Adventures In Evil Zombieland 2038 - Episode 5

Our anarchist hero gets an uplifting surprise and a new hope in Evil Zombieland.

“I’ve got quite the surprise for you,” my girlfriend says with a sly grin.    

My mind quickly analyzes.  This could be really awesome, or super-horrific.  My girl is hard to read sometimes.  I take a deep breath, “Oh boy, I love surprises.”

She puts an iron grip on my shoulder, “We’re going to the black market!”

Cue me getting dizzy.  Dizzy with pleasure, that is.  “What? How did you manage that? Is this one of your cruel and unusual practical jokes?”

I can tell just from her smile that she’s serious and possibly more excited than I am.

A little background.

So here in Evil Zombieland, in 2038, there are lots of illegal things that you fine folks from 20 years back might take for granted.  For example, getting anything fixed is forbidden.  I’ll pause for that to soak into your skull…….

So imagine, when anything breaks and goes haywire, ya gotta buy a new one.  You might be wondering why that psychopathic group of control freaks calling themselves government would implement such a ridiculous law.  And I answer with a question.  When does government ever do anything that makes sense?

Ok, so short story long, we’re going to the black market, which is basically like hitting a zillion to one lotto ticket.  Why?   

Because you either pay a very dear price, or you know someone.  Ya see, to have a market of any size and to keep it quiet is no small task.  First of all, you need a sizeable venue, and since any public spaces are obviously out of the question, then a pretty wealthy person has to host it.  That’s not the pricey part, though.    

Everyone that goes has to disable their government mandated drone that follows them around 24/7.    

Cue price gouging from some tech-savvy bloke who’s out to make a quick bucket of bucks.    

Ok, way too much backstory.  So how did my girl pull this off?

“If I told you, it would make your head spin,” she says.
“That’s not comforting.”

“A friend of a friend, blah, blah. Our ride is gonna be here soon, so let’s step out.”

So now we’re waiting on a busy corner under a freshly chemtrailed sky.  Our drones are still with us.  I want to ask when they’re going to take a nosedive, but I figure it’s better to keep my mouth shut.  Don’t want that flying circuit board to get suspicious or anything.

With a fixed gaze in the distance, my girl happily announces, “Oh, here it comes! That’s our ride!”

“Where? What?” 

“That limo.”

I bite my tongue.  No questions.  My curious face speaks volumes.  She gives me a sideways glance, “I told you not to ask.”
We both bust up laughing.    

So now we’re crammed in an autonomous limo with other black marketeers.  I know, I know, I should say free market, cuz that’s actually what it is.  The Agora would be another way to say it.  Tax free and, if you prefer, anonymous.  You have to admit, though, that black market has a certain ring to it.   

We’re zipping around curves through a thick tree-lined landscape.  “I haven’t been this far outside the city in forever! You mean people actually still live out here?” Which brings me to an irresistible question.  Who the heck is hosting this? After all, it is a very risky endeavor.  If you get caught hosting one of these shindigs, you could spend the rest of your life in a cage.    

We pull up to a tall black gate at the bottom of a luscious green hill.  The limo tells us that this is the end of the line.  An awkward looking, rail thin, buck-toothed character approaches us.  This must be the price gouging techie.  All that money and he can’t get his teeth fixed? Again, I’ll bite my tongue.    

He leads us to a handsome looking 3-story house.  All the while, he’s tapping furiously on a tablet.  Suddenly, all our drones slowly and with perfect precision fly in unison and land softly on, well, a giant pile of drones.    

An eccentric looking young dude greets us at the stone archway front entrance.  With cheer in his voice, “Welcome! You guys are the last group.  Come on in! The party’s just getting started!”

Without thinking I ask, “This is your place?”
“Yep.”

“How can you afford it?”
He gives a mischievous grin, “I work for the government.”

I freeze and my eyeballs feel like they’re gonna pop out.
“Just kidding.”

Everyone chuckles at my expense.    

High double doors part and we glide into a huge room where a palpable buzz hits us.  It reminds me of one of those Turkish bazaars they used to have in the old days.  We get lost in the mix.  Our host disappears.

A jolly-looking, squat, puffy-eyed old man steps into my face, “Hey, haven’t seen you two here before.”
“Nope.  We’re new.”
“What brings you here?” 

“A desire for extortion-free commerce.  You?”

The old man gives a sly grin, “Oh, I come to all these things.  I raise support for the cause.”
“The cause?”

He looks me dead in the eye, “Yep.  This damn government is out of control.”

Amused, I ask, “And what do you plan to do about it?”
He looks me up and down, “We’re gonna overthrow the bastards.”

This guy is a crude mix of misguided, scary, and entertaining.  “And what happens after they’re valiantly overthrown? A new clique of psychopaths takes the reigns of fallacious authority? Then we’ll have new masters robbing us?”

His face freezes.  I can tell this angle had never occurred to him before.  His heart was in the right place, but his mind was still under the false belief in authority. Typical statist.

A young lady wearing rainbow leather joins us, “This old man telling you about ‘the cause’? I’ve come to rescue you.”

