No Must Have

The one I know. I never liked this place. The place where my feet are at the moment. Somehow the bad impression always crossed my mind when I heard the word. But what is my day? Now I have to stand here, in a place I really hate. Hospitals, yes sometimes just by hearing his name alone my body shudder horrified. The place that always covered with the smell of drugs and busy passing by the nurses always managed to make my heart covered in fog. Now the fog was so thick that it made me unable to see. But what can I do? want to refuse even I'm powerless. Which I believe may be the way.

You know how hard my footsteps go through the shoe hall corridor. The corridor that will take me to the room where you are today. The place where your mother said you were waiting for me. Accompanied by your mother and the teacher of my class, I tried to force my reluctant legs to move forward. Cold. It feels like my fingers are frozen. Just by thinking about how you feel my body is stiff. All I know from your mother's story is that your condition is far from good. There has been no significant development of your situation since the accident. Though your mother did not tell me, but the hue of grief and anxiety was clearly painted on her face. I feel that in a few days your mother is getting older. The wrinkles that scratched his face seemed to tell him his inner burden, plus the black and swollen circles under his eyes made him look much older than he should have been.

Honestly, this is the first time I've seen the figure of the woman you love so much like this. And I know that your mother is a strong woman with a soft heart. The proof is that your mother can live and raise you alone without your father since you were in fourth grade at your first madrasah ibtidaiyah. You should know, if it were not for your mother's persuasion and expectant gaze you probably will not see me in this place now. Still recorded clearly in my memory when last Tuesday, where Bu Iva my teacher BK standing in the doorway of my classroom. At that time I was not sure when the clock, but as I recall the day is still early even second-hour lessons just started. Mrs. Iva said hello and walked to the teacher's desk. I can not hear clearly what Bu Iva said to my Bahasa Indonesia teacher, it's just that I saw Mrs. Risma, my Bahasa Indonesia teacher nodding in agreement. Bu Iva took a few steps and started watching us one by one. It was not until after a while Mrs. Iva said, "Lu'lu'ul, can go mother to BK room for a while."

A short sentence indeed, but enough to make my heart beat. Suddenly after hearing that sentence all eyes immediately looked at me as if looking for answers from my facial expression. I know they must be wondering what happened to me, what is it until the BK teacher calls me. Let alone they too have a big question mark that is dancing in my brain asking the same thing. I left the chair. I stepped my foot toward the door. I was silent thinking about what mistakes I made to make me have to deal with my school's BK teacher. I turn my memory again, as I recall I did not make a fatal mistake. What if I do not realize there is a word or action that makes the heart of the teacher here offended? I do not know for sure.

Not yet finished my surprise was called Bu Iva facing the room BK, I was greeted with a view that made my heart back jerked. Yes, my class at the top gave me the freedom to look down the page. I saw your mother sitting in one of the chairs in the corner of BK's room. My memory flashed back when yesterday my friends were warmly talking about you. Talk about the accident that happened to you on Sunday. I do not know exactly how it happened. I know the accident involved you with a blue sedan.

Yesterday I was so shocked that I myself was confused what to say. I just kept quiet while feeling there was a sprinkling of water in my eyes ready to spill at that time. Severe. As soon as my friends describe your situation. I do not know what a bad definition my friends meant. Is the state weak with blood, I do not understand. But in my mind it must be the hospital that will meet you. "Come on boy, do not dwell on." Bu Iva's voice broke my thoughts. I started down the stairs one by one with an uncertain feeling. Until I arrived at the door, the room that now feels so scary to me.

I'm so reluctant to go in there. But how else, I stood in front of the door. I finally follow Mrs. Iva into the room. My heart trembled as my eyes caught sight of your mother's eyes. Eyes that usually look at you warm now turn sad. From what I saw your mother looked very depressed. The look of his normally cheerful face now seemed to hesitate. Your mother looked at me for a long time, as if she was looking for something. Your mother smiled at me, a smile that I felt so forced. I'm confused what to do, I finally decided to reply with a perfunctory smile.

Mrs. Iva invited me to sit beside your mother. With a little hesitation I sat there. Silence. No words were spoken at the time. To the extent that I could clearly hear the beating of my heart and the sound of the clock behind me. I glance at your mother. Your mother looked dreamy and stared into the realm that I could not reach. Maybe your mother is thinking of you. Mrs. Iva shifted her seat, gently looking at me intently. I feel so small in Mrs. Iva's gaze. I'm thinking again it's definitely got something to do with you. The image of you is filled every space in my brain. "Son do you know Affat?" Asked Mrs. Iva a little hesitantly.

