“What my autistic girl has taught me?"

Knowing Erina is not the same as knowing her big sister (13y/o) and youngest brother (5 y/o). Physically she looks like other typical development kids. Except that, she has a speech delayed at the age of 2 y/o.

When Erina not talking much like other kids do who similar age like her, I'm started to feel worried. Later came the diagnosis, she has mild autism at the age of 3. (back then was in the year 2012).

My personal experience of raising Erina is very challenging and stressful. No manual and special guidance from anyone I knew at that time. I feel blurred and confused. No friends around who can help me giving solutions or share the same problem with me. I feel alone and hopeless. Perhaps maybe, I'm not mentally and emotionally prepared to tell 'the world' about Erina. This stress feeling only shared with my husband.No matter what the diagnosis is, even the cause of autism is still unknown to all of us until today. What matters to me now, is to ensure she is able to live normal like other typical kids and be independent. In my heart, I just want to give her the best love and education from my own way.

The approach which I used at first on her was a bit firm. That is the method which normally used by moms anyway. Unlike my husband, he is quite flexy. He always says that Erina is his soft spot. That's explained why she is too attached to him instead of me. But I do not agree coz my other kids were close to me. I continue being firm mom in teaching her about almost anything specially related with self-help skills like keep dress and undress by herself, taking shower alone, eating using utensils and don’t get messy during meal time. Every task that I gave, I want her to complete it successfully, less-time consuming and less-prompting. Whenever she can’t finished it in order, then, my firmness turns into coercion. I don’t want her to fail and give up easily. She must learn to be a consistent learner though in a hard time. Erina feel uneasy with my way, she starts to show tantrum and reluctant to follow. I feel confused. There is many questions played in my mind. I feel sad with her changes and sometime I cry alone. Erina does not speak well so it is hard for both of us to understand each other.

My desire to see her quickly learn something new make me totally forgot about her feelings. Surely she wants me to understand her as much as I want her to understand me too. Why I’m not trying to understand her first? Why is my action is too result-oriented? Why not looking at her strengths? Why I‘m so selfish! Erina is still young and all she needs is my love and patience.

I feel that I am not a good mother to her. My stress feelings come again and this time I feel so bad. I neglect the most important thing, which I should understand her first. She may not speak perfectly but she still has a feeling. I decided to change and throw away my inflexibility while teaching her. It gives more harm than good. I started to look up for her strengths and use more motivational way.

I looked straight into her eyes one day and promised her this, "Erina, mama loves you so much! Sorry for all of my wrongdoings. I will not neglect your feelings again. You are different in a unique way. Do not worry dear. We will make it through! This is my promise". Unexpectedly, all my stress is gone, in fact, it turns into a positive energy which I want to share with her and to all of my family. I’m so ambitious, I want to be everything for you! To me, you are my precious and my positive spirit burner in this challenging life! Your presence really taught me being toughest! Thank you my dear.

“Being a parent with autism kids don’t teach you be a glamour mom or dad, it teach you be the toughest one!”