I Went Skydiving and My Life has Never Been the Same

Growing up I never thought much about fear. It never got in my way. Just face the challenges before you and try for the best results was my attitude. That all changed in my late 20's.

I WENT SKYDIVING

My girlfriend talked me and another couple into jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

The day went smoothly enough. We took the safety course at the airport, signed away our lives thru release after release and suited up. It was all so uneventful. Twenty minute plane ride up to 12k feet, hook up to my jump mate and off we went.

Falling out of that plane changed my life. I've never stopped falling.

I'm actually having a tough time typing this. Reliving that event makes me terribly anxious.

We landed perfectly. The view was jaw dropping. The airport was only a few miles from the ocean.

The change in me from this event seemed to take place quite slowly at the time, but in hindsight it happened at light speed.

I was no longer a fast driver. I couldn't, and still can't, tolerate speed. Highways and bridges are terribly difficult to drive on, even as a passenger. I know every non-highway road in the state of NJ. It takes me double the travel time to cover significant distances.

The last time I drove on a highway was work related and I was forced to take a client to the airport. What a nightmare. You best believe that I took the secondary roads on the way home.

The last couple of times I flew I thought I would go mad or die from fear. My hands go numb. It feels like all oxygen has left the cabin. I don't know that I will fly again.

Seeing a picture of someone standing on a mountain ledge puts me on edge, at this point. I can't stop falling in my own mind. I'll find myself cruising along in the car and envision that tightrope walker that tried the Manhattan skyline and fell. All of a sudden I'm out of control with anxiety.

Having been a fairly normal guy for the first 30 years of my life, it is hard for people that have known me to accept that this is happening to me. I've been accused of being lazy for not wanting to travel. I'm told to just get over it. That highways are safer than 2 lane roads. People don't understand my plight. Rather blame me for me issues.

My wife isn't certain what to do with me. She try's her best to be understanding. Yet I know she is often frustrated with this enormous hurdle of mine. She has stuck with me for nine years.

I have gone to psychologists. They want me to relax and pretend I'm driving, listening to tapes in their offices. I have read book after book. To no avail. I attempt to meditate. I excercise. I do yoga.

This anxiety is eventually going to kill me I don't know what to do about it. Time doesn't heal. It has only made the problem worse.

I keep putting my best foot forward and take my time the best I can. Thankfully I can still get in my car and drive. I avoid whatever triggers I can. I can get to a job, as long as it's not too far away. Hopefully I can find some success on Steemit and not even need to commute any more!

I am a fullblown scaredycat and I can't stop falling.

That was very hard to write.

I thank @scaredycatguide for inspiring me to write this blog.

Image source: pixabay.com