The movie that I'm going to go over today is one of my absolute favorite horror films to come out in the past 20 years. I imagine a fair amount of you have probably never heard of it, which is a shame. Because, that would me you're probably a cro-magnon virgin, since this film puts its ass where its mouth is and gives you a big old smooch with how great it is. It's called Dog Soldiers. It was written and directed by Neil Marshall, the same guy who brought us great shit like The Descent, as well as the massive stinker known as Hellboy (2018). Clearly, you can tell this movie is for those of us who are true intellectuals. But, enough about all that. Lets just get right into the meat of the film, boi's.
The film starts out with our main character, Cooper, taking an evening stroll through the hazy woods of Northern Whales, stretching his legs and getting some fresh air while in his military uniform. Probably because that shit looks comfy as fuck. Then, some military nerd named Ryan pops up, who happens to dress like he's from the matrix or some shit, and proceeds to harass him for his lunch money. However, after coming to the realization that Cooper has packed his lunch, demands he shoot a dog so they can have some good eating. It's never outright stated, but I assume Ryan must be from the Alabama region of the United Kingdom. Cooper, being the alpha chad he is, calls him a fat pussy with weird nipples and bails.
4 weeks pass by, with Cooper now going on a camping trip with his friends who take paintball way too seriously or something, as they all arrive with paintball guns with yellow barrels. They touch down in the woods of Scotland in style, as a real man should, being dropped off via Helicopter. I guess one of them must be fucking rich or something. It's revealed that the group he's with is not only his friends, but his squad mates, who decided instead of going to work they'd just go get drunk in the woods and fuck about. I can't say I really blame them. We learn their names are Sergeant Wells, Spoon, Joe, Terry and Bruce. The day passes by with them just dicking around, and as night falls they start a campfire. They decide to tell spooky stories, with the Sergeant telling a story about how he's haunted by finding an ass cheek while he was on a mission. I guess he must have a phobia about eating ass or something? Shortly after, a cow falls down into their camp and dies showing gruesome wounds on its sides. They follow in the steps of Chinese police officers and rule it a suicide, don't look into it further, then go to bed.
The next morning while playing paintball, they stumble upon someones camp that is a stinky mess. Shit looks like a hoarder had a meth bender. However, it turns out that the camp belongs to Captain Ryan from the start of the film, as they find him asleep in a pile of leaves. As he wakes up, he's rambling and making no sense, probably from drinking too much cough syrup or something. They notice he's not in the best of shape, as his chest looks kinda fucked up, from what we can only assume is Poison Oak, probably. The guys find a bunch of actual MP9's laying on the ground in the camp, and decide that rocking those would be way more badass than their paintball guns, so they swap them out. They decide the show needs to get on the road, and start moving out of the shit hole camp, as they were at risk of getting hepatitis otherwise.
While making their way through the woods, some crazed people in fursona suits attempting to make nature their bitch by dressing up as wolves show up, and really try to ruin all of their fun. Seriously, what a bunch of pussy boi's. Bruce separated from the group decides he, too, wants to become one with nature but before he can strip down nude and start rubbing his dick on the grass, he stumbles onto a stick and gets a booboo. One of the furries shows up and looks at him like he's stupid, and then we don't see him again. I guess the director just thought we wouldn't notice, or something. The sergeant finds the area where he fell, and they swapped him out with a big old pile of spaghetti for some reason, and just thought the audience were fucking troglodytes apparently. Kinda fucking rude, if you ask me.
But, I digress. The sergeant see's one of the wolf costumed furries and tired of their shit, opens fire on them blasting them with the MP9. Apparently, though, John Wick must have ripped off the idea of those bullet proof suits because these dudes are using bullet proof wolf costumes. Pretty god damn ingenious for greasy weebs shoving animal dildos up their assholes. As you can guess, this pisses the furry off, so he takes out a ginsu knife or something and goes full on wolverine on the sergeant. Luckily, the sergeant was keeping his stash of sausages and baked beans in his vest, so he narrowly avoids being cut. Sadly, though, the loss of his beans and sausages cripples him to his very core. Cooper shows up, and has to drag him around for a bit. What a turbo virgin.