We chuckle and she leads us away.  The old man stammers off to contemplate his mind being blown.    

Rainbow asks, “You two been to the services area yet?”
“Nope.  We just got here.”

We follow her through a human maze of wheeling and dealing.  We notice some extravagant art on the wall.  My girl exclaims, “Wow! Is that non-digital art?”

Rainbow beams, “Yep.  So much better than digital, right?”
We turn a corner and suddenly are in a huge garden area.  “What are you two looking for?”

“Just kind of looking around.  We don’t have much money.”
She looks at me like I’m from the planet Schitzoid.  “You have skills, right?”

“More than I know know what to do with.”   
My girl elbows me and rolls her eyes.    

Rainbow continues, “Well, skills are all the currency you need here! Of course, you can always use encrypted Yudollrubpounds, or dark web cryptos, but skills are all you really need.  See that guy over there?”

“The one with the thinnest eyebrows I’ve ever seen?” 

“Yep.  All he does is fix smart fridges.”
“By fix you mean.”

“Double meaning.  He can literally fix it if it’s not working, but most people do the other kind of fix.  Meaning, no more big brother watching what you’re eating.  A big step towards food freedom.”

My girl and I both shutter with bliss. “What about the personal drone? Doesn’t it see what happens and report it to the psychopathic technocrat controllers?”

Rainbow’s face twists with pleasure, “No, silly.  That’s part of the package.  He gives the drone some blind spots, let’s say. Speaking of food, there’s the organic guy.”

“Organic guy?” my girl and I say in unison.
“Yeah, he delivers organic produce.”

“When you say organic, you mean real produce.  Non-GMO, chemical-free, won’t give me cancer food?”
“Yep.”

“But how does he?”

She cuts me off, “I have no idea.  And it’s not cheap, but damn is it worth it! And speaking of cancer.  That lady over there cured my so-called inoperable brain cancer."

Stunned, I say, "Wow, that's amazing.  I can't believe you had cancer.  You're so young and look so."

My girlfriend cuts me off with another elbow to the ribs and says, “So basically, anything that’s been banned by the thug army parasite government, can be found here?”

“Anything that people want.  If there’s a market for it, it will be produced.  People always find a way.”

Her face brightens up even more, “Oh, and then there’s the freedom of speech guy. Or, one of them, rather.  You know how you get fined by your stupid drone if you say words like ‘freedom’ or ‘liberty’? Well, that guy makes drones not hear those words.”

My heart jumps, “Wow! I need that guy! That’s what I need!”

My mind starts racing.  This whole entire world exists, and I was clueless about it.  Well, I knew the free market existed, but I didn’t know the grand extent until I experienced it myself.    

Rainbow continues, “So my suggestion to you is, make contacts while you’re here.  Networking is key.  If you get enough contacts, then you don’t even really need to come to these things anymore.  I do, because they’re fun, and newbies always show up, but most business happens on a daily basis, peer-to-peer. I gotta run.  Have fun!”

So now we’ve been here for a couple hours, which felt like five minutes.  We’ve made lots of contacts and I have a new hope for the future.

And then a giant blaring siren ended my newfound excitement with a crushing thud.    

“What’s that?” my girl inquires nervously.
A lanky dude next to us yells, “A shitstorm!  We gotta get out now! The police are on the way.  We’re getting busted!”

I lament with ferocity, “Damn violent authoritarian parasite thugs! Ahhhhhhhhh! Just my luck, damnit!”

Chaos ensues.  Hundreds of people scatter.  My girl and I flee on foot.    

An hour later and we’re still hiking down the highway hoping not to be seen.  Then a state thug cuts us off in his extortion-mobile.

The chubby badge-wielding weasel points his gun at us, “What are you two doing out here?”
“Trying to be free.”

“What my boyfriend means is that we’re lost.”
The thug in blue rolls his eyes, “You’re outside city limits.  Do you have a pass?”

“You mean a document that we’re violently forced to pay an exorbitant fee to obtain? A giant obstruction to liberty? A slap in the face to a free human's natural right to travel?”

Mind-controlled mercenary starts frothing at the mouth and slams me to the turf, “I’ll take that as a no.  You’re both going to jail.”

I manage to mutter, despite my face being pushed in to the turf, “You mean a cage.”

Then the cop drops and nearly crushes my skull with his fall.

I glance at my girl.  Her face is in shock.  A man in black is leaning next to a limo.  We gawk at him with confused wonder.  He says, “Keep staring and I might do a trick.”

I brush myself off.  “What?”
“Just get in the car.”

We rush into the limo.  “What just happened?”
“I put that guy to sleep so you don’t get thrown in a cage. You’re welcome.”

“How? Is he gonna be ok?”
“Dart gun.  Sleepy sleepy time.  He’ll be fine.  Might have a headache tomorrow.”

“Why did you help us?”
“Because I don't like bullies.” 

 My heart leaps for joy.  Wow, even as bad as things are in Evil Zombieland, there’s still hope.  There’s still resistance.  There are people, although few and far between, who have knowledge of what liberty is, and the care and will to act on it. 

Stay tuned for episode 6!

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

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