Knowing the cause of your anger is the first step to letting it go. So often we are set off by trivial things, when the underlying reason is it reminds us of a time when we felt vulnerable and/or alone. My therapist recommends recognizing the reason I am angry and channeling it into a healthier way of releasing the energy... whether it be journaling or writing, or exercise, or a hobby such as music, etc. You writing this article is a perfect example and a great first step.

I identify with this post a lot. Middle school was also extremely difficult for me for the same reasons, but also because I was struggling with the loss of my parent at the same time and I didn’t have the support I needed to cope. I, too, was bullied by people who I thought were my friends. A very specific time was when my clique of girl friends all decided to write me a very detailed letter, to which they all contributed in their own handwriting, about how much they despised me because I was different and they didn’t want me in their circle anymore. My best friend was the only one who didn’t contribute... but to this day, I still wonder if she stood up for me or just passively didn’t sign the letter. I wish I could say it got better in high school, but it didn’t. I just decided not to care what people thought of me anymore... and that turned me into a bit of a heartless b. But I kind of liked it that way. It put up a wall so I could deal with all the other stuff. Even my own family members have taken the opportunity to bully me and try to make me feel worthless... all of which have been the result of alcohol-induced Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome. You could go so far as to say that the most influential family members were verbally abusive to me... and the words they told me I struggle with in my head every time I feel down. I channeled my anger back then into throwing things across the room and getting satisfaction when it hit the wall and broke into a million pieces. Why? Because that’s how I felt on the inside... like I was in a million little pieces and I would never be able to be put back together. So it made me feel good to do it to someone/something else. To this day, I struggle with anger from abandonment issues and feeling like I am never good enough. Just like you, I lash out at anyone who treats me or someone I love the way I have been treated... & it results in bridges burned at both ends.

I think you already know the reason why people treated you this way in the past... it’s because they were broken inside, themselves, and needed someone else to be broken with them...usually directed at the person who seemingly has the things they wish they had- a loving family, intelligence, beauty, etc. It’s a vicious cycle... because we turn around and do the same in an effort to make ourselves feel better... and it manifests as anger with the ones we love the most. The ones who have so much forgiveness inside of them when we are so full of grudges.

My husband also bears the brunt of my anger spells and I feel guilty knowing that while I may be angry with him on the surface for something trivial, it’s not his fault I feel abandoned to begin with,... that the trivial things like not helping me around the house or not spending enough time with me reminds me of that abandonment feeling I had as a child... it’s not his fault I feel the need for more nurturing in my life because a piece of me is missing, and it’s a role he will never be able to fill no matter how hard he tries. It’s not his fault I feel abandoned when my computer fails to work when I need it to do something, but yet he witnesses my rage and lack of control, and when he tries to calm me down I lash out at him. I lash out because I wish I had the patience he has for trivial things like a computer freezing. My biggest fear is that my children will see that side of me and be forever impacted by what they witness... which has driven me to seek therapy. Going to therapy has taught me how to piece together how everything in my life is related and how what I experienced back then still impacts my life now. I am doing a lot better than I was a few months ago... I don’t feel the rage bubble up inside of me like it used to because I try to recognize the source of my anger and channel it in other directions.

At the end of the day, No one is perfect. Learning to forgive yourself is part of the journey. Talk to your wife. She may understand you way more than you realize... that’s why she is so forgiving of your faults. Channel your anger into building a bond with her by opening up to her rather than fighting with her. Channel it in healthy ways like how you already are beginning to do with your writing and exercise to release the tension and produce endorphins.

But most of all, stop holding a grudge against yourself. You are good enough. You are not alone. You are so loved. More than you even know.

Holding onto grudges is like throwing a hot stone... you’re the one who gets burned. -Buddha