The only purpose of beauty is love
My mother had birthday and I made this painting for her. It shows my grandmother with my mother as a baby (acrylic on canvas, 40 x 30cm)
My grandmother was a very beautiful and complicated woman, full of love and hate, black and white, who lived through horrible times in Nazi-Germany. Today perhaps someone would diagnose something like a borderline personality disorder and trauma because of the war, but back at the time…. My mother as a child was overburdened, every second day her parents fought, and my grandmother sought help by her young daughter. As a six-year-old, my mother had to pack repeatedly a suitcase and “rescue” her mother. Later my grandmother hurt herself and blamed her daughter for her actions. Or turned the telephone of after she threatened to kill herself… I think you get an image. But nevertheless, my mother always deeply loved her mother, although she caused her so much suffering.
Here you can see bits of my painting process
While painting the present for my mother I was so conflicted, because on the one hand I wanted to respect my mothers love of her mother, but on the other hand I saw how much my grandmother had minimized my mother. How often did she tell her how ugly she was, with “big bones” and her “jewish” nose. For my grandmother beauty was so important, but only she was beautyful in her eyes. So, I started a second painting, which for me shows the ambiguity of my grandmother. This painting is now in an exhibition and I did not dare to explain it to my mother.
Now I have a very conflicted relationship with “beauty” as I tried to express in this poem (it is translated, and I hope it works in English too)
How can something be so empty but also so much sought after. Rotting flowers and a fly on top. Dark colours to remind us that nothing is permanent besides god.
But he cannot be seen in an image. And in your life? Is beauty god.
Do I want beauty to be god, so that I am allowed to like it? The interior is turned outside and shows abundance, fragments, void, slime, ether, fire, thought – all is burning, if I contemplate it long enough, all is burning. When I look away and cool myself down, then the fire stops, and I dissect the beauty into pieces. The pieces fall on the ground and could be recomposed another time. The other, who is looking at the former beauty now only notices the destroyed. He must resume searching.
I have tidied up neatly, brightened the dark colours so much, that everybody is dazzled. A radiating idea, god in emptiness, the missing of everything, love in nothing, a beginning.
And for the completeness: the painting process of the second painting
The two paintings are my contribution to @juliakponsford ART EXPLOSION WEEK 26: Theme VINTAGE
Thank you so much for this theme, it was perfect timing for me :-D
Wow...just wow! I dont know what to say. I feel what you say. It is very difficult for a child growing up in this environment. After reading your lines I understand why you painted this picture like that. Also, our grandparents really had to suffer in a difficult and violent time during the Nazi-time, the war and after the war. It really hurts me when my grandma told me she had no food for days, cause she gave the little bit to her children. Your story around this picture really touched me!!!
Yeah my family history is very mixed, one part was persecuted and the other were Nazis themselves. On both sides extremes. But as a child I did't understood all the implications of my grandparents stories. But as you have said it hurts to hear of their suffering... for me this means today all fleeing people should find a home in secure countries like germany.
Ich hoffe es geht dir besser und alle Erkältungs/Grippeviren sind besiegt! Ganz liebe Grüße an dich (PS... bin voll am stricken dran, häkeln ruht gerade :-D)
Ja, danke. Mir gehts schon besser und die Wohnung ist auch fast fertig. In 3 Wochen sind Semesterferien. Dann schreib ich wieder Posts für Steemit. Übrigens finde ich es echt mutig, deine sehrpersönliche Familiengeschichte zu veröffentlichen. Respekt!
Das klingt gut!!! Wohnung und Viren im Schach :-D Freue mich auf deine posts (siehe oben - wegen meiner erwachten Strickbegeisterung) Und ja... ich habe auch kurz darüber nachgedacht, ob es eine gute Idee ist so etwas aufzuschreiben, aber dann: Ich habe schon oft auf der Bühne oder beim Unterrichten sehr private Dinge erzählt, vielleicht ist dadurch meine Hemmschwelle niedrig. Ich rechtfertige es immer damit, dass sich hoffentlich andere mit meiner Geschichte identifizieren können und sich dann evtl. weniger alleine fühlen. Mir hat es zumindest schon oft geholfen - ich nenne es mal "Solidarität im Leid" - zu finden.
I'm deeply moved by your painting, poem and the story behind them. I'm very often sad about the past, but at the same time very uplifted by the present and the future- there is something very reassuring and soothing in your insight about your family relationships. A promise of change, of progress, of a well used knowledge and consciousness. That's the impression I get from your kind words :) Hm, you know, recently I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with beauty. I've come to the conclusion, that I really attempt hard to live beautifully. It's a goal in itself for me, and I had only a vague knowledge of that before. I didn't notice earlier how much important beauty is to me on a daily basis. And by beauty I mean all the things not only pleasant to the eye, but also good and true ;P but my definition of beauty is vaaaast, so very often it's not so obvious... but I know I'm looking for it everywhere I look, go etc.
From now on I'm going to follow your blog much more closely, to not miss anything unique anymore!
Love,
Klaudia
Thank you for this lovely comment. It lends a new perspective to my own understanding of beauty and family - and I must admit you have a much more hopeful interpretation than I :-D
For me beauty is so conflicted. I want to believe in your idea, that beauty is goodness, inspiration, love, hope and compassion, and intellectually I can follow along, but so often my feelings tell me something different. Perhaps I learned (inherited) the idea especially women are only lovable if they conform the current beauty standards of being thin, abled-bodied, and young. I
hatedon't like myself for having this kind of thought, of judging (mostly my own) bodies. I must actively fight this for my very dominant "classic" beauty standards. The good thing is, while doing art I am much freer of these standards. For example, I tried to choose dancers for my productions, which don't conform to a classic beauty, but it is not easy, because trained dancers are always filtered by an education which shuns fat, dark, not-abled etc bodies. I believe that everyone can move beautifully, and all bodies can tell a fascinating story.And the family.... I do not have children. One reason is, that I am afraid to continue the harmful relation between mother daughter. My mother is in many parts different from my grandmother, but some of the difficult patterns I also perceive between me and my mother, and I am totally unsure, that I would not reproduce them with my own child.
Sorry for this long and a little bit pessimistic (or to honest :-D) answer. As I wrote above, I really liked your interpretation and I hope there are more people out there who share your world view <3
Lovely poem and paintings, I'm sorry to hear the sad part of this but it's a nice tribute :)
Happy you liked it and you have chosen such a good theme at the exact right time, so that I could finish the present and the post :-D
Please help me upvote have oke
I like post you... @egazzoe
thanks for reading my post
Nic post.
thank you
beautiful birthday gift....mother gonna be surprised...
Thank you, and yes she liked it very much :-D
ok already I vote. do not forget to vote back
I really liked the description of the picture. It's true, love is beauty.
Thank you!!! I hope the post was comprehensible... I found it very difficult to translate my poem in English