Eventually, some zoo keeper driving down the road finds them and offers them a ride. Apparently, the furries stole her weed and have been terrorizing her by pretending to be Neil Breen and demanding she star in their indie movie. After driving for a bit, they find some hippy commune house in the woods and take shelter there. Cooper upon entering finds a dog named Air Bud, who'm he quickly befriends. The group tries to get back in the car, due to the horrendous stench of incense in the house. Unfortunately, the furries slashed their tires and pissed all over the seats of their car, making it very yucky and useless. They retreat back into the house to take shelter, and bear with the shitty smell.
The furries try to break into the house throughout the movie, probably hoping to offer blowjobs for some quick money. They abduct Terry after finding out he made a sexist comment on Twitter several years ago. The group isn't having any of that cancel culture shit though, so they just unload their gats on them several times until they start running low on ammo. Sadly, they all appear to have those bullet proof suits on so it doesn't so shit besides make their dicks hard from the pure testosterone of using full auto firearms. They soon realize to escape these nature loving weirdos they need to make a break to the barn, where another car is stored. Spoon acts as a distraction, by screaming about his love of Rick and Morty and how you have to have a high IQ to really understand the show. Joe takes advantage of this and heads to the barn, where he finds Terry getting a hicky from one of the furries. Out of shame of being caught, Terry then proceeds to rip his own head off and throw it across the barn. Rip.
Joe vanishes afterwards, being replaced by a pile of fruit filled jello. Again, I don't understand the trend of this with the director. Does the director not think we have eyes or something? Shortly after, the group interrogates Ryan about why he was out in the woods high on cough syrup. He admits that the government sent him there in hopes to recruit the furries to their side and weaponize them. He got too caught up with partying with them though, but they wouldn't stop so he hid and passed out in some poison oak. Thankfully, his skin has cleared up at this point. But, the disgust of wanting to weaponize furries angers them and they try to twist his nipples. In a shocking Twist, it's shown that Ryan has succumbed to the furry lifestyle and was hiding his very own wolf fursona suit under his clothes. He strips down, breaks out and vanishes from sight.
The zoo keeper who brought them there suggests maybe he ran to the barn to hide, and upset that they didn't get to bully him like the fucking incel he is, decide to blow up the barn. Like any sensible person would. However, after doing so, they find out he wasn't in there, so they just kinda stand around sadly with their soft cocks in hand for a bit. Shortly after though, the zoo keeper reveals she, too, is hiding her wolf fursona, and has been trying to subliminally stimulate them into becoming furries as well. To help with this, she has unlocked the door to let the rest of her people in, with promises of rave music and candy. However, before she can slip on her suit, they throw some cherry juice in her face and knock her out.
The sergeant and Cooper run upstairs, with Spoon challenging one of the furries to be his opponent for a Youtube Boxing match. After fighting for awhile, he kinda just gets tired and leaves the set. This is yet another time where the director decides to just swap him out for a pile of cherry cobbler. I guess we all must be a bunch of brainlets to this fucking guy or something. The other pair make it back downstairs, with Cooper heading into the cellar underneath the floor in the kitchen. Sergeant wells, however, accidentally trips on his own shoelace and falls onto the oven, somehow triggering an explosion that kills everyone upstairs. The only survivors are Coop and Air Bud.
As he comes to terms with the death of his friend, Ryan shows back up and starts to give him a taste of his own medicine by twisting his nipples when he's down. Thankfully, however, Air Bud has contracted a form of rabies and mauls Ryan to death. The pair leave the house, and slowly make their way back towards civilization. Thankfully without anyone turning into a delicious dessert for no reason. And, so ends this harrowing tale of friendship.
The movie is truly a tearjerker, making me weep from all of my orifices all at once. The director did a wonderful job of taking an odd situation and making a heartfelt film out of it. The score was entirely done by daft punk farting into a series of different horns, truly a revolutionary technique on their part. I have nothing but good things to say about this film, especially with the unique take on their villains of the film. So, stop watching your hentai, pull your nut sack out, and go watch this film right fucking now if you know what's good for you. You won't regret it, pussies.
Alright, if you silly virgins haven't already noticed, this is a satirical movie review. You can thank @modernzorker for having to read this dick hardening piece of fan fiction, as he challenged me to his bad horror review content a little while ago. Sadly, I'm a fucking loser and missed the deadline by a god damn mile, but felt I should enter it anyways. I'm sure most of you have been absorbing all the sensual vibes while reading this, probably with two fingers inserted into your ass, but I hope you at least got a laugh or two out of this dumb ass nonsensical shit I have wrote. Also, do actually go watch Dog Soldiers, as it's super fucking good and one of the best Werewolf films ever made. Until next time.