JAMES BONG: Agent Of Anarchy - Episode 4 - Part 1 (SATIRE)

In this new episode of James Bong, new characters come to the fold as Bong defends the private property of a cannabis dispensary.  

Scene 1
James Bong is sprawled out on the floor of K’s place in Acapulco snoozing away.

K (nudging Bong with foot):  Bong!
Bong (dazed):  Huh, what? I’m trying to sleep.

K:  You’ve been cuttin zees for over 12 hours, most of which has been filled with unpleasant, involuntary bodily noises.
Bong (rising to feet, sleepy-eyed, offended):  Bullocks.

K:  I’ve got holographic video to prove it if you want.
Bong (sighing):  Not necessary.

K:  Anyway, we’ve got work to do.  A big job is just around the corner.
Bong:  Have you managed to get some useful intel from our plants in Small’s office?

K (puffy cheeks):  Not exactly.    
Bong:  It’s been a week.  What the hell is taking you so long?

K:  It’s a lot of data to sift through! Anyway, what I do have is intel from the DEA that a big raid is about to happen in a few days.    

Bong:  I’m listening.
K:  The biggest cannabis dispensary in California, Kushy Budz, is about to get raided.    

Mysterious female voice comes from the background

Female Voice:  K, I have finished the tasks you assigned me.

Bong (turns around and is shocked to see a female humanoid robot):  How long was I asleep?

Female Robot:  You were sleeping for 12 hours, 9 minutes, and 3 seconds.  Your snoring registered a .00000001433 on the Richter Scale.  That could be a problem.  Would you like a medical exam?

Bong (jaw dropped):  No, I don’t want a medical exam. (turns to K) What the hell have you done?
K (laughing):  Bong, this is Symphy.   

Bong:  Where’d it come from?
K:  I finished her yesterday.

Bong:  You built it? 

K (proudly):  Yep.  My finest work yet.
Bong (facepalm): OH, brother.  Is that why you haven’t found intel from our bugs at Small’s yet?

K (twiddling thumbs nervously):  Well, I’m not sure I’d say that.
Bong:  In other words, a deafening yes.  We need to get to Small and Sir Trax.

K:  What we need, Bong, is already happening.  People are learning about rights and anarchy thanks to our work.  Small and Trax are just cogs, nothing more.

Bong:  That might be, but I’ve got a personal vendetta against those cogs.  Knowledge will spread, but I’ve got a score to settle as well with those two.

K:  Yeah, I get it.  That’s fine.  Just be patient and I’ll find something we can use against them.    
Bong:  And in the meantime, you’re building robots in your spare time.

K:  She’s actually a primitive form of AI, not a robot.
Bong:  Well, she’s not going on any missions with me.

K:  Who said she was? I wouldn’t risk her to save your arrogant ass, anyway.    
Bong:  How comforting.  So what about this raid.

K:  Kushy Budz dispensary is in L.A.  It’s a joint raid between DEA and LAPD happening in five days.    
Bong:  How many agents?

K:  At least 30.
Bong:  Maybe I could use your robot’s help.

K:  Not a chance.  I can get that number down, though.    
Bong:  How’s that?

K:  I’m gonna cancel the raid in the LAPD computer system.    
Bong:  Why don’t you just do that to the DEA and be done with it?

K:  Cuz we need more video of your daring heroics to finance our operation.    

Bong:  And how much did your robot cost?
K (eyes shifting):  Let’s stay on task, Bong.    

Bong:  I’m gonna need lots of toys for this one.
K:  I’ll have your car waiting for you in LA.  It’ll have everything you need in it. 

Bong (skeptically):  Such as?
K:  A 3D printer.

Bong (gruffly):  You spent all the money on your little pet robot, didn’t you?
K:  Well, not everything.  She’ll come in handy, don’t you worry.  You’ll see!

Bong:  What, scrubbing your toilets?
K:  Good luck, Bong.  We’ll be in touch.

Bong (walking out):  Don’t remind me.

Scene 2

The next day, Bong walks into the colorful Kushy Budz.  He wanders around and admires the plethora of artful products on display.  He then approaches a chubby, pleasant-looking, narrow eyed, thickly bearded clerk.

Bong:  Groovy place you’ve got here.
Clerk (raising eyebrow):  Groovy? Um, can I help you with something?

