Me Facts

1. I'm so lost and alone my insides ache hard with despair. Only drugs, food or company help get me through each day. But company is rare so i fluctuate between trying to be creative/distracted on drugs or fat and lazy on food and sleep lots.

2. Sometimes I struggle with my impulse desires. I could have little money but desire something that is daft and irrelevant to my circumstances, but if the desire gets too big, I somehow convince myself I need to get it and regret it not long after.
   

3. My best friend Harvey was the first person I said "I love you" to. At which point he told me he was gay. I was shocked at how easy it was to rid my sexual desires and use the love to remain being the best best friends we came to be.

4. As soon as someone goes from friends to love something happens to my insides and over a period of about 1 year, the ability to desire them sexually disappears and I end up loving them like they were my family. But this means I have to break the relationship apart and work to rebuild in a different structure. Which can be hard on emotions, but is vital to make sure i never lose those I love. When I love people I love them forever so it seems. I feel lucky that all those I love have remained in my life as my best friends.

5. I am afraid that I will always be alone because I can't connect in the right way with people, especially on intimate levels.
   

6. I sometimes get so jealous and sad about what people around me have and I don't. Seeing families who are close and love each other, parents still together, something i always wanted my whole life that I will never be able to have. So i see such lovely things when i observe happy families, i should feel happy for them, but im often more sad for myself. And that in itself frustrates me further.
   When i see couples, teams, people hanging out and having fun together, i always feel i am on the outside just observing, never feeling the fun they do. This hurts more often than i care to let myself think about. Even watching TV can sometimes hit a nerve. I just have to try keep my brain busy, learn stuff.
   

7. My ultimate fear is dying alone, after spending most of my life alone and never belonging anywhere. And/or being alive, old, frail and having to rely on other people to help me. If i get to that stage and cannot give anything back, i would rather die. On top of this i fear losing my memory and forgetting who i am. I truly feel people's pain when it happens to them or their family, i just hope so much i do not have to be part of that despairing puzzle of life. I think, even if i was old and alone, if i still had my memory, i could make myself appreciate that i am still alive and thinking, and that is still better than death, no matter how old one becomes.

8. All of the loved ones I have lost have all passed away without warning. Maybe I am lucky this is only 2 people so far.
   My Grandad and my best friend Harvey. Both died 1 day before I was meant to be seeing them. Both times I was at the opposite ends of the country. Both times I was not good enough when they needed me. Forever this will haunt me.
   

9. I am so used to wearing girl tops and thin clothes I forget about layers! and ability to wear jumpers over tshirts.

10. I read between the lines all of the time, even if logically i know there is no between the lines. I just like to imagine, and cover all possibilities, like if it's not thought to be impossible, then everything must be possible, then it's a case of think about how probable... maybe i enjoy it, maybe i have been wired so long like this it is all i know, and has become a comfort, a way of dealing with a chaotic world. I think grammar school helped me realise this is not such a weird thing after teaching us to read in between the lines from poems and old stories, to learn about metaphors and writing. It was a moment when i thought I wasnt so weird after all.
    

1. Sometimes I like to imagine stars and galaxies are formed from living thoughts and ideas, bursting to life and death depending on who thinks what and how... and that the moles on our skin represent our personal map of stars from where in the universe pieces of us belong.
   

(Part 1 can be found here: https://steemit.com/blog/@grottbags/grottbags-diary-noting-things-about-myself-part-1-2015)