It's not, no mistake. All this has to do with you, I can understand that. But what to do with me? this is really confusing. I'm confused and do not understand. Do not you and your mother know about my feelings for you and they are against me. What did I do to you that they were against me? Do not we rarely meet let alone communicate? I feel like I've never bothered you, I never messed with you. Even just for the virtual world let alone in the real world. Then why did Mrs. Iva ask me that question?

I know even though I'm a bit naughty but I'm never weird. In class, my friends know me as a person who keeps my distance with my male friends. Even to sit side by side I admit I did not dare at all. Now that I'm starting to have a different feeling from a woman to a man is it wrong? Did Mrs. Iva as Coordinator of BK Teachers as well as my class teacher BK would blame me for this until summoned your mother? Is it wrong if I have feelings for you does not this taste the nature of God for man? Is not this a natural thing? Those questions ran through my brain.

A short sentence indeed, but enough to make my heart beat. Suddenly after hearing that sentence all eyes immediately looked at me as if looking for answers from my facial expression. I know they must be wondering what happened to me, what is it until the BK teacher calls me. Let alone they too have a big question mark that is dancing in my brain asking the same thing. I left the chair. I stepped my foot toward the door. I was silent thinking about what mistakes I made to make me have to deal with my school's BK teacher. I turn my memory again, as I recall I did not make a fatal mistake. What if I do not realize there is a word or action that makes the heart of the teacher here offended? I do not know for sure.

Not yet finished my surprise was called Bu Iva facing the room BK, I was greeted with a view that made my heart back jerked. Yes, my class at the top gave me the freedom to look down the page. I saw your mother sitting in one of the chairs in the corner of BK's room. My memory flashed back when yesterday my friends were warmly talking about you. Talk about the accident that happened to you on Sunday. I do not know exactly how it happened. I know the accident involved you with a blue sedan.

Yesterday I was so shocked that I myself was confused what to say. I just kept quiet while feeling there was a sprinkling of water in my eyes ready to spill at that time. Severe. As soon as my friends describe your situation. I do not know what a bad definition my friends meant. Is the state weak with blood, I do not understand. But in my mind it must be the hospital that will meet you. "Come on boy, do not dwell on." Bu Iva's voice broke my thoughts. I started down the stairs one by one with an uncertain feeling. Until I arrived at the door, the room that now feels so scary to me.

I'm so reluctant to go in there. But how else, I stood in front of the door. I finally follow Mrs. Iva into the room. My heart trembled as my eyes caught sight of your mother's eyes. Eyes that usually look at you warm now turn sad. From what I saw your mother looked very depressed. The look of his normally cheerful face now seemed to hesitate. Your mother looked at me for a long time, as if she was looking for something. Your mother smiled at me, a smile that I felt so forced. I'm confused what to do, I finally decided to reply with a perfunctory smile.

Mrs. Iva invited me to sit beside your mother. With a little hesitation I sat there. Silence. No words were spoken at the time. To the extent that I could clearly hear the beating of my heart and the sound of the clock behind me. I glance at your mother. Your mother looked dreamy and stared into the realm that I could not reach. Maybe your mother is thinking of you. Mrs. Iva shifted her seat, gently looking at me intently. I feel so small in Mrs. Iva's gaze. I'm thinking again it's definitely got something to do with you. The image of you is filled every space in my brain. "Son do you know Affat?" Asked Mrs. Iva a little hesitantly.

It's not, no mistake. All this has to do with you, I can understand that. But what to do with me? this is really confusing. I'm confused and do not understand. Do not you and your mother know about my feelings for you and they are against me. What did I do to you that they were against me? Do not we rarely meet let alone communicate? I feel like I've never bothered you, I never messed with you. Even just for the virtual world let alone in the real world. Then why did Mrs. Iva ask me that question?

I know even though I'm a bit naughty but I'm never weird. In class, my friends know me as a person who keeps my distance with my male friends. Even to sit side by side I admit I did not dare at all. Now that I'm starting to have a different feeling from a woman to a man is it wrong? Did Mrs. Iva as Coordinator of BK Teachers as well as my class teacher BK would blame me for this until summoned your mother? Is it wrong if I have feelings for you does not this taste the nature of God for man? Is not this a natural thing? Those questions ran through my brain.

"Son do you know Affat?" Asked Mrs. Iva once more.
"Affat, Muhammad Al Fatih you mean Mother?"
"Yes, do you know each other?"
"Yes, we do know each other. We are joining the same organization. "
"Do you know how it is?"
"From what I know the condition is not good." I replied in a low voice.
"It's not good Nak, Affat is now in a coma." Your mother's eyes continue to drip.

