Betterlife with steem: 24/04/2021: My Thoughts - One year to the Ordeal, It makes me very emotional

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me, we were at the hospital almost for the day, getting all various medical test done for my hubby, and just this one day at the hospital was making me feel like reliving those 8 months of ordeal. It had all started in Jan 2020, right in the first week, when suddenly one fine day he collapsed, he was not able to talk, eat, breathe, sleep and his neck would keep falling, and his full body had collapsed. He could not even move his body by himself. Thankfully with God's grace he is in a much better condition now, but yes a little change in his health and it starts bothering me a lot, because now I am just not in that mental state to even go through half of it.

Life is very strange, you never know what happens the next moment. Last year exactly this day my hubby was discharged from the hospital, after a long battle of 4 months fighting for his life. Those were some of the most trying times of my life. Everyday was a give up and then again bringing back hope and fighting it out. Though it did not get over exactly on this day, but getting him out of the hospital was one step to success in getting his life back.

In those 4 months we moved to different hospitals and there was so much done to his body that it now brings me shivers even thinking of it. But he is my brave man, he would never give up and with all of that also keep a smile on his face. For 6 months we could not talk with each other since his speech had gone. We made action communication or written sometimes. He was not able to eat so I would feed him liquid diet through a nose pipe. Every hour I had to do a suction through the tracheostomy done in his neck so there was no stable sleep time for both of us. For a long time there was absolutely no progress seen, rather it was only deterioration and I would think is the rest of my life now going to be the same. I was prepared for it, all that I was not prepared for was losing him.

He is a patient of Myasthenia Gravis, an auto immune disorder since last 3 years. We have been taking utmost care of his health since then, but inspite of all, he collapsed and it happened just all in one day. The Doctor still cannot figure out what must have triggered it, but it was a living hell. He was in the ICU on a ventilator in a conscious state. I was feeling helpless, as seeing him in this condition day and night was painful. All I could do was just be besides him all the time. It was also the beginning of Covid times then, so that was making the whole situation tougher for me. I was not able to get any help as hospital had it's own restrictions. In the hospital days, one thing I did not give up was my daily Meditation, that would bring stability to my mind and I would feel energized to face the challenge every single day. Many people around me would tell me, that with my Meditation and chanting in that room, they also felt calmness. It was a good feeling for me that while I was fighting my own battle, somewhere I was being helpful in some way to people around me.

It would take an effort to make him sit from the bed on the chair, but the hospital guys were very supportive, they never gave up and they would support me in every possible way. While I was dealing with this all alone, but there was so much invisible help coming to me in so many different ways, and that's when I was affirmed that the Universe is supporting me strongly in this battle.

When you face tough times, you grow out much stronger then what you went into it with. Everyday there was an inner turmoil, some countless questions and most of all uncertainty and the fear of losing him. It still gives me shivers to think of what life would have been if he would have not come out of it, or would have not lived it through. Every day the Doctor would give me a blank look and tell me do not be in hope for a daily progress. On one side there was hardly any progress seen and on the other hand the hospital bills were soaring. I was worried on that part also, because our Medical Insurance person informed us that this particular treatment would not be covered under the Insurance scheme. And in those days I did not even have time to work out on that part since my whole attention was on his treatment. By the end of 4 months we had spent close to 50000$. Daily ICU cost with all the treatments was 1000$. Thankfully we were prepared to take care of the expenses and my friends also came forward to offer me help.

And that was just not enough, as were going through his treatment, we were also faced with a heavy loss in our investments where we loss more then half of our life savings. I was wondering what the heck I must have done to get this karma back :-) The year of 2020 was just not an emotional and physical drain but a complete financial drain also.

Today when I am thinking of all of this it makes me very very emotional. I have been in these thoughts since last 2 days, feeling emotional, lost and what not. Tears are rolling down my eyes on a little conversation around this. But then most of it I am grateful to be out of it and be in a stable situation.

In the last 8 months, since the time he has been stable, we have made it a point to live our lives whole heartedly, no holding backs for tomorrow. In the midst of all of this, though I was falling weak many times, one thing deep in my mind I was sure, that be it whatever we will get out of this. We have never done anything wrong for anyone, neither have had bad intentions so while this may be our test we will still not be in a situation of complete failure. Yes I am in tears while I am writing this post, but they are not bringing pain to me. I feel strong and successful.

Today me and hubby have come to a Resort away from the City. He gave me a surprise saying this is a gift for you for all that you did for me. He has been giving me these gifts regularly though, but yes this one year of his recovery we wanted to celebrate and here we are. I will share the pictures of this place tomorrow, it's a beautiful one.

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