Through the Trodden Path

in #blog4 years ago

"Arms stretched out long, rigidly dangling over my right shoulder screaming with tears streaming down his round rosy cheeks “daddy, don’t go!” This was the moment I realized our story book life had come to a complete end."


Picture.jpg


This is the first few sentences of my book I am in the process of creating. It will be a book to help military spouses work through the difficult task of deployments and the aftermath of deployments, as I know it.
Some of you know @derangedvisions and have had the opportunity to read his very RAW details of what he goes through day in and day out.

I am so proud of him and his choice to open up and talk about his battles, rather than holding them in. He wasn't always like this, so, it is humbling to get a clearer look into what he goes through. I know what I see and what I have gone through, but until recently, not much of what he had endured.

I always had this jealousy (I was SUPER YOUNG) thing, I was caring for our kids while he had a "vacation". For years at a time, we would live life through letters and near the end of his time with the military, Webcam. The first tour he had was in 2003, and some of you have read the story. We lost our 2nd baby during that deployment. I was 14 1/2 weeks along, and just weeks before had seen a very active baby bouncing around in my belly. Our son was 1 yr old and literally the ONLY reason I stuck around. I fell into a deep dark place, upset I had no one around to help me through this difficult trial. Our family lived in Utah and we lived in Texas. We had amazing neighbors that helped me the best they could, and as much as I would allow.
I had made the mistake of acting like I could handle it, my young 18 yr old self, could handle the loss of a baby during a year long war deployment from my husband...yeah. I couldn't. I was a MESS!! Rylan (our son) saved my life. He was my reason to get up and move out of bed each and every day. He was a goofy, fun boy and was the light I was missing. I look back upset that I was so lost in such darkness! I missed out on a lot of memories, even though I was physically present, I was totally mentally checked out.
Wes (DV) came home, 10 months after I had lost the baby. I was FINALLY able to mourn..and mourn I did. I failed to realize then, that he also was holding the burden of not being home while I was falling apart. I vividly remember a night where Wes came in and sat next to me on the couch in our room. He wrapped his arms around me, and I broke. I was so angry with him for being away, I was so angry I lost the baby, I was angry at God, angry at the Military, angry at the war, and so angry with myself for being so ANGRY. I pushed myself into a tight ball, and blocked him from getting too close. I didn't want to be hurt again. The wall was up, not for long..as he is amazing and worked through this difficult time with me.
We are going on the 15th year of our baby moving on to whatever comes next. It never gets any easier, especially around the time I lost the baby. And the baby's due date (which happens to be my FAVORITE HOLIDAY) Halloween. I don't think losing a child, whether in utero, or after having the opportunity to raise your child is ever something you can just get past, or work though. I definitely think you can heal and process, but to "get over it" I find impossible.
I have recently realized that my trials have no definition of WHO I am, but actual building blocks of what makes me the strong person I have grown in to.
I have gone from a 16 yr old bride, and mommy to be. To a mother and wife of very incredible people! My husband astounds me day in and day out. And our children are powerful influences to all that are blessed to know them.
My life has been one of massive UPS and massive DOWNS. But knowing that I continue to build off these trials, helps me through each and every one. I am proud of the person I have grown in to, and love myself more each day! Taking time for Personal Development each day has made an incredible difference on my view of life and what it means to live life, rather than get through life alive.
We all want to make a difference in other peoples' lives, but most of us don't try to put the effort in to do so. Making this shift in my mindset will make it possible to be a better influence in other peoples' lives.

Thank you for taking time to read this long winded post. I am grateful for this outlet to get my words out. I am looking forward to working more on my book and making a difference for any and all military spouses, or family members that I will have the blessing of reaching. Be blessed, be a pineapple, and BE YOU!

faitherz33_footer.png

Thank you @helenoftroy for my beautiful footer <3

Sort:  

I have no ties to the military and just from reading the start of your book makes me want to read it. Right away it made me think of my kids and struck me in my heart. It is a powerful beginning. Your journey is something I just cannot imagine on how austere it was. I thank both of you for opening up and sharing some of it with us. I know it must not be easy.