Coma? Did I hear right? Slowly but surely, the creek formed from my eyes. I tried to restrain him but my resistance finally collapsed too. Memories about you flashed. My tears are getting swift remembering the splendid periods I've been through with you. Still stored nicely in my brain when we first talked, it has now been several times to meet but just then you start to talk to me. It is undeniable, I like you. Like everything about you. Your habit, your behavior, your smile I love all that. Indeed, when viewed from the physical nothing is really special from you. You look the same as your other friends. Medium and not too tall. Hairstyle bangs that you never comb from the left. From what I noticed you never liked the yellow, you would have avoided all the yellow ornaments.

I like to pay attention to you. Secretly searching for information about your life. Starting from your family and people close to you. Is not I aware that you are close to your classmates? Emm, I think Hanifa is his name. Beautiful girl who is adept at art and sport. It's a contrast to me who often gets unsatisfactory grades on both subjects. Again I remembered why Mrs. Iva called me, I dared to ask questions. "Coma, that's how bad it is. I'm sorry. Sorry Mom, if you can know what the relationship with me called here Mother? "I asked cautiously.

I was shocked suddenly your mother clasped my hand as if it really did not want to release it again. He looked at me like a mother staring at her own daughter. I myself was confused, what is this really? Your mother hugged me, after embracing me for a long time Your mother said, "Hanifa has told her everything Nak, about the unfulfilled feelings of Affat towards the girl who now fulfills her heart space. After Mother asked who her person she told Mother a name, Lu'lu'ul Fauziyah. That's what brought my mother here. You should know Nak, doctors say Affat's condition is too bad. It's so slim for him to recover. "Your mother paused and continued to flood her cheeks.

"The doctor said there might be someone waiting for him, not that I want us to lose it quickly but you do not want him to be tormented by the old pain. Mother asks you not as your friend's mother but asks you as Mother who wants all the best for her son, meet her, because I think this is best for us. "Your mother's face flushed, your mother crying I saw her shoulders shake for sobbing.



Allah Ya Rabb, on the one hand how could I refuse a sincere mother's plea for her son, but on the other side what about the feelings I still want to be with her? Yes Rabb, the doctor's diagnosis may be wrong because I know the only human doctor who is very wrongly wrong. But what if this is the line of your destiny that you have set? O Rabb will you call this Affat so soon for Your presence?

"Why are you so sad like this, doctor is not God because that diagnosis can be wrong."
"Because you know the doctor is not the Lord of the life, so you still hope. Hoping for Affat to go back to this life. But if this is the will of God and has been written in the line of destiny, of course we can not reject it. Aluk, once the doctor's diagnosis is wrong and hopefully it's wrong to see Affat, maybe he needs support. "Your mother assured me, really I did not take my eyes off her eyes.

I'm silent, trying to think realistically and calmly. Yes Rabb give me your guidance to be the right step that I will go. I hit all my ego and feelings. I know this is not the time to be stupid and selfish. If indeed this is the best for all of us then I will live it.
"No matter how you decide Nak, I hope the best step you take." Mrs. Iva advised me.
"If this is the best, then I will try." I took a deep breath to stabilize my heart.

Mrs. Iva nudged my shoulder and returned to my consciousness, I was surprised somehow I was dreamily. Probably since the journey to your Outpatient Room.
"Kiddo immediately take the sterile clothes and immediately go into the ER room, because the capacity of the visitor is limited. I'm sorry you can not keep you inside, we'll wait for you outside." Mrs. Iva explained.

I just obeyed him. After undergoing a series of procedures, I set foot near your room. Despite the heavy and hesitant steps I convinced myself to enter the room. Honestly, it's a room that upsets my heart. I set my heart, even just to hold the doorknob. The handle felt very heavy and frozen, or maybe it was my own hands too cold. I do not really care. Only your condition fills every corner of my mind. I went inside. Stand nailed and paused. Looking at you lying weakly on the mattress.

Really I admit, this is the first time I do not like to see you. Confused. I do not know what to do, just stood staring at you in a white room dominated by blue shades. I take as much air as I can, this chest tightness sees you. Why are you just silent, do not act anything accompanied by various medical devices that even my name I do not know. It was so quiet here that I could hear the sound of my own heart pounding. I approached the chair beside your bed. I'm looking for the right word to start talking to you. Though I know your eyes are closed and now you can not see me, but I'm sure you can still hear me.

"Assalamualiakum, Affat, how are you? May goodness always be with you. Affat though maybe now you can not see me, but I hope you still can feel my presence and still can hear my voice. Affat do you not get bored? Are you still not satisfied you sleep? Affat wake up do not you know how your mother is so eager to hear your voice and see the smile on your face. Affat is not just your mother, we all still expect you back. Affat, honestly I do not like to see you like this, I do not like to see you like this. "My tears are dripping along the droplet of infusion that goes into your body.

