That Moment When You Know You've Quit

It's my "Friday" which is actually Saturday. It's a beautiful day in Kaizer Oregon and I have a variety of things I am working on. Life is actually good. Finances are in balance, not starving, I have love in my life and my kids are doing well.

At age 54 I've lived more life than most. I've risked and succeeded...and failed. I have a body of knowledge that always seems to help others. But I'm overweight, I have type 2 diabetes, I don't like to exercise, I feel tired most of the time. I want to explore internet marketing while being keenly aware of "pitches" vs. actual work required to make that work.

I am a crypto enthusiast and my portfolio like everyone's (most everyone) is swirling around upside down in the shitter of cyberspace, but deep inside you know things will work out long term but the timelines have changed and you peer out into the world and sigh...ah fuck, I guess more the same...yes we still have President Trump, it is a bad dream and there isn't much of anything that can be done. The absurdity of it all...blah, blah, blah.

I'm at one of my favorite coffee shops writing this on steam. For a while I thought creating memes about trumpholm syndrome would lead to mugs, t-shirts, and who knows. It was an idea inspired by the nasty US border actions that affected children and families seeking asylum.

The negativity and audacity of my world is like a living nightmare soap opera that is the reality I wake up to.

The young clerks smile at me wherever I shop. "Good Morning!" and I smile almost always in a good reflection send a greeting back, maybe I strike up a small conversation. I am usually wearing a fedora-type hat, Hawaiian shirt, and shorts. I literally look like I am on vacation as my uniform for life and work over the last 5 or so years.

Ah, whine, whine, whine. It doesn't seem that long ago I was graduating from Marine Corps Boot Camp, standing proud and knowing I could conquer the world. All my life plans changed when I discovered I was going to be a Dad.

One divorce, and several important relationships later I have three great kids all adults, foster kid friends who are now adults, various step-type kids most of which are adults and I can smile as I notice I have had influence in good ways.

I am aware of all of my sins and have come to terms with healing the harm I may have caused, or at least attempted to. I've owned what belongs to me kind of thing. I've even created my own life navigational philosophy which has served me well for the last 18 or so years.

Every time I think of publishing my life navigational philosophies...I remember the big stack of books on philosophy at Borders that they just couldn't sell. At age 54 it is clear I am unable to shape reality to my will the way I did when I was younger. I know, the common life experience.

I witness other people my age who are in 30+ year marriages, have houses, vacation around the world and I'm pondering my next lease renewal in a one bedroom apartment with my beloved partner of going on 2 years. We are restarting life together.

If I bought a house today I'd be 84 years old by the time I paid it off. It sort of makes me think. I have a dear friend in their 70's who have done well in life, owns a nice home free and clear and is alone and oddly enough worried about money.

I have met others my age who are "tired" after a lifetime of "doing it right" and oddly I have much more diverse life experiences and yet I have been isolated.

I've met "kids" that are starting businesses, exceeding at lifestyle businesses and travel and I realize...hey, that was me...but I ended up being a dad, and settling into either work or self-employment - "going for the gold" over and over, and over again. Every few years taking 10 to 30 bankers boxes of books to the thrift stores.

Four years ago I had a car accident that included a TBI (concussion), it disrupted my ability to recall things, learn things and for a while, I was unable to read or write. I'm 90+ recovered, every time I think I'm at 100% something reminds me that I do not know what I do not know...or remember.

The joys and drive I use to have for business, investing and so much I have done throughout my life. Today - just another end of weekday where I feel like I have Quit. I thought I'd write about it here.

We spend so much time propping ourselves up - avoiding being a "failure" or "quitting". Today, I am facing yet again the fact that I quit, I feel a bit like I am down in the dumps wondering...is this all there is? Is this all that I am? Was I great? Could I be great again?

I've read all the books, I've heard all the motivational quotes and I've created my own! Here I sit pondering who I am, at age 54 and what is next.

Every morning I clear out my Facebook History of events and remembrances and projects of the last 5 years tied to a relationship that ended and with it my dreams, businesses missions and projects (all honorable, all inspired, all impactful ad important) all abandoned, betrayed and now dead.

There is a part of me that has fought against quitting anything. Logic and reason fail us often.

I set a goal to find and begin a process of a new relationship after 90 days of releasing and mourning what transpired. That was now going on 2 years ago. My goal worked, unexpectedly. I still notice pretty girls like the one that just walked by me as I am typing this, some aspects of me and being a male still function, while other things do not. (laugh), and yet I have deep love and commitment in my life.

I feel like a hollow log, I can still see the great tree that I once was, but I seem to be fallen, broken and I am hollow on the inside. It seems like during the last 10 years I've gone to more funerals than weddings.

It is odd discussing age-related things with your doctor. This diabetes thing is kicking my ass, the meds not really working, and it seems no matter what I do I am unable to lose weight or impact my diabetes numbers which are actually trending in a good direction...but I want instant success now. (laugh)

My beloved partner just called, she may stop by before I head off to work. She's was visiting a friend last night in Portland. Am I ungrateful? No, should I feel guilty for having this down moment or two? No.

I know what I am feeling is normal in so much as the life I was taught to live is not the life I was designed to live. I've known this for quite some time.

I just remembered this weak, old frail man who attended a men's weekend I volunteered at. I was part of the medical screening team. This guy was afraid. I think he was in his 80's. He was frail and hobbling. Two days later, peering out into the audience of men who had an amazing experience I saw this old guy literally jumping up and down on a chair yelling and just ALIVE! Always a good memory.

