Chronicles of Alan:- Or Wit and Wisdom of the Ages (meaning I’m Old, or ramblings of a retiree)

I am currently Staying in my old house in Breaunanda,( as the Tenants Moved out early) It was Broken in to 3 times last week, My Ladder Disappeared and some roof sheets for a Veranda I am building in Florida, Last Saturday.

Tuesday as I arrived to work here , I was 10 minutes too late to catch the 2 enterprising Gentlemen leaving out of my front gate with all the taps and copper piping out of the roof , wrapped in my curtains! I immediately went to collect Trixie and Max,( No Trixie is not a Stripper, She and Max are very Good Friends of Mine, totally unsocialised Bull Terriers) a Shotgun, axe and something I can best describe as a device that will break an arm or a leg with a reasonable blow.

I am sleeping on a borrowed stretcher with all these devices next to me. I sleep very lightly ,and at best 4hrs a night.

I briefly went out Thursday , and they managed to lure Trixie and Max to the Front, and close gates on them, Broke another Back Window, and took my Camping Chair , they were busy loosening a basin, and stole my Dogs food bowls ( not Gold plated or Diamond encrusted) Must have startled them, as I found the bowls in a packet round the corner. All valuables and weapons, safely locked away .

After the Big accident I had when I was 33 went back to Church, became a Sunday School Teacher ,and in General a Good Guy. Meet lots of people who tell me that love and kindness will get through to anyone (and in a lot of cases this works).

Unfortunately I have, in my life associated with the Dregs of Society, and have met some people that see kindness as a weakness, and only understand a lot of pain.

In South Africa we have the World’s Stupidest Criminals, they enter people’s property, steal Electronic items , TV’s etc ( knowing full well they are insured and can come back to steal the same or better in 3 months)Then they Murder the People, thus reducing the size of their “ Fishing Pond”.

I hear, “shame , they are probably Drug Addicts”. Well I did not give them drugs, my theory, a person with 2 broken arms can neither pop pills into their mouths or operate a hypodermic, therefore well on the way to a cure!

In my life I have been hit by shrapnel from a homemade bomb, shot at and stabbed or should I say, slashed on the arm with a knife.

Angie ( named from the Rolling Stones song), Gordon B’s daughter( from My Rockstar Series) was a Waitress at the Randburg Waterfront, a huge Bouncer came up to her and slapped her on her rump. Angie say’s “ I’ll tell my Dad” response was laughter” What’s he going to do about it?’ I will tell you the result first before I tell you why. From that night on A bouncer would walk Miss B to her car and When Angie returned the next evening one would be waiting to escort her in and carry anything that needed it. The Gentleman in charge of these Guy’s was a very scary individual and Gordon had done him a solid, years before. Let’s call him A.

Gordon’s other Daughter Jennifer was involved in a terrible car accident. A drunk driver had skipped a red light at high speed and written off Jennifer’s car putting both himself and Jennifer in ICU. Gordon mentioned this to A and someone obviously tipped off the perpetrator, because from his Hospital Bed, (Probably not feeling like any more pain) , he left the country.

I remember going to a New Club in Joubert Park , near the Military Headquarters, they had this Hungarian Bouncer, had just got to SA , English was pretty poor, The Police Raided, in plain clothes, he took them apart until the Gun’s came out, and somebody explained to him that they were not Gatecrasher’s but the Police, then “Hail Fellow, Well Met!”

I forget his name, he actually dated a girl I knew, lets call him B.

I later met B at the Club 505 in Hillbrow, He was actually a very Good Looking fellow with a shock of Black Hair and a Neatly trimmed beard. He could not fit through a normal door frame without turning sideways ( Shoulder width ) and ducking his head.

There was a Middleweight Boxer in SA at the time, Charlie Weir aka “The Silver Assassin” due to the forelock of silver hair. One of Charlie’s Sparring Partners came to the club with a friend, who’s Birthday it was, this Friend got a bit Rowdy ,and B walked over to remonstrate , the Boxer explained , and promised to keep his friend’s behaviour in check .

A short while later he got noisy again, the Boxer grabbed his mate and headed for the door. B blocked their way and said he was going to teach them a lesson. The Boxer, suggested he get out of their way or he would knock him out of the way. This resulted in Loud Guffaws from B and his hangers on. B took a swing ,before it even got close I counted 3 punches from our maybe 160lb friend and B was lights out before he hit the floor. I have trained in Karate and done a bit of Boxing ( see my Army Days).I had a very Good Friend Julius S who was about a 6th Dan in Judo(Ran his own School-Dojo) and had done quite a bit of Kung Fu & Karate and ,(I quote him) “ Don’t look for trouble with an experienced Boxer”

I have learnt quite a few other useful things:-

Don’t put woodscrews into an electrical outlet,

Don’t jump off a roof wearing a Superman Cape,

Don’t leave your kids in a car with no handbrake,

Don’t take a knife to a Gunfight (I had the Gun),

Don’t check for Sour Milk by drinking it.

When you have just got married and go to a movie, your wife tells you the orange juice you bought is off, Don’t tell her she is full of nonsense and drink both! (It is 45 years later and I still don’t drink Orange Juice).

Don’t lie under a car with no trestle ( especially if its a bumper jack).

Don’t put your hand under a Motor to recover a tool, when the hoist is being operated by a Guy named Louis!

Don’t run out of Oxygen in a cave 80 feet down underwater.

Don’t do a “ Bellyflop” from a 20ft Diving Board .

Don’t believe a stranger who tells you which side of the pool is the deep side before doing a somersault off the edge!

Don’t test your Teenage Son’s home Built Motorcycle before checking to see that he has connected the brakes!

Don’t let your Fiance learn to drive your car on a Mountain pass in Heavy Fog!

Don’t have an altercation with someone on the road ( They might later turn out to be your Karate Instructor!)

Don’t trust fellows who need access to your property , and leave them alone , they might have political ambitions and everyone knows you need a Criminal Record to achieve this!

When you find something you really like at a Restaurant, never try anything else on their Menu ( this avoids disappointment) .

When someone says their Dog is vicious do not try to disprove this.

Do not check to see if a gun is loaded by pulling the trigger!

When a Singer says the Microphone is shocking him, why would you make sure he is correct?

When you are in or about to be an accident position always look at the gap, what you are looking at, is where you will go!

When you see a Road Sign that says Dangerous Bends Ahead or something of that ilk, speed up , you want to be in danger for as little time as possible!

by @awgbibb