I needed to write something light to offset the other stuff I'm working on. What better than to have a little self-deprecating humor? Seriously though... These are 10 things that you may never have wanted to know about me.

Hey @phoenixmaid! Was this the hairkini you were referring to??? ROFL
Courtesy of FaceInHole.com

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Now, I know you love me and have me high on a pretty pedestal...you know, because I'm all that.

Get over yourself, Meredith!

So I figured I needed to take myself down a notch or two.

10. I was a funeral singer

Yup. It was my job to make people cry. Isn't that wonderful?

Oh my gosh, I'm such a bitch!


It's true. I studied at Westminster Choir College with high hopes to be an opera singer but instead chose to marry an asshole and breed children. My education didn't go completely to waste though. I've sung (in the choir) with major orchestras and conductors. And while I never shared the big stage, I have done my fair share of solo work.

9. I self-published an erotica

It's total smut.
I couldn't just write something nice and sweet, now could I? Noooo... It's basically porn with a somewhat decent story line.

I haven't decided if I'm going to publish it on Steemit in hot and heavy bite-sized pieces yet...you know...being on that wonderfully high pedestal and all. What would all my sweet followers think?!

Fer Realz!

Wait... Do I have any sweet followers? LOL

8. I am not that adventerous.

Hmm... I used to be a little adventurous but my husband and I have been together for almost 13 years and we'll be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in July. He has never read my book...but he tends to run away when I say I need to do some... umm... research.

"Honey, why are you huddled in a fetal position in the far corner of the dark closet?"

7. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Here I am in my mid-40s and I'm clueless about my life direction. I've retired my vocal cords (maybe). I've published my book (You call that filth a book? I can't believe you kiss your husband with that imagination.)

My kids survived me (BONUS!).

Well, I suppose I could call myself an author and lay around eating bon-bons while a pretty cabana boy massages my...ah...feet -- yeah, my feet.
See? I think I'm regressing into the childhood that never was. #AdultingBadly

6. FUCK is my favorite word.

Yeah, that video pretty much sums it up.
While I don't use it all the time - "Why you mother****fucker!**" is a term of endearment that my husband and I share.

5. I have 2 toenails on each pinky toe.

So... I either should have been born with 12 toes or I simply wasn't quite ripened enough during incubation phase.

I'm a super freak, super freak, I'm super freakeeee, yeah!

4. Speaking of toes

All of my small toes are the same size within a millimeter.
My husband pointed this out to me a few years ago. I told him to fuck off. No, they're not!
He proceeded to measure them for me. Hmm. Maybe that's why I tip over all the time?

My love of whiskey has nothing to do with it, y'all!

3. I'm really an alien in a human's body

Fine! The header is a little misleading. It should read "I really feel like an alien in a human's body".

I wasn't assessed with Asperger's until I was in my mid-30s so my entire youth was spent coping with a world that went by too fast, in facial expressions and body language that I didn't understand until I studied human behavior and figured out how to fit in with the human race.

I've never considered it a disability. Actually, I think it's a blessing because if I wasn't on the autism scale, I'd be fucking perfect!

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2. And since I'm in an alien body, I have to admit that I really hate to poo.

I'm serious! I hate pooping.

I will cramp up and nearly shit myself before I go to the bathroom. Public restrooms? Oh hellz no.

The worst was going camping and the only amenity was an outhouse. You wanna talk about a special kind of hell?

But I digress. I'm at a point when I can say "When you gotta go, you gotta go." At least I'm better off than my husband. He can't seem to take a step without farting. I think his innards are starting to rot.

1. My name is Meredith

You might be saying, DUH! We know that already!

Yeah, well what you didn't know is that I have a Korean mother and all my Korean relatives.

Did you know there is no "R" or "TH" sound in the Korean language?

So literally HALF my family cannot say my name.

I've been called Meh-reh-dith or Meh-deh-deh - or asshole - or fartknocker... Don't ask me what the last one means. My husband is just as juvenile as I am.

Anyways.... Thanks Mom and Dad!

• All animated gifs came from giphy.com

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