Why is taking care of myself the last actionable item on my list?

As I sit in the middle of my own drama and try to extricate myself, several thoughts come to mind. One is the observance of boundaries. Clearly articulated boundaries that are respected are the key to any successful relationship. My current experience is the rampant and purposeful destruction of boundaries in every accessible area of my life.

I am whittling the list.

Soon access will be denied to the most prominent places where contact is being made. I haven't enforced these boundaries before because I don't want to hurt bystanders. Like kids in a divorce, they are going to respond and pick sides. Obviously, I want to retain my positive relationships, but not at the expense of my health.

That's what this has become: an individual hurt by their own stories trying to rip me apart so they can feel big and strong. But I don't feel small. I feel angry at this point because why drag this on for so long? It's not even about saving our friendship. It's about maximum damage. These are toddler tactics. It is so confusing.

I was reminded that narcissists try to confuse their victims so they will wonder whether they are doing the right thing. I have been reticent to protect myself by blocking contact because I don't want to hurt others. Which, I am realizing, is an idea they have pushed on me for awhile.

It has to end.

Will they make a scene, try to harm me, cultivate unhealthy relationships by encouraging others' distrust of me? Absolutely. The last item in my inbox is a great indicator of that. I was "forgiven" for upholding the standard they begged me to uphold as though in doing so I had established it. Yep, the tactic employed was gaslighting.

Nobody puts @honeyscribe in a corner.

I can't be afraid of lies. My life has been a wreck of anxiety. I am clinging to whatever positives I can pull out of a hat. One of those is writing it out. The line was drawn, redrawn and on and on. Now, despite that it will hurt this person that is hurting me and that makes me extremely sad, I am going to have to enforce it.

I am taking better care of me.

xoxo,

@honeyscribe

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