I'm not that old yet, and even if I was - what is the difference between being an overweight, type 2 diabetes, unfit, "has-been" old man at age 54 and a dynamic, risk-taking crazy guy on a mission jumping up and down on a chair?

I'll be pondering that for the rest of the day.

What I am doing here is sharing to an unknown audience my authenticity. I do not know how to monetize that. I have a variety of purchased training to go through...but I'm fighting the "I don't wanna....", I'm halfway through my coffee and I am feeling the magic elixir impacting my attitude and focus.

Is it all just neurochemical? (Yes, for the most part.) Stunning how 1 cup of coffee can change one's outlook on one's day.

Ah, crypto-currency - I've a buy order on a crypto I've been accumulating that has been tanking since it's ICO last January. What bad timing they have had. It looks like their price will be coming down and I'll get my order filled at the price I want which will push me to have over 1 million of their coins/tokens.

I'm so "upside down" from the ICO price it is embarrassing, but I like the project and believe in what they are doing. I'm expecting the markets to continue to suck for some time, so I have another coin I want to accumulate to 1 million coins. It is kinda a catch 22 as it's a dividend type coin and a no-no for US Citizens to buy, but is it? I can buy the coin on exchanges and accumulate it (laugh), but the project won't sell to me directly because I'm a US Citizen (so much for "freedom"), easy enough to circumvent with a VPN.

I still have goals and dreams. I still buy a lotto ticket from time to time. (Keeping the door of possibility open.)

Later today I will be working on a Facebook - click-lead to e-mail training program that funnels into an affiliate information product. Will I get my 10,000 steps in today? Will I sneak in 100 Yoga Squats in the process of my 9 hours at my work?

I totally failed at my dietary intentions last night and this morning. Then I listened to a motivational YouTube about the importance of the first and last hour of each day. Well, I fucked that up today. (laugh)

On my drive to get coffee and said to myself:

"David, you've clearly quit.", "Ok, yes, David, I have quit, I've given up, I surrender, I'm bummed, blah, blah, blah"

I admitted it, then I chuckled.

"Yea, so what else is new? Now what are you going to do?"

I'm going to go have coffee and write about it on SteemIt.

What for?

Historically usually one person will benefit eventually from my sharing publically my authentic reality. I know I'll feel better after simply facing and accepting the truth in the present rather than avoiding, evading or pretending what is real isn't real.

Are you suicidal? No, checking out is an option I came to terms with many years ago. I realized that anything I navigated in life no matter how extreme, or boring ends up helping someone else because I was willing to "stay" and share. So, no, I don't go there anymore, but I have a couple of good stories around when I did go there that are quite inspiring, insightful and dramatic! But no, nothing like that.

I wrote that because perhaps you may be trending there. My advice is simple (My Rule of 3), wait 3 minutes, then 3 hours, then 3 days, then 3 weeks, 3 months and then 3 years or even 3 decades. Until you are peace within about whatever decision(s) you were about to make in the heat of anger, depression, sadness, joy, excitement. Allow yourself some time to pass. Suicide, give yourself 3 years to get your shit together before exiting the planet. I'd recommend the book "Final Exit" I think by the founder of the Hemlock Society.

I tell people in my life to not leave the planet without saying goodbye first, I promise to not talk them out of anything, but lets have one last slice of pizza or piece of pie together. Years ago it seemed people were self-delivering all around me and not being strategic about giving up on their lives. Since then I've made these agreements and have taught the rule of 3 quietly.

Ah, two more pretty girls. The fact I notice reminds me that I am still young a heart even though I am an old dude and if I was single and were to shoot my most winning smile...I'd get the "oh, look at the old perv" look. In this case the girls are in their 20's. One hottie and her wing-woman friend, classic. I shake my head, just my fellow human beings out and about.

My alarm for work has just reminded me it is time to wrap things up.

I am reminded of my friend "Ray" from years ago. He was an older, very respectable gentleman. I young woman got off the bus in front of his office (I was much younger), and I lost him in our conversation, he sorta kept talking while he began tracking her. To be fair she was young (mid 20's), beautiful and it was springtime, she was wearing short shorts and filled out her halter top vigorously, tan, the works - beauty is quite common on Planet Earth. I could not compete with that. A few seconds later she was out of view.

Ray returned to our conversation inquiring "What were we talking about?" - I laughed, and asked "Ray, does it ever end? He knew exactly what I was talking about. He smiled and said "No, Dave it never ends. Inside this old body is the heart and mind of a 16-year-old from time to time, a little boy that is just dumber than hell and easily distracted." We laughed.

I've another 20 to 30 years to go before I reach Ray's age. That doesn't seem like a long time to me. Am I really age 54?

Why yes I am.

Today is going to be just fine.

I will get at least 1 thing done on each of my projects.

I will get 10,000 steps in.

I will see a movie with my beloved tomorrow and go to some event with her on my "Saturday" - day off.

LIfe will continue on and I will make the best of it. If it is time to grieve I will grieve, if I am sad, I will be sad, if I am filled with joy and hope, so it is. It is life.

That would be my message to my younger self - hey, dude, you'll get through this. Yes the world is nuts, so what. Your honor is your own. Be honorable. If you've fucked it up, forgive yourself, tomorrow is a new day, the next moment is a new moment. If you were a criminal 5 minutes ago, you can choose not to be one now. Move on, use what you've learned to help others.

Maybe you'll be rich and powerful someday.
Maybe you already are and don't know it.
Maybe it doesn't matter, how you view yourself and your life does.

My sweetheart has arrived, I got a big hug, life is good.

I hope your life is good. If it isn't, write about it, and do something, just one thing different.

More to come.

• David Dancing Tree Nelson