Bong:  I’m here to help, actually.  What’s your name?
Clerk:  I’m Bush, and you are?

Bong:  Bong, James Bong.

Clerk:  Nice name.
Bong:  Are you really named Bush?

Bush:  Yep.
Bong:  Your parents were…

Bush:  Cruel.    
Bong (pointing to another worker): If that guy’s name is Clinton or Whacker, I’ll have no choice but to leave.

Bush:  Anyway, you said you’re here to help?
Bong:  You’re going to be raided by the feds in 4 days.

Bush (skeptical):  And how do you know that?
Bong:  I’m not sure you’d believe me if I’d explain it to you.

Bush (calling to co-worker):  Hey, Pigeon! Get over here! 

Pigeon:  I’m busy, Bush.  Whatsup?
Bush:  This guy says we’re gonna be raided in a few days.

Pigeon looks at Bong a moment.

Pigeon:  Hey, wait a minute! I’ve seen you before!   
Bush:  You have?

Pigeon:  Yeah, this is that guy from those Dtube videos I was tellin you about.  It’s James Bong!
Bush (squinting at Bong):  Great balls of fire, you’re right!

Bong (confused):  I told you my name up front, and who says great balls of fire?
Bush:  Wait, so it’s true? We’re gonna be raided! Holy turkey meatball pasta!

Bong:  Are you ok?
Pigeon:  He’s fine, he does this a lot.    

Bong:  Ridiculous exclamations?
Pigeon:  That’s his specialty.  So what are you thinking about this raid?

Bong:  Let’s sit and have a chat and we’ll go over our options.
Pigeon:  Sure thing.  And I’ll tell ya what, we’ll smoke this in your honor (holds out a huge bongload)   

Bong:  Actually, I don’t smoke.
Pigeon and Bush look at each other in disbelief.

Bush:  Were your parents major potheads or something? How did you get the name Bong, anyway?
Bong:  I don’t remember my parents.  Anyway, my name isn’t important.  We’ve got to get busy if we want to foil this raid.

Scene 3

Bong is having a drink at a low key bar called “The Speedy Turtle”

K:  Bong!

Bong looks wearily at his new smartwatch

Bong:  I’ve had a long day.  Make it quick, K.
K:  You’re not gonna believe what I found. 

Bong:  A girlfriend?

K:  Even better! I got the crew manifest for the raid and did a little digging.  There’s someone with very interesting connections to General Small and Sir Hugo Trax.  A guy named Ty Prince.    

Bong:  You’re joking.
K:  Why is that?

Bong:  We were in the same training class together.
K:  I didn’t see that in his profile.

Bong:  That’s because he failed the program.
K:  I didn’t know it was possible to fail the program.

Bong:  Very funny.  So what has Ty been up to?

K:  I don’t think we can get into all the details on a call like this.  What I can tell you right now that is pertinent to your situation is that he works for a CIA front called Cargo Solutions.

Bong (grimacing):  Damn nondescript, unimaginative naming bastards.  Sorry, go ahead.   

K:  I couldn’t agree more.  Anyway, Cargo Solutions runs tons of drugs.  They got in trouble with some local officials in Mexico and Columbia a few years back.    

Bong:  You mean they didn’t pay off the right people.

K:  That sounds about right, but who knows.  Anyway, the whole thing blew up in their faces.  Some DEA guys that aren’t on the CIA dole tried to make a case against them.

Bong:  Stop right there.  Lemme guess, the naive DEA guys wound up having heart attacks.
K:  How’d you know?

Bong:  Standard procedure.  So what’s Prince got to do with all this?

K:  He’s the head of their personnel department.  Look, I think that’s enough info for now.  The rest is really sensitive and should be discussed in person.  I just thought you’d like to know before your big fireworks show.

Bong:  I hate to say it, K, but you did good.
K:  Actually, Symphy was a huge help.  I couldn’t have done it without her.

Bong (sarcastically):  3 cheers for AI.  Anything else, K?
K:  Yeah, bring me back a souvenir from Kushy Budz.

Bong (rolling eyes):  Goodbye, K.    

End Part 1 

Top image is from pixabay

Thanks for your time and attention!

Stay tuned for the conclusion of episode 4 coming soon!