"One sided secrecy – is it normal in a relationship and how to change it?"

Hi Nomad,

I and my wife have been married for many years (to each other of course) and since the beginning, she has had friendly relationships with women and men alike who were strangers to me.

This issue has always bothered me because I felt that I was left out and that she has had some kind of a double life (not that I suspect her of infidelity!) With deep sadness and unease I have agreed to compromise in order not to lose her.

She does not tell me a lot about these friendly relationships or the content of her conversations, claiming that these belong to other people’s private lives that should not interest me.

It is very difficult for me to be less than a full partner in her life and I regret that I agreed to compromise in the past on this issue.

Am I exaggerating my demand for a full partnership in my wife’s life?

Can a couple have a normal relationship when one side feels left out?

I appreciate your opinion,

Ron

Credit: bostonglobe

Ron,

There is no one model for a relationship. There is no one truth that in its light all the couples in the world should build their life. Each one rather creates the kind of relationship and intimacy that appeals to them and it is very likely that what you liked and wanted in the past no longer applies in the present.

You have changed, my friend. Nowadays you ask for more intimacy, better closeness and enhanced knowing of yourself and your partner. Naturally, and I congratulate you for that, you seek to find that intimacy with the closest person to you, that is your legitimate wife.

You are right to claim that one of the basic conditions for a True-Love relationship, that is the level of relationship that you desire now, is total sharing. No secrets, no mysteries, no “hidden parts” – in flesh and in spirit. Indeed, a True-Love relationship is the merging of two wholes that have developed their own independence, their own divinity, their own life. Naturally, they have separate friends, specific hobbies or distinct tastes. This uniqueness is blessed and appropriate. Nevertheless let us remember that there is a huge difference between developing the various aspects of the soul/personality and refusing to share out of fear, victimhood or disrespect.

You are right to claim and choose total sharing. This is a necessary prerequisite for a True-Love relationship; but before you approach your wife with such a demand and before you show her this answer check with yourself to make sure that your choice for full sharing does not come from your limited desire to control your wife and her daily behavior. Many individuals develop unbalanced jealousy for their partners because they are feeding off of their partner’s love for them. It means that they falsely think that if their partner spends time with others, or invests time in other activities, they themselves might be deprived of his/her love.

While walking on the path towards realization and asking your wife for enhanced sharing, you should be willing to accept the possibility that she will refuse to follow your desires, and even your sincerest and detailed explanations might not convince her. In that case, you will have to consider the option of releasing her to her own honorable way so you could find a new partner who is similarly keen to establish a True-Love relationship.

Good luck!

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