Trying to Grow Past Hating Change
Many of my difficulties navigating adult life come from a tendency towards rigidity and an intense dislike of change. Change, especially unexpected change, triggers my anxiety like WHOA, and can sometimes turn into unwarranted rage before I've realized it. I think this is one of my most obvious autistic traits, and in the past it's interfered with my relationships and even my career. Luckily, the worst of my rage meltdowns are largely behind me—I haven't had a really bad one in years—and even my crying meltdowns have gotten less frequent over time, but I still experience sensory meltdowns and irritability in response to change.
I love school because of the set schedule and clear expectations. I struggle more in classes that lack this: last winter, a (fairly mild) snowstorm shut down the city I live in, and classes were cancelled for over a week. One of my classes presented us with a revised syllabus, updated to reflect the new schedule of readings and due dates; another did not. I spent a large part of the term feeling anxious, because the professor of that second class opted to just let us know the schedule for a week or so out. He would either push things back if we ran out of time to cover important topics or drop readings altogether on very short notice. Such uncertainty often leads to insomnia and spontaneous crying fits, and this impacts my ability to meet my obligations, of course. Lack of sleep increases emotional volatility which increases anxiety which increases insomnia, and so on.
But even smaller changes in established routines bother me. When one of my housemates is later than usual coming home from work, I start to get anxious, and then upset. I'm not trying to control them, but I need to know what's happening, preferably in advance. My best friend recently shifted their routine without warning: they began spending an extra night a week at their boyfriend's place, and I'm torn about it—it's nice having the living room space to myself, but at the same time I'm still bothered at the change. I've been trying to keep my irritation to myself—I'm a frickin' adult, after all—but I think they can tell something's bothering me.
Recently, I've been thinking a lot about how I feel isolated and unhappy since I finished the last of my classes and graduated. I start grad school in the autumn, but in the meantime, I've mainly been staying home. I can't motivate myself to spontaneity: I don't want to leave the house with nowhere to go, and since I'm also fairly introverted I don't want to visit people all the time because that will tire me out, leading to sensory overload and irritability. With no external expectations or routine, I've become a bit depressed.
I want to pull out of feeling crappy, but I'm not sure how. I can't make up busy work for myself—I need to have a sense of meaning and order in what I do. How do I get out of this pit I've fallen into, then? I'll never be spontaneous or an extravert, but what can I be that will help me address the things making me unhappy now?
Of course, I'm in favor of change on a societal level. There's a lot I'd change about how people treat each other: I want us all to respect each other and embrace each other, no matter how we differ from each other. I want to end white supremacy, to end gender and sexual violence, to end capitalist exploitation, to eradicate systematic injustice of all kinds. (sarcasm) You know, just a few little things. (/sarcasm) It feels silly to me that I can want such grand sweeping changes in the world while simultaneously flipping out because my roommate went out for drinks with a few friends and came back at 1am.
As part of thinking about all this, I drew a piece of art I had the idea for a while back:
Sit with discomfort, and then seek growth
I don't know if it'll help me accept change in my life, but I'm trying to do this now, to sit still and just experience whatever is making me uncomfortable or unhappy, and to think of how I can make things better for myself. What will help me be happy? What will help me grow, emotionally? Can I grow past hating change? I don't quite know, but this art may remind me to consider it, and perhaps that can be enough for now.
How about you? Do you struggle with change? Maybe this piece can help you, too.
Generally speaking, change doesn't bother me (it was a constant when I was a child) but every once in a while a change in routine with bother me A LOT!
I love the art you created to help with this particular challenge <3
There were a few big changes when I was a kid—my dad getting sick and then dying, and moving from Cali to Oregon—but mostly we had regular, predictable routines for much of my childhood. I am absolutely a creature of habit—I eat the same kinds of foods all the time, I walk the same way back from the bus stop to my apartment, I listen to the same upbeat playlist when washing the dishes, and so on—and having any of these routines disrupted will upset me for at least the rest of the day.
That said, I have some flexibility in activities at home. Most of my time is spent reading or writing, but sometimes I knit or draw instead. I got the idea for this piece last summer, but didn't sit down and create it for months! I do rather like it—maybe I'll put it on the wall! :)
The disruptions that really throw me through a loop are the ones that happen in the morning. I am not a morning person by nature but I can get through them with a routine.
I'm the oldest of 6 kids and we moved a lot, so it was always a new member of the family, new home, different economic situation, etc. etc.
Once we moved to Oregon, we were pretty poor, and ended up moving every year for a couple of years, but I guess that didn't occur to me as a big change. I wonder how I can tolerate moving every few years... Huh, I'll have to think more about that.
Ours were always pretty big moves that at least involved a school change. I think it gets to be so ingraned we view it as normal, because it is to us. But it is disruptive.
I only ever had the one school change, luckily—it would have been really hard on me to do more than once!
I had 3 elementary schools, was homeschooled for a couple years, and then was in the same district for middle & high school :).
I have no experience in this area, but I just came here from your comment on my poem where you mentioned that you meditate. I’d imagine that becomes even more helpful in these times.
I think meditation has helped me reduce my emotional reactivity to negative times. I can often remind myself to breathe through frustration and upset, now, and that can really help me get through a tough time!
kindly follow back and upvote my posts please...