"What is wrong with me? Why do they hurt me time and again?"

in #advicelast year (edited)

Nomad-magus, I need your advice.

I do not understand how they manage to hurt me so much each time anew. Maybe I am allowing them to hurt me? Maybe I give them a reason to hurt me? I do not have the answer but I am sick and tired of this situation.

For God’s sake, why do I get involved with those who do not want me? Why don’t they want me? What is wrong with me? Am I not attractive at all? I am so pretty and smart, I have so much within to give and share. But I do not turn them on. It’s so sad.

Perhaps I should play by the “rules”, to be more bitchy, hard to get and not show my feelings, not to talk too much. but on the other hand, I am what I am and why should I change because someone doesn’t match with me? There has to be someone who does fit with who I am, doesn’t there?

The guy I recently met who just broke up with me was so promising. We looked good together, my mom liked him too and everything seemed right.

I admit in the first week he said that he didn’t’ know if he could develop feelings… but I thought that was because it was only the first week. So I hoped and we slept together. And I do not understand why we had sex if he was not sure?!

I have so much anger within. Not just towards him but towards all the guys that ever hurt me. They don’t feel how they hurt me. They never did.

I am sick and tired of being left and abandoned time and again only to be begged later to accept them back.

What do you think about returning to a spouse who had left you and hurt you badly (not violently hurt but with their distant behavior)?

Thank you,



Credit: Swedish artist Markus Åkesson


A distant behavior from someone you are attached to cannot be considered a hurt.

When we feel emotionally hurt it is because we chose to be hurt and it would be beneficial and healing to examine the root causes for that choice. Could it be, for instance, that we enjoy taking the victim role because it makes us feel loved?

When we choose to be hurt by a spouse who forgot our birthday we simply give them the power to rule over our reality and that in itself makes a transformation practically impossible.

We also should remember that relationships involve human beings who have feelings, thoughts and different life patterns. If your spouse decided to be distant from you it might be because he needed time to deal with deep issues that could not be dealt with, in his opinion, in your presence. You interpreted his distancing as an insult to your essence as a woman.

Naturally, if an open and sincere communication obtained between you two, then neither of you would have to guess what the other meant by their actions. Breaking up is a severe measure that needs to be exercised after serious consideration.

So you have your answer - if distancing is not hurt then why not take them back?

Sometimes those who have parted and came back would have a better relationship now that they have matured, learned and cleared the boulders that prevented them from being together at first. In such a case they would find each other naturally and magically and their time together would be very enjoyable.

Let me say one word about your prologue – you must realize that the way you speak to yourself creates your reality. If you constantly undermine your essence by questioning your loveliness, your uniqueness, your Godhood, you will keep attracting men who will reflect back at you those same inner doubts. The anger that you have towards your past spouses is actually your anger towards your inability to choose correctly. The guy that you now blame has told you that he could not develop feelings, but you ignored his words, you compromised your eligibility to be loved and decided to give it a chance despite the contrary signs. By leaving, he did you a great favor because you now have the opportunity to reexamine your choices.

Refrain from blaming yourself and begin taking responsibility for the choices you make. That will bring immediate rewarding changes.

Good luck!



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Right. It's ended.
Maybe next survey.