Why I Domme - My Kinky Manifesto
"So are you into hurting people or do you like getting smacked around in bed?"
Thanks, Fifty Shades of Rapey Nonsense! Thank you, mainstream media! With your help, the plethora of kinks, fetishes and fantasies included under the BDSM umbrella became synonymous with sadomasochism and "rough sex". That's not what those four letters mean to me. Even though the S and M are still there, it's not about pain and violence. Quite the opposite. I focus on the D/s
There are many reasons why I choose to take the power given to me in a session. Spoiler: joy from inflicting pain is not one of them.
So why do I Domme?
Because I am kinky
And I have always been kinky. It's always been a part of me, that odd attraction to power-play in an intimate setting. Even before I knew what sex is, oddly kinky scenes would float up in my mind, exciting me at the idea of bondage and physical control.
Over the years I've tried to tame the need or ignore it. I can, but why would I? There is so much more to domination that just filling a need. It gives me so much more.
(Very old photo by @mrlightning)
Because it's empowering
Domination is empowering to the Domme. That's quite obvious. To me, there's nothing quite like that feeling I get when my submissive looks up at me with adoration and surrender. But D/s isn't only empowering to whoever is on top, but also to whoever is on the bottom. The ability to give complete trust and relinquish physical control is liberating and empowering. I know because I checked. But that's a topic for a different post.
Because it's creative
The human body is a musical instrument. Bondage is like knitting on the body. The movements of limbs and shivers of muscles, the twitching of nerves and the beautiful noises a human produces are an artwork. A unique creation that can never be recreated, only expanded upon.
Because it's therapeutic
A D/s session can be an intense experience. It can bring things out in you that you never knew were there. In my past experience, working as a professional Domme, I noticed that such intensity, stimulation and intimacy can take people places. I've had submissives cry, laugh hysterically and even just talk about things they never would dare say elsewhere. And it's all part of it.
A Domme is often not only a partner for sexual or semi-sexual activity, but someone with whom you share a level of intimacy that can be deeper than any romantic bond. Mostly because of the intensity and depth of experiences shared.
To me, there's something therapeutic about domination. A session with my beloved submissive is like a religious ritual or some form of meditation for me. It feels me with a sense of peace, and the control I feel in the session accompanies me into my life.
Because I can
Because I have been blessed with the power and ability to take a submissive to a wonderful place in their mind, and give their body a unique experience that is unlike a chemical drug. But natural. And since I can, I do.
---
Note: All images from Pixabay unless otherwise indicated.
I have a friend for the last twenty years that's a Sub, not my life style but she loves it; same thing though, she doesn't take part in anything that causes pain... it's all about being told what to do.
I'm trying to get her on steem and I'll be sending her your post to read.
Well, if she likes being told what to do, how hard can it be to tell her to come to steemit? :D
And thank you. <3
I tried that once when we went to the movies, told her she's a sub and we would be seeing the movie of my choice.
I might have lost my authority when I said I have to go use to the 'potty.'
So far this is the only blog in here I have found any real dom/sub people. Would really love to start a bdsm community here also.
Unfortunately it does not work that way in most cases. Most subs are not subs to anyone. You probably knew that already though:)
Yup. She's been my friend for awhile so I made sure that I knew the rules of how she lives.
This is fascinating
I only really spoke to friends who were into BDSM in their personal lives, not as part of an interaction with those outside their immediate significant others.
I see that you do it for more than a "need", but I'd like to note I think the word "need" is much vaster than we often treat it as. Not just a sexual desire, or a craving for food. The need to be ourselves, and to be recognized as ourselves, is one of the most important ones.
I've got quite a few transgender friends, or friends of friends, in the anime circle. And it seems a lot of sadness came from not being able to be themselves, to declare themselves, to see themselves as they wished to be seen. So that is a need. A need is a primal thing, not necessarily simple or base.
And well, I'm glad you've found what it is you need, and that it also gives you a way to help others with what they, in turn, need.
You can be so reasonable and articulate when you’re not triggered. Well done! Full upvote from me.
I’m fully convinced that consensual BDSM relationships (and, by definition, all such relationships should be consensual) can be incredibly therapeutic. You are probably familiar with the studies done a couple of years ago indicating that BDSM practitioners are psychologically healthier on average than the general population. I think anyone who has practiced it can understand why.
