"I have a boyfriend while my older sister is alone, and it makes her suffer; what can I do to help her?"

Excerpt: in many cases we help other people not because we are in true service but because we feel guilty! Ask yourself, how often do you agree to do things for other people because it's not nice to say no? How often do you feel a vague sense of obligation, whose source is unrelated, and you feel guilty for wanting to get rid of it? In families this guilt is stronger than ever exactly because you cannot pinpoint the source of that obligation. Ultimately, each person will need to face this issue of guilt and release it, with the shame that it carries.

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Dear,

My sister is 26 years old. She has been looking for a boyfriend for many years but so far could not find someone who would not be a “compromise”. I am 22 years old and have had a boyfriend for eight months. Although we are not thinking about a wedding yet, it will happen soon because we come from a religious-conservative family and we can’t prolong the relationship at its current status.

My sister has been through a very difficult time since I began a relationship while she is without one. She found it painful to realize that I have found love so easily and by chance while she, who has met a lot of men, hasn't found anyone. She cried a lot and refused to come home when I was there. She has been seeing a guy for six weeks now but the relationship shows signs of collapse and I am terrified that the good mood she has been in lately might fall apart and I will have to be both comforting and barely seen in her presence.

Do you have any advice?

Sarah

Credit: pixabay

Sarah,

Your sister’s frustrations and jealousy come from a sense of a seemingly powerless self. She sees you and other young women and finds it difficult to accept that love is seemingly inaccessible to her. On the one hand she is determined not to compromise on the heart-attraction and for that, she should be commended, and on the other hand, she simply doesn’t know what to do.

You, as her sister, can help her. If you have advice or wise words that can guide her on her path, tell her. Explain to her that each human being is unique and precious in the eyes of God and “serves” as another facet of the conscious energy of life which desires to experience itself. Your life’s challenges and lessons are different than your sister’s and the mere recognition of that fact will ease her mind and heart.

Secondly, your sister may find it useful to be assisted by those who have found Love and can guide her. Allowing love is a process at any age. When your sister realizes that many people are battling the same issues she may be comforted and will definitely regain a sense of proportion.

Having said all that, it’s crucial for your own well-being and further personal growth to realize that you are not responsible for anyone’s life. They can ask for your help but once they leave your presence, they are responsible for their own reality. As compassionate and kind-hearted as you are, it would only weaken you to absorb people’s emotional issues and might eventually even sabotage your own successful relationship. Be careful about that.

Another extremely important issue that is obvious from your words is the guilt. For the sake of your own welfare and the health of your relationship, you must release the guilt feelings you have now. Those come from your thoughts as explained above, and have no place in your life. Actually, they would surely pull you and your future spouse, down.

You see, the guilt comes from the society you grew up in, and is an old dogma, appearing already in the bible. The thought that the young sister should not marry before the older one is false! It belongs to archaic times when families stayed together for survival purposes. You are not responsible for the life of other people. In fact, the greatest service you can do to your sister, your family, your community, is by taking care of yourself, shining out your light, so they can see it, feel it, be inspired by it, and then go, on their own path, to do the same. Any attempt from your end to save your sister, to inflict your own agenda ("I want you to find someone too"), will only ruin her life.

Have a look at the subject from a different perspective. When you carry the guilt, when you think "oh, I must be a good sister and help her", you are feeling good about your noble attitude and good heart, don't you? But you see, this feeling is false, not real. You are feeding yourself from a source that is empty. Your sister on her part thinks, "I am so glad to have her to help me and encourage me; If it wasn't for her I would not know what to do, how to live my life, I would be so miserable*". Do you identify a pattern here? She is a victim and you, albeit your good intentions, help her to perpetuate the victimhood! This way she will never be a sovereign, independent person. You are suffocating her growth.

Release the guilt, and you will see the immediate transformation!