I Gave Up And Attempted Suicide - Twice - Part 1 (Celebrating 6 months Clean TODAY!)steemCreated with Sketch.

in addiction •  2 years ago

Hey guys,

I'm sure many of you have met or known me by now, with all the noise I've made over the past few days :P

Just wanted to share something personal - it just turned June 10th in Thailand, where I'm currently at.

That means that I finally made it to 6 months clean! I've NEVER been able to stay clean for this long ever since I first started using.

I need to find an NA meeting out here and grab my 6-month chip. It's been a while since I've been to NA :[


I couldn't have made it this far without the support and love of my family, who were there for me always.

When I was in rehab, I thought I was gonna end up going out and being homeless again - no one wanted me in their house.

My sister told our mom that "he's family and he is staying here. and that's final".

So my sister basically made sure that I wouldn't be homeless after I got out of rehab.

I love her to death, even though she can be pretty mean sometimes - I know she's hurting inside because of some personal stuff. I still love her to death <3

My dad wanted me to go to a homeless shelter or salvation army, or as he famously says, "just figure it out".

My mom was pretty ambivalent about it...the last time I was home, I ended up disappearing on them.

I forged two checks worth about $750 total I think, went to their local bank and cashed them, then sold the MacBook Pro my mom had paid for upfront for me, but I still owed her about 800 on it. Ended up selling that laptop for 600, needed the money fast.

I bought a plane ticket to Vegas, one way. Told my buddy who drove me to the airport not to tell anyone, and that I was just going on "business" and would be back in a few days.

No, no. So far from the fucking reality of what was to come.

I partied my ass off at Aria (the casino/hotel that's DEAD center on the strip, they call it "City Center").

I got a 3-night free stay in a corner suite room because I used to be a massive gambler there - I was getting close to reaching their ultimate player's card. That's how bad I was gambling...or as I was telling myself, "counting cards isn't gambling".

Bullshit. Total bullshit. I was so damn good at lying to myself, and the world...


I'll save the card counting stories for another post...there are some juicy ones. ;)


I was doing coke, I was doing oxy's, I was binge drinking really bad, I was eating benzos like candy.

I don't remember most of it.

I do remember posting a picture on FB of my buddy and I eating sushi somewhere in Vegas - and my family saw it and were like wtf? Why is it so sunny? Where is he?

They thought I was staying at a friends house for 3-4 days and would return after. We lived in Buffalo, NY. It was February, so there was snow and typically darkness every day.

That's when their suspicions started.

Well, day 3 came. And I was ready to stick to my predetermined schedule.

I can't remember the date, but that night, I ate 49 oxycodone and 23 Lortab's and washed them down with a bottle of cough syrup.

I wanted to die. I was ready to die. I was miserable and hated everything I had become, that I had done...

I wrote a quick note in a journal and tossed it on the bed beside mine (2 beds in the room).

I drifted off into space....higher than I've ever been, completely numb, euphoric, elated, just melting into the bed.....

And then I woke up.

I was perfectly fine.

I was so fucking angry. Why didn't I die?@? WHY?!?!

So that day, I went nuts. I bought, even more, opiates to ensure my death later that evening. I gambled all my money away.

I drank so much that I was throwing up everywhere in my room and couldn't even stand.

I downed everything I had bought that evening (roughly 80 pills), all Lortab 10's. This would surely kill me, being mixed...I threw in an entire package of cough meds (DXM) and a bottle of syrup again.

Waiting, waiting, drifting, floating, completely elated and high enough to touch the clouds....

....And then I woke up again.

At that moment, when I got out of bed, I went and read my suicide note. It mentioned something about my life has no meaning or purpose and that was one of the reasons I deserved to die.

I realized that I did have a purpose. I did have a meaning. I was MEANT to live. I was not supposed to die in that hotel room. I was not supposed to shatter my families lives forever.

It was not my time to go.

For now, I'll cut this story here - but there's more to it.

Stay tuned for part 2.....

But, just for today, I'm okay.

Happy 6 months without heroin to me.


-Panda, aka Fat Panda Design

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I already told you yesterday in the chat, but you have my biggest respect for getting clean.
This is some wild shit you been through. I don't even know half of the drugs you listed O_O

Keep up the good spirit and I'm looking forward for Part 2


Thanks you again <3

Oh, I could list so many more...not that I'm proud of it. It's just the reality I went through.