Isn't that true about most reasonable and articulate people?
I haven't looked at those studies, but I am not at all surprised with the result. The question is which is the chicken and which is the egg? Is it that psychologically healthier people seek out the balance of BDSM or is it that there is actual therapeutic value in the practice?
Indeed it is.
Great question regarding the chicken and egg. I know anecdotally that the practice (consensually and properly conducted with a skilled and experienced Top/Dom and a surrendered bottom/sub) can have significant therapeutic benefits. Even transformative benefits. But perhaps that’s because people who are attracted to it are healthier to begin with? I dunno. It’s interesting to ponder.
Personally, I found BDSM to be the perfect place to process my own sexual trauma and reach some kind of equilibrium in my relationship with my sexuality in my early 20s. My therapist raised an eyebrow when I told her about it, years after the fact, but that's because she's an old-fashioned hetero-monogamous lady. To me, the power that comes with Topping has healing properties. I don't know if it works with other people, but I would love to hear about research into BDSM as a treatment for sexual trauma victims.
No studies to back up my statement, so opinion only, but I'm going to guess that those who practice BDSM are generally psychologically healthy people. Disclaimer: those who practice a healthy BDSM relationship. There's a ton of room for confusion in that space. It's been therapeutic for me, as a sub.
The ultimate and complete trust in another is something that most people simply don't understand.
True, that. It saddens me because I know just how profound the experience can be and how much they can benefit from it.
You said you worked in a studio as a Domme, a job like that would probably require a lot of imagination and sensitivity. Imagination for reinventing each other is another way to dominate, and sensitivity to know the dosage in each one needs.
Exactly that!
Excellent and geniuses
We can not ignore who we are, that's what we "got"
And with that, we can play whatever game we want.
The beautiful thing in BDSM, we have to be very clear on the rules.
The brain loves to act when there are rules, Which are known and clear in advance. This is what makes it all "possible and okay"
Do whatever makes you feel good, as long as it does not hurt anything else (not in this case) :)
<3 <3 <3 now why does this not surprise me at all? :D <3 <3 <3
You go girl. As I said before: so much more than meets the eye. ;D
Whoever was the marketing idiot who made fifty shades of bullshit blow up, I sincerely hope karma fucks them up. groan
Like I wrote in one of the other comments on this post: best thing about fifty shades is the fact it made me start writing my book to try and bring balance to the world with some GOOD kinky literature.
Did you get to go to a dungeon for that photo or is that your personal play area?
It was a professional studio I worked at.
That chair design is awesome. Great post, thanks for sharing this piece of your life. As silly as 50 Shades was, I think it helped ease an overall stigmas in personal choice areas a little bit, but I believe ignorance still persists. Oh hell, people believe the Earth is flat, ignorance rules.
The chair had a lockable cage under the seat. It was a hit. I miss it.
Ah, it's a shame that you didn't post this article before your avatar drawing contest. Would have loved to see what the artists came up with.
Time for another contest!
Ha! That would have indeed been interesting. :)
Ugh, those books/movies totally got it wrong! I play more on the other side, but couldn't agree more with your post. Spot on!
The only good thing about that awful book was that an attempt to read it made me start writing "Mistress of Magic". Because the world deserves good BDSM porn.
I'd like to see something that explores the mind of the sub too. Something hugely powerful about giving yourself to somebody that completely. I'd like the world to know it's not degrading and you can be submissive and still have a backbone ;)
Not to mention the poor content, but the writing was god awful. Excited to read yours!!
There was a book I read about a submissive who was a feminist and tried to reconcile the two opposites in her. I wish I remembered the name.
I think that's where a lot of people are flawed in their thinking. Why are those opposites? Being a sub doesn't hurt the feminist movement at all.
But it can feel like an opposite. Women empowerment while being someone's fuckdoll is a hard combo. This demands a post of its own.
This thing is something that gets me angry every time. People seems to think you can´t be someone´s fuckdoll and have similar rights in a relationship. They could not be more wrong.
It absolutely deserves a post of its own. Hard to describe to those who haven’t, or have no desire to, experience it. But submission is powerful.
It is. It took me a long time to find the right partner to connect with that side of me. But it's... fascinating from my perspective of a long-time Domme.