ghost thoughts
It's nearly 3am. I am conflicted. I am unsure what to do about some things. I am typing this because perhaps someone can relate to the notion of typing words at 3am to stop yourself from crying or just generally falling apart.||
It is the way of my family. We hide our sorrows. I remember walking down into the basement when I was a kid, maybe I was 5 or 6. I was very young because I can distinctly remember looking up at my mother from a pretty low distance.
She was all the way in the back of the basement by the outside door and she was facing the wall, crying. My mother. Mama. My hero, my rock.. crying. She was human. That's the first time I can remember thinking that she was a human being instead of just a mom. I asked her what was wrong and she turned around, wiped her eyes and said that nothing was wrong.
I've been betrayed a lot in my life. A LOT. And you would think that I'd learn that people are just going to keep disappointing me, wouldn't you? Ahhh.. but one of my greatest weaknesses is that I genuinely trust people. I do. And I bond quickly with people. Like, LIGHTNING fast.
For that reason, I can't trust myself.
I can't trust myself because I'm too trusting. But, on the other hand, if you can't trust yourself, then who even can you trust? And that's the logic that gets me into trouble.
But, on the other hand.. sometimes you have to trust your instincts. Humans are probably the only animals on the planet who will second guess their first instincts to run from a predator. If a bird hears a scary sound, what does she do? She flies. If a person hears a scary sound, what does she do? She texts her sister to ponder over the scary sound she just heard in her bedroom closet.
Then boom. Murdered while texting. I use it as an example but I'm sure it's happened. I mean think about it.
You showing trust in people is a lesson for them to learn. Perhaps the person felt that way because they were already down and needed someone to "dump" the blame on. Which is not always ok. People need to find the root of their problems and not just be ok with feeding their garbage on to people. You are an amazing being. Never forget that.
And just think, you are still my puppeteer. The master of puppets :p
Trusting people is not a weakness; it's what makes you special and everybody should take a lesson from you in that respect. The fact that this trust is being taken advantage of by unscrupulous people (happens to me all the time to), doesn't diminish that in the slightest. We should be able to trust each other more and you're a shining example of that fact. Just look at how much good you do in Helpie, for example. Please, don't underestimate the positive effect on peoples attitudes and moods your ever smiling presence has... Your "blind trust" makes this world a better place, and the people who can't see that, or can see that and take advantage of that, wel that's their loss! ;-)
If you hear that sound in the closet... run! I'd hate to lose you ;-) <3
I remember my mother crying by the window... she would also cry alone no to disturb me, whenever I asked... what is wrong, Mum? She would just say, go to bed, Pris. I have a toothache. A tooth ache that went for years until I grew conscious that she was bearing too much. And kind of everyone knew but she always composed herself. My mum I must say is like the naivest most innocent person I know. She did not deserve a tear, none.
I found myself crying alone too, too many times, just not to "bother" others and maybe inherited from my mother. She was and is, like I am quiet.
I happen not to be a bird but a ratty maybe... and same... it is my instinct to hide and protect myself... but it is not out of cowardice but guarding. I happen to share the same "flaw" if you call it flaw... I'm too open, too trusting... and been hurt sometimes...
but I chose not to "shield", don't let that make you bitter about what people can also offer... So we have to face thing with no shield to protect from "harm" but not good from coming. It's quite a quandary, quite a challenge... it takes courage.
I'm honoured to call you a friend.
You have a gentle heart and I love you!
I wake up with my head filled with words and hurt and loneliness and longing almost every night. And when I put my hands on the keys, nothing comes out. I know what these things feel like. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in myself. Betrayal is foul. Especially when it comes from someone you trust, when it comes from someone you call friend, and when you already feel as if your life is hanging by a single thread.
I am always your friend, first and foremost. You will never be alone because of that, and together, we can fight betrayal and sadness by combining the strength we have. You lift me up constantly, and I am here to hopefully do the same for you. Always.
HUGS, Dino. You lift me up all the time. . I'm so happy we are friends. ♥
Hello paintingangels!
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Snoop Dogg smokes 81 blunts a day.
that is a lot