It’s been a while since idea of this post came to my mind, and today I decided that time has came to bring it to life. In both worlds – blogging and in my life in general. The thing is – I was dealing with toxic people too long.
When my granddad was still alive I always had a couple of problems with him. First of all, I couldn’t tell him any of my ideas and avoid being made fun of. Second – he actually never listened to me, and was only insisting on his personal vision of the world. So… For example, when I was studying at psychology university and wished to take some practice at psychiatric hospital (my teacher could make such thing for her students) everything I heard from him when I shared this news was “So you’re going to clean shit there for the rest of your life?”. And so it was in everything, it was a reaction to everything I could ever say or do. He never was satisfied with my achievements at school when I was a kid, never satisfied with them when I was going to university, never was when I found my first job. When I was about to get married he almost ate my brain out by suggesting me to go to the wedding ceremony wearing pantsuit. He wished me to be a boy, ok. And he himself was a mariner, and he held a senior position, so he used that everyone does what he says. But I was different. And this fight costed me my mental health as well. Time to time I was separating, I even ran away from home, but it was too hard to separate enough for a kid. Well, now I’m still taking psychotherapy sessions in attempts to heal me mind. Of course I don’t write here everything that was happening, but one thing is 100% clear – he was absolutely, 100% toxic for me.
Now his place is taken by my mother-in-law. I could say that we’re different people, but it would be lies. We have absolutely nothing in common sounds better. Here I will not write a long story, just will say that it’s a toxic woman as well. Her will to control everything kills everything to what she comes close.
At the moment I’m in a relationship with my husband for 10 years, and for first 5-6 years I was trying to get along with her. Than I was getting angry. Than I was crying and trying to keep everything in at least an illusion of peace, and so went on till this moment. Now I’m 100% happy to understand that I did the best I could – I just stopped this communication, it doesn’t exist any longer. And damn it feels great.
By the way at the very moment when I stopped toxic communications (not only with my mother-in-law, every toxic communication I found, cause, as I wrote before, I just can’t afford an emotional breakdown at the moment – my heart is too tired) – another, productive and beautiful communication came to it’s place. Tricky, right? But I’m loving it. The further – the better, and now I just need to deal with “tails” of ended toxic communications with my psychotherapist.
See you in the next post!