surviving pain - interpretation for the ARTchallenge # 16

Dear steemian,

this is my interpretation of the painting you see below and my entry for the ARTchallenge # 16. The text turned out to be very personal but very healing too. I hope you can take something from it.

How I see the painting

I see a woman that is hanging on to life even though it is pure pain. I see her pain in her facial expression. She seems to be screaming. Al the same time she can be holding back the scream and try to laugh, to hide the pain. Maybe she does not want people to know she is in pain. Maybe it is hard for her to ask for help.

She is her only support because the only thing holding her, is her own hair. She is about to lose her head and her soul is in great danger. Many people belief that the soul lives just behind the belly button. So the sword pointing to the belly button symbolizes the danger her soul is in.

The painting includes the words: feeling like being killed by life . .... it hurts a little.
This statement shows that the women is in great pain but it minimizes the pain and the situation at the same time. The statement is also written on a beautiful blue ribbon which , in my opinion is there to take attention away from the pain.

What it means to me

For me the painting shows how we all try to hide, when we are in pain. Even if life tears us apart. We want to appear strong. We want to be independed and overcome things on our own. Even if we feel life is nearly ending.
For me personally it mirrors my pain. The pain I had to go through in my life. I was born in Kazakhstan in a very small village. We were poor but we always had enough to survive. Because we had land to live off. But all we did was just surviving. I see that now as I am older. Today I live in Germany. I survived being born prematurely, being disabled, losing my father to suicide when I was just seven years old, moving to the homeland of my ancestors without knowing the language or anything about what was coming. I survived an operation on my legs which later turned out to be unnecessary. I survived bullies in school and I survived feeling broken all my life and trying desperately to fix myself with very painful methods at times.

It took me until today, until the year 2017 to see that life is not about surviving. Life is about living. The strange thing is: My life never felt like my life to me. My achievements did not feel real to me. I have seen so much beauty and I am successful at many things but it never felt like my success. It took me to break down completely to discover that all this is due to all the trauma I endured.
I found a way to let go of the trauma and today I have moments when I feel and see: Hey! This is my life! How awesome is that?! And those moments I see more and more.
I am very thankful to be alive and out of survivalmode. I feel like the women in the painting is only in survival mode but does not really see it.
This has taken some time to come forth for it is somewhat painful. but I guess it fits the painting as well. Thank you @aksinya for the invitation.