Why do some people feel ashamed when apologizing? (featuring @infinitor as author)

in #apology8 years ago (edited)

I had this thought while sitting - in my underwear - and pondering over society and life in general.

This thought struck me like a train, it gave me much to think about which ultimately lead me here, on Steemit, drafting an article about it. We all see it day to day, perhaps many of you have also felt it. It's that feeling you get when you apologize to someone. For most people, it's a feeling that somehow makes you feel "degraded", while at the same time for others, it is a feeling of happiness, almost as if you have had a huge weight taken off of your back. You might have asked yourself this question, at some point.

Why do people feel "ashamed" when apologizing?

Let me share a personal experience.

A few months ago, I was on a message board. The OP of the thread had asked us to discuss a certain world event, I can't remember what it was. But I do remember that it was pretty frustrating, it made you angry. So, there was this comment about how the commentor agreed with the general argument presented by someone in that world event, but not completely. I felt this urge to post about how the commentor was "incredibly high" and there was "something wrong with him to agree with that twisted thing". In my blinding rage of anger and fury, I had come off as hostile to that person who had only tried to contribute to the conversation. I didn't think much of it after I had posted it.

Fast-forward a few hours. A notification appears in my account, that person had replied and explained his comment. I took a look at it and in the process, had the fortune to look at my own comment too.

I realized my mistake. I knew I was wrong. It was like someone gutted me. It was a horrible experience. I was rude to someone who had done nothing but voice his own opinion, something that I think should be done more often. I scrambled to write him an apology. I saw the point he was trying to make, and realized that he was indeed right.

I apologized to him, and wrote my own view of the situation, agreeing with him. As soon as I clicked that button, "Post", I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my back. It was like I was set free. It felt like I was enslaved by my own words but now that I had taken them back, I felt infinitely better.

If you can make someone's day better by just saying three words, "I am sorry," then is there anything better? So why, oh why, do people tend not to apologize thinking it makes them look "small"? We all know that someone who thinks,

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I think that at the core of it all, the person who should apologize, even if he knows that he is wrong, thinks that he should abide by what he said because if he disowns those words, it makes him a less reliable, truthful, and trustable person. It is beneath him, it makes him smaller. He thinks all of this even if knows he is wrong. And so begins the saga of never apologizing and sticking with what you said because saying those three words, "I am sorry", are the destruction of your person and your ego.

Personally, I think that there is no man greater than one who admits his mistake and apologizes. He is not dwarfed by any man, instead all are dwarfed by him for he had the courage and dignity to admit his mistake and apologize.

When I apologized to that person, on the internet, I was struck by this thought that there are so many people who go on each day, hurting people, and don't even realize that they've done something wrong. In their mind, they are right. I think that this is the root cause of many issues in today's world, from terrorism to shop-lifting. Any and everything can be classified under this mindset.

I think that we should be more forgiving and more apologetic because to me, that is the only way for us to move forward.

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Better learn to say those 3 little words if you want to stay married! ;)

The equally important reciprocation of those three words are another three... "I forgive you".

And then the most important three of all... "what's for dinner?" ;)

You can always explain what you have said.

IMHO, it's a double-edged sword...

On the one hand, an apology is coming from a vulnerable place - it is admitting that the apologizer had an assumption about something that was inaccurate and realized it retroactively...

One of the unspoken social rules that is often (unconsciously) followed is the goal in looking good to one's fellow peers. When one realizes an error in discernment has taken place, and that an apology is necessary to set things right, it is taking the risk of not looking good by admitting that one was mistaken, and thus not coming from a place of true strength or clear intelligence...

On the other hand, an apology is coming from a place of strength - it is courageously risking not looking good to one's fellow peers and is openly admitting that one is human, capable of error, and even fallible at times...

Most people can admit this in general - but when one is admitting it personally... It takes honest conviction and an adherence to principles that, unfortunately, many people simply don't have. And this is why, IMHO, there is such a great amount of respect for people who are brave enough to risk not looking good - one is adhering to principles and being true to oneself. Essentially, one is refusing to give a flying fuck how one is perceived by others...

So while one is admitting error, one is also admitting strength - thus the double-edged sword. :-)

Asking for forgiveness and making retributions to those I've wronged has changed my life in many ways. Being angry hurts no one but yourself.

To say you are sorry shows that you are the better person. It takes the weight of your shoulders and makes you happier. Thank you for your article.

and not giving a damn about typos, apparently

"NihilSim" --I just thought of another unusual video game concept.

It's lookin' like a Bingo Kangaroo Kinda Day for me.

Hi @infinitor
I agree with you 100% that apologizing lifts a weight from your shoulders, but sometimes it is difficult to apologize, as you say it feels as if you give in and most men are very competitive and does not like loosing. However when you are wrong you need to admit it and apologize.
Great post.

Apologies put people in a vulnerable state, which sometimes is taken advantage of by bad people.

I can get behind most of what you wrote here, forgiveness and compassion are super important! I wanted to offer an alternate perspective. One of my resolutions recently has been to stop apologizing as much, especially in scenarios where an apology isn't warranted. In these scenarios, the "apology" is more of an invalidation of what I am trying to say, a preface or a way of framing that limits my presence in the situation. (Just spent like 5 minutes trying to find the correct word for this in my brain, and am still stumped.)

Often times I think women shrink in conversations with others, especially men, and don't acknowledge themselves and the validity of what they are trying to say.

For example:

  • Instead of saying "Sorry for talking so much", when opening up to someone else, I try to say "Thank you for listening!"

This cartoon is pretty relevant to what I'm trying to say.

Curious to hear your thoughts! Even though I like to resist binary thinking, it feels like it could be a gendered issue (?)

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