Thank you! I tried to think of something so vivid, that it would draw others in from the very beginning. I appreciate your time that you took to read and am looking forward to getting to know you and all the other steemians through this great outlet!!

I am happy to spend my time, I too would like to get to know you and through you both I get to meet more people. Steemit is great for that.

@faitherz33 I came across @derangedvisions through a couple of common discord groups in the last month or so... and from the very beginning, I liked what he had to say through our chats and his posts... I knew to some extent about his PTSD problems, but never knew about what you had to go through while he was away. You are incredibly strong, really as he mentions in the other comment... a rockstar... I am speechless... so many things are coming across in my mind but I can't express them in words... just be the rockstar you are and support each other :) ... a well wisher from a distant land

Thank you so much for taking time to read my post! It feels great to get it out in words. I appreciate your support!! Much Love

Big hugs to you @faitherz33!!! Honestly I have always wondered how a military spouse survives and feels, as I watch documentaries. Somehow I feel for you all but it is never the same cos I will never fully understand. It really makes you weak and strong at the same time. I'm so glad Ryan cheers you up!

I'm so sorry for the loss of the baby. It must have been a very miserable period.

Lots of love and blessings for you and Wes. The grace and comfort of God be with you 💝

Welcome to Steemit and do share more. I love your real life story writing. It captures the soul.

P/S: Did you draw the pencil sketched picture? It draws me to your post!

Thank you! It has taken me all these years to really start to process and accept everything we went through. It is wonderful to start working through everything and realize they just created me :) . It definitely was a difficult time in my...really our, lives.
The photo was taken by me on the day of his first deployment, then my sister in law had a friend draw it. My sister in law told her friend to focus only on the details of Wes's face, then fill from there. It is my favorite photo, I have ever taken! This was even taken before I could review what it looked like after I took the picture...sooo after it was developed at a store, I opened the picture packet to show Rylan pictures of his daddy. And this picture ripped my soul apart, I broke down right there in the middle of the store. I love the raw emotion and that it depicts exact feeling of that moment.
This will be the cover of my Book!

Congratulations @faitherz33, for making the most of opportunities. You will succeed

Thank you so much!

Such a great capture! Excellent choice for it to be the cover of your book. Writing is therapeutic, so it is good that you are processing your feelings this way. It is healthier for the soul too.

I'm looking forward to read more from you and will drop by as often as I can. Followed you and yes we continue to connect trough the #steemmamas group too. You may use the footer banner we have, if you want. So much to learn from you. Xx.

Fantastic! Thank you!!!

Thank you for sharing your heart. It's never easy going through any form of loss, the fact that you have decided to talk about it shows how brave you are at being vulnerable and real to yourself and to those whom you love. I can never understand the depths of the pain you went through, though I had almost unknowingly lost myself and my firstborn in labor. It was a close call and thank God the doctor was quick to act. Sending lots of love to you and your family, the little one is now in God's arms and I'm sure he or she would be happy to know that he/she is dearly loved and greatly missed. Can't wait to read more updates on your book!! Xx

Amen!! Thank you for reading my post and taking time to comment! I appreciate the support and love we are receiving through Steemit! Thank you so much again!

Congratulations @faitherz33, this post is the second most rewarded post (based on pending payouts) in the last 12 hours written by a Dust account holder (accounts that hold between 0 and 0.01 Mega Vests). The total number of posts by Dust account holders during this period was 6628 and the total pending payments to posts in this category was $819.32. To see the full list of highest paid posts across all accounts categories, click here.

If you do not wish to receive these messages in future, please reply stop to this comment.

Thank you!!! I am in awe of all the love and support I have gotten with this post! It is so encouraging that I can open up and be completely honest with our lives and get just so much love!

Emot of human sides.

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.76
TRX 0.09
JST 0.072
BTC 54525.21
ETH 4099.56
BNB 597.08
SBD 7.03