Expectations relived.

Today, I am continuing on with Insecure in Love by A. P. Collins.

I am starting Chapter 3. I feel like this is the Chapter in which this book really gets going.

It really provides a large volume of information in a very small span of time.

In other words, it's a lot for me to process in one sitting, so I am going to break it up into more reasonable segments.

Also, in order for me to address the relevant material and to avoid typing out endless quotes, I have abbreviated some passages.

Let's get started:

To start to feel better and find the source of insecurity we must find the reason for its existence. Insecurities can be triggered by past events or traumas. We might not even have a memory of them. Understanding where it comes from is the first step in beating it.

I think what really stood out for me here, was not a mentality of who to point my finger at and blame, but rather, that we can be triggered today by things that happened to us in the past.

We might become triggered by an innocent action and our reaction be based on our past experience. Not necessarily having anything to do with the present situation at all.

I think that understanding where it comes from is less about blame and more about identifying what the triggers are.

Why do we think how we think? Why do we react the way we do?

Recognizing triggers is essential for being able to work with ourselves.

It would be really hard to work with ourselves not having any idea why we behave how we do, feeling like we are out of control being pulled to and fro.

I think a lot of people miss the point and think that identifying the cause is about blame.

It's not. Not at all.

Many who feel insecure find the root of it comes from their childhood. For example, parents may push their children towards unrealistic goals. It might just be the parents desire for their child's success. A child can develop anxiety and insecurity about his possibilities. This will reflect on something as simple as how he sees himself.

And, I see this in my childhood as well as in the way many parents parent their children.

I can think of a great example.

Our oldest son wanted to try hockey when he was little. We were open to let the kids try what they wanted so we went ahead.

The hockey parents though were a whole other animal.

Have you ever witnessed it? Parents, and I am sorry to say a lot of dads screaming at their kids from the sidelines.

Obviously, they wanted their kids to do well in hockey, but how they delivered that message was something else.

It was appalling.

I can imagine a lot of the discipline issued by parents also had an intention of making the kids "tough", "strong", "resilient", to "help them" somehow.

The problem is that we learn to treat ourselves the way we are treated. This becomes our norm. Their voices become our voices. This is why the trauma continues.

It's not necessarily that a person is actively reliving the trauma by re-experiencing the pain. It's quite often that they have assumed the role of whoever was hurting them.

They themselves are now the ones hurting themselves.

It's important to recognize the voice, not to blame that other person, but to realize that we have a choice. *We can treat ourselves differently. We can learn something new. *

Children who witness the toxic relationship of their parents might develop insecurities about relationships in general. For example, a child who witnessed adultery might grow up to be insecure in his partner's faithfulness. This is how we reflect past events and let them influence our present.

Here we can see that it is not only what happened to us as children that shaped how we see ourselves and the world, but also the things we observed around us.

What type of environment did we grow up in? What were we exposed to?

I think this passage is really deep when you think about it.

It's as though the problems you witnessed then became problems you had to worry about yourself.

And, unless you break that cycle it will continue.

I'm barely into this chapter and I already have a lot to think about.

This seems like a good place to take pause.

Yesterday, I found I tried to do too much with this work and found myself feeling very emotionally drained. I reached the point where I started experiencing anxiety, a clear indicator that I need to slow it down a bit.

My goal here is to help myself. My goal is to work through this whole book. I have to remember the bigger picture and not set myself up to feeling overwhelmed.

The last thing I want to do is stand in my own way.

-to be continued-

-Akiroq

Image by holgerheinze0 from Pixabay