make whatever you want out of this or just skip it outright, 'cause this is about to get personal and embarrassing and cringysteemCreated with Sketch.

in #bloglast year (edited)

So I tried uploading my latest video to DTube and it just... Didn't want me to do that. I tried an ungodly amount of times across the span of a few days until I just had enough, only to see the 'Unknown Error' message to pop up again and again.
Well, that's that, I guess.
Go watch it on Youtube or something. Because I liked it. It's pretty good, I think. And a couple of my friends also thought it quite great.
Whatever. It's not like I care if it's going to be available through more than just one venue. IT'S NOT LIKE I DO. And using another video streaming platform in addition to DTube and YouTube isn't what I'm looking forward to, really. I guess, if I had infinite time and energy, then maybe. But I already have too many social network accounts where I post, like, once a few months each.
Is it ever going to be enough? Enough exposure, enough audience covered? It's not like I'm even successful and/or my life depends on it. There's just this constant nagging at my soul that tells - 'But you can do more, right? You should do more.'
(just to confirm some suspicions this whole thing might have raised - yes, I am slightly drunk, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write all of this)
Please feel free to ignore this.
Please do.
Now I'm wondering - is this art enough for me to post it? Will it be helpful in anyway to anyone? Will someone connect to some things I'm saying here at least a little bit so as to think 'Yes, I can relate to this. I feel you.' ? Is this pretentious? Is this cringy? Is this immature? Will it add anything to the world?
Does it really need to do that?
I don't know you.
I'll probably never do.
But just know that I would probably like to hug you if we are to ever meet.
Does it all sound stupid? Because, you know, Davey Wreden managed to make things like this work in one of my favorite non-games ever, The Beginner's Guide. But it probably took an immense amount of time and effort to create and fabricate the feeling of authenticity in that truly astounding experience. And here I am, just typing unplanned stream of consciousness completely out of the blue and hoping, somewhere in the depths of my heart, on the brink of the subconscious, that this will be at least partly as illuminating and mind-opening as that one particularly exquisite exploration of authorhood, creativity, mental health and metanarrative. I know it's not realistic to think like that. I don't really think like that - because I know what's what (I don't). But the slightest glimmer of 'maybe, just maybe...' beckons.
I won't really be disappointed if no one finds this interesting - I mean, there's billions of people out there and it's just reasonable that not everyone likes the stuff you do.
This is the point where I realize, for the first time in my life, that I really don't need fame as it is usually imagined. I don't care if I won't have a MILLION FOLLOWERS AND SUBSCRIBERS.
(yes, I see the perceived hypocrisy in telling something like this on a social network, but... whatever)
That's a great realization because, since I started spending a great portion of my life on YouTube many (not THAT many, honestly) years ago, I had this subconsciously formed idea emerging and incorporating itself into my worldview. An idea of having my life revolving around a YouTube channel, or a Twitch streaming channel, or soething else of similar sort. I had this very particular vision of success - 'BE AN INTERNET PERSONALITY'.
But... I don't view life like this anymore, it seems. Or at least I hope that's the case.
I still want to create. I want to make art. That's what I want. Yeah. I will always be trying to do it. But making something truly creative on a regular, algorithmic basis, like I tried many times, feels DEAD AND HOLLOW. It's emptying and dehumanizing. Stop it. I don't want to.
Anyways, I hope you're doing good. And if you don't - I swear it's going to change. It's okay to feel bad, everyone does from time to time. Sounds obvious, but it wasn't to me some time ago. What was also not obvious, and much more bafflingly so, is that it's also okay to feel good. This sounds super depressing now that I see it from the outside, so to say, but it was a huge part of my identity for the longest time - I just couldn't feel good without having this ominous sensation of 'it can't be this simple, there must be something bad going on' as the background. Always.
But it's fine. It's fine to feel fine.
Have a hug and take care.
(and i would also appreciate if you checked my latest video on youtube - despite all the things i said above, go figure this out. but i really want to share the things i said there - just because i find it a fascinating and heavily underdiscussed topic. i'm too lazy to put a link here, go find it yourselves or something, you can treat it like a quest in an RPG)


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