You are not alone!

Thank you for sharing dark thoughts on a forum that seems to promote all puppy dogs and rainbows - positive thinking! good intentions! - yet so many of us at Steemit struggle with chronic pain, autoimmune issues, and Chesterton's "Black Dog" - other people seem to shout for joy and high-five each other daily, while people like you and me struggle to be able to "party on." In March, my usual chronic daily headache turned into a nonstop pain fest in my head (my annual flu shot failed, and influenza headaches are whoppers). I went on Amitryptiline (Elavil) and it helped, until I had to fight daily against thoughts of wanting to die. Not suicide, but reading obituaries and thinking "It should have been me." Looking at all my trespasses, my sins of omission (what I have failed to do may be worse than what I have done). I went off the Elavil. The brutal headache flared anew a few weeks later. I'm already on Celexa (citalopram) and am considering dry-needling or botox for headaches or a procedure (neurectomy) that sounds like the equivalent of a root canal on the nerves in the neck.

Thank you

for sharing this, and hang in there - you're doing great just be being able to talk about it, especially in a community that's all about positivity, progress, accomplishments, and building on success.

No pushups on video

from this grandma. Am I a schmuck? Is this another case of "what I have failed to do" -- sins of commission (I do not harm others, not knowingly) versus sins of omission (I have failed to do good things for others). Whatever good I have done never seems enough. I look at what others are doing and know I could and should do more.

Wishing you all that is good

and smiling because you're already there: I will now hug my cat...drink a glass of red wine and do my best to relax. Tomorrow is another day to start again....and build up new dreams too.