"Affat wake up, you know, before I came here I've been asking my friends about your favorite Mesult Ozil, you know my friends say, yesterday your Mesult Ozil scored the winning goal while playing with other football clubs if not wrong with Barcelona . But sorry I forgot to ask the final score. Oh yes Affat my friend said the other day Ozilmu it will also play again. Do not you want to see him dribble and win the game, "I said, trying to control the situation.

"Affat, come on wake up I want to see how your expression as passionate about the football. About the names of the real green field artists I really do not know. Affat though I do not understand your football story line, I'm definitely trying to be a good listener for you. I'd rather you're telling me something vague about this than to see you lying here. Affat wake up, I know you love your mother so much, but why now you let your mother cry alone? "

affat I know not like this. affat, come on up come delete tears your mother who have pooled since a few days ago. isn't affat I know it never want to make his mother cry? affat I believe you strong, you can certainly past this difficult time. affat you know friends was miss you. our all still in here waiting, affat our expect the good for you. "my tears finally spilled as well. I was surprised to see there are running water from the point of your eyes, I know that means you can still hear me." affat, whatever the result later, I will try to receive it. affat sorry but I want you to know that actually I love you. affat I know the decision God is the best. I believe it. affat, if this is the best for US all ... God willing I sincerely. "I said as he ran to leave. after I was out of doors ruanganmu, I met a hug your mother. I heard your mother thanked with softly, but not too low for me hear. - today I wake up with eyes swollen. how do not since yesterday after mom IVA call me and tell me about you doing it's tears this did not want to stop flowing from my eyes. but I tried strong, it may God wanted to be met up as soon as this is calling. when I had to school mom IVA immediately take me to go to your House. initially I don't want to, but finally me realize this is an opportunity my last to see you. when we already reached your House whether what's in my mind. it is currently myself, I don't understand. must how to me, it's joint-sendiku not want to menurutiku. my body lethargic. it's crisis mind too messed up. White flag in front of your House as if waving at me. when my entering the court of your House, a lot of people passing by in situ. vague I began hear the outbreak of voice a cry in your House. that my hope is now only one, which my see this is just a dream. Yes I hope this is just a dream. I am not ready if this happens. but I can what? ready not ready this is the way of life to my live. I tried to terms with myself. isn't yesterday when hospital i've said I mengikhlaskanmu, but it's heavy the word. sincere, Yes I must sincere. I had to ikhlas receive all the fate of the ruler of the universe. I draw a deep breath as if want me to fulfill lung-paruku felt shortness of the entire oxygen around me. God Yes Rabb ... give your servant fragile this power. give your servant weak this patience. Yes Rabb, strengthen tabahkanlah only kepadamulah servant to ask. my step my foot forward down the page your House. up to now i've been standing in the doorway. can what I, if God it will not possible can I refused. how it feels lost all tumpuanku. my feet even too weak to shore up my body. I was sitting right in front of your body which has now been lying stiff. i'm confused must how. haven't lost it weak my feet when see White flag in front of your House, now I have watched your body that has been wrapped White cloth. White cloth, White cloth is that I know will be the clothes your last. I barely believe it yourself. your face, face usually my view full gusto now Blanch. the look on your face usually decorated warm smile, now invisible. I can see your mother so chaotic sitting next to. affat yesterday I still see drain the tears from the point of your eyes, why now I have to see you lying stiff with cloth kaffan that has now wrap your body? where you are used to my see a month ago, I see so excited to play ball with his friends like a little kid's new bought toys by his father? affat as soon as is this you have to go? affat I still here still keep all memories about you, on mesult Ozil artist Green field ever you tell me. on the ideals keduamu witnessed directly mesult Ozil lead the round leather with your mother. affat, i'm sorry that stopped by the silence. sorry for diamku I had to give up all rasaku you hidden. affat with you now I understand the love and a sense want to have it is not the same. affat, once you go bias memories about you never terganti. your mother approached, he hold my hand and held me. I feel your mother sobbing on your side. I really can't imagine how the feeling of your mother that must be willing to lose the two men meaning in his life in the same way. affat let me cry but will not lamenting the departure because I know that it will memberatkanmu. affat still my try smiled at this time. although my heart chipped with the state of the sad. I know this pain and bitter but I try not to be too cry. affat believe you would still have a place in the heart of this, even now you have to go and do not here. affat, with you I learned that love not need to have like a love story friends of the Prophet, Salman Inter alia-Pharisees. affat kenanganmu will not forgotten even now, the world we no longer the same........................