The reason: if i am perfect than my mother will not yell at me and tell me that i do not love her. This creates a terror in me that placing my hand on a hot stove is far easier to overcome.

Of course, this was the younger than 5 year old self that tried desperately to read my mother's moods and NEVER do anything bad or wrong, or make a misstep. Because the punishment for failure was soul crushing.

The really big problem was the hot and cold reactions to the same things. I never recognized it at the time, but what my mother did was crazy making. I still haven't put the whole together in my mind. I just ignore all the wrongs, and hope and pray that my mother loved me.

I am a perfectionist of the highest order.