RE: Subject: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Domingo Kryptik
Subject: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Renee,
That was me.
I couldn't find the maintenance man and decided to fix a paper jam on the copy machine with my brand new hatchet. There may have been some confusion as no one can hear me through my new ski mask. Some one is getting a 1 star review on Amazon.
But isn't this thing cool? It does everything. I can chop down trees, fix copiers, and spay small neighborhood animals.
If you're interested Bill from accounting and I are doing a meetup group. We have plenty of extra hatchets lying around. In a typical meeting we watch about 30 minutes of Roadhouse to get pumped up, and talk about how hatchets are going to change the world. We are the only members so far but I really think it'll take off soon. Get in before it's hot!
Speaking of temperature, did you see that I was wearing a hoodie in this picture? What is the thermostat set at? I blame Brenda. She is trying to freeze me out. How many times do I have to explain that I didn't piss on her bonsai tree? I even offered to prune it with my hatchet. That lady is ridiculous.
Have a great day!
Domingo Kryptik
Senior Vice Antagonist
To: Domingo Kryptik
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Mr. Kryptik,
Thank you for pointing out that I attached the wrong CCTV link to my email.
Here is the correct link:
Regarding your hatchet. Did security allow you to enter the building with a hatchet? They confiscated my underpants, several hair ties from my purse, and my personal toilet tissue. I can't imagine how those things ended up on the f͏͍̺o̻̙͔͙̫̪͘r͏͕̜ͅb̻̭̪͙̝̣͠i̴̭͕͎d̵̲͓͈̤͕͙̝ḓ̶͍̣̰̬e̘̻̮̕ǹ͈͖̳̖̱̤̠ ͜i͟t͏͎̥͚ͅe̖m͏͍̪͙̭͚͙̦s̠̟̳̱̭̳̱̯͞ List, while things like hatchets and small animals are fine to bring into the workplace.
I will bring it up in the next departmental meeting.
Happy Chopping,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
To: Renee Nouveau
From: Domingo Kryptik
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Renee,
There is nothing dangerous about a hatchet. Like my great grandmother told me in our "birds and the bees" talk, "It's about how you use it". More people get killed by hair ties, personal tissue, underwear, and excessive dandelion consumption each year than by hatchets. Aren't these issues what we should really be looking at?
I think Brenda may have already corrupted your mind with her anti-hatchet propaganda.
About your things: they will be returned. Clint is a good guy. He has completely reformed since the last incident. In fact I stopped in to say hello, and he was diligently sniffing your underwear for bombs. He said he was worried about your safety, that's all. Don't be alarmed!
Have a great day,
Doming Kryptik
Senior Vice Antagonist
To: Domingo Kryptik
From: Renee Nouveau
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Excessive Force at the South Entrance
Mr. Kryptik,
We are getting off topic. The real issue is that I don't think a mammogram and a full cavity search are necessary upon entering the building... and certainly not staff at Management Level Ω and higher.
Please forward my contact information to Clint. I may have some other contraband material at home that needs to be collected.
Sincerely,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division