HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE: DIARY OF A SITH EPISODE VI - DOWNTIME (featuring @lordvader as author)

I need to find a new way to relax.

The quest to stop these rebel is far more grueling than I could have ever imagined. I am under constant stress. The fact that my underlings are complete morons who could not hit water if they fell out of a boat (which they have done on Naboo... repeatedly) certainly does not help. On top of all this, my boss has limited the number of drill rods I can force choke. Force choking twits who screw up has always been my favorite pasttime. It's amazing how the weight of the world is just lifted off of your shoulders as the twitching fool takes his final breath. Pure release (and it's the only release I know anymore). Someday I will throw that old bag of bones down a shaft or something... but until that day, I need to find a way to relax.

My assistant Vera, she is simply a doll, suggested a delightful book series about a very special little boy. Technically the book is for young adults, but I just can't resist. I have consumed the series like lava consumes a pair of legs... and an arm... and part of a face. I am finally on the last book.

I'm not sure if you have heard of these Harry Potter novels (strange name for the books). In them, a boy is orphaned at a very young age. He leads a very difficult life and no-one understands him. Those around him feel he is weird and perhaps even dangerous. I really connected with the character because I too felt alone as a boy and eventually I too became an orphan. Just like me, this special little boy goes away to study a magical force. He excels at his studies and becomes very powerful. At times, it reads like my autobiography. Does this Rowling lady know me? Anyway, the boy's name is Tom Riddle and he is simply a delight.

Not only do I connect with the books at a deep emotional level, they are also exciting and very funny. The story of him growing up is an absolute hoot! I could not stop laughing as I read about how he slaughtered his own father and grandparents. It was just too funny. His father was mean to his mother so BAM... killing curse! It's not as good as a force choke but still pretty cool. I can really relate to that need to slaughter those who hurt your mother. He only took out three of them... but it's just a book. I'm sure in real life he would have taken out a whole village of Sand People.. I mean muggles.

I nearly died laughing (And I mean that seriously. I'm not supposed to laugh in this helmet. The respirator isn't built for it) when he caused this freakshow to get thrown out of their school. He was some kind of half -man, half-giant monstrosity so he clearly had it coming. They even took away the oaf's wand... and forced him to embarrass himself every day by carrying a pink umbrella. You see, that's how you do it. If someone is different from you and they aren't your species, they are obviously inferior and don't deserve an education. Man this kid is good!

There are so many hilarious passages about him wasting nimrods. I could read them all day. But eventually he has to grow up. When he does, he changes his name... just like me! "Tom Riddle" is too weak (not as bad as "Annie" mind you but still pretty bad) so he changes it to "Voldemort". Just saying the name puts me in a great mood. If that guy from Field of Dreams and Lion King would say that name, I swear I might swoon. But he's not done. Then he convinces people not to even say it. And you know what people want to do when you tell them they can't? They want to do it even more! (Kind of how I want to force choke people even more now that "Mr. Bandaid Skin" says I have to cut back).

Our hero has a pretty simple goal: Live forever and control all of the wizards. And if the wizards won't join him, he kills them. Yep sounds familiar. I swear it's like she wrote this just for me!

There is a pretty sad part where he disappears for a while, but then he comes back 11 years later without a body. Hello?! You know who else didn't have a body for a while? Let me try in joke form. Who has got two robotic thumbs and needed to be put back together like Frankenstein?

This guy!

I thought my story of being strapped to a table and being turned into more machine than man was cool... until I read about this guy. He drank unicorn blood in order to come back. That is hilarious. Could you imagine some cute little girl walking by and seeing that. "Oh look Mommy, a cutie, cutie unicorn!" Yeah that's having it's blood sucked out by our hero. Simply brilliant! One of the funniest things I have ever read.

I don't want to ruin too much, but let me just say he's got a huge indestructible snake and a ton of really cool followers... who can actually hit stuff with their wands ( I am sooooo jealous). But I nearly overfilled my catheter bag when he puled my absolute favorite move. He cut off someone's hand. Just too perfect. Nothing beats a good hand removal or two. Vera is so smart for turning me on to these.

I'm just starting the last one, so please no spoilers! I can't wait to see how the hero Voldemort wastes this whiny little teenage nitwit.

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