Thank you so much, and I'm definitely looking forward to sharing Part 2 with the community! Cheers

Glad you were able to turn it around. You must be a strong person. Those are very difficult obstacles to overcome. God bless you and keep you clean and sober. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live it well. Take care.


Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad everything happened the way it did - because everything has led up to me being the person I am today. And I'm really proud of where I'm headed and the things I'm doing.

Thank you for the kindness. This community is so uplifting, it's incredible <3

Cannot imagine how hard this must be to put down to words... I don't know you, but just know... I'm proud of you and what you've done and where you are.

I'm glad that hotel room was not your final stop.

The strenght required to go on is much more than the one required to go out.

Steem on, bro.


I really appreciate that brother. Honestly just boosted my spirits right now with those words.

I'm glad that hotel room wasn't the end either. I can still replay the entire scene in perfect memory....it's haunting.

It's not worth it though. We all have a purpose in life, and we have to fulfill it. I'm gonna do that and live a life full of meaning, and passion, and honesty. A simple, happpy life.


From what I've seen here and on FB... you're well on track on taking life by the horns man.

I don't think we ever leave the rooms where we decide to give up... But in a way they anchor us further... you've been to hell and back... and as far as your own experiments can show... You're inmortal. Wear it proudly, man. You have seen death's face, and your reaction wasn't fear... it was "What took you so long..." And still... Here you are.

Big e-Hug for you, man.


Thank you for this brother. You're fucking right - I'm immortal!!!! Haha nah but seriously, this is really uplifting and I truly appreciate this. Now I just gotta use the time I have (since I'm alive) to do as much good for the world as I can <3

Hugs right back brother!!!


Thank you so much!

Stay strong!!!

I had a few friends, who unfortunately didn't make the right decision and got clean!

Godbless you & their souls !

btw I am FOLLOWING YOU,wanna follow back:) I post all sorts of stuff :)


Thanks so much for following my journey. I'll definitely follow you back.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends...it's always sad when we lose people we care about, especially to this epidemic :[

Stay strong my friend <3


Thank bro! I'm sure you will find something you like in my posts ;) hopefully!

It is. No doubt, but what can we do is to share the memories and help others going to this hard struggle.

I appreciate your post and hope many others will too !

Goodluck bro! See you around!



Thanks so much for your support.

See you around for sure :D

What a crazy story bro! I'm very happy that you are still here to share it. The best thing about all this is that you have been at rock bottom and survived. Nothing can take you down now!! Make that rock bottom the foundation of the sky scraper you are about to build! If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to reach out.


You're so right - hitting rock bottom was the best thing for me honestly - i've been able to turn around a lot of things in my life because I did.

I currently am working on turning that rock bottom into the base of my life's masterpiece - stay tuned for more!

And I appreciate your offer, I will definitely keep that in mind. Kudos <3

I'm proud of you for being clean for 6 months and also being able to tell your story. ❤️


Thank you so much <3 It's been a hell of a battle, but the journey has just begun and so far, there's been so much love and support it's been a tremendous push for me to move forward :D

I'm praying for your strength and courage! A few years down the road, some hard situations in life and you will remember that and what it felt like. And you will forever wage war against yourself in your mind. Which is why it is important to write this and be able to reflect on where you were and who you are. And that you can rise above the deep pit you feel sunken into. You will also hopefully touch many more lives and have lofty goals and a long list of reasons to live. Because. Because counts as a reason. Big hugs for not really tossing your family upside down! Be strong!


Thank you so much! Writing about all of this has helped tremendously - and it's also been able to inspire a few people to seek help already (people have messaged me saying they're addicts and i've been able to direct them to proper help).

Thank you so much for your kind words - I will continue down this path for as long as I live!

followed, can u do the same for me?


Done - would appreciate if you could upvote and resteem this post. Thanks!


Cool deal, welcome to the party, although I don't see a request to join the FB group?

I don't mean to sound like a dick, but someone has to say this as my dad killed himself when I was 4 but, Isn't that story really selfish, and only looking at life from a, take what I can point of view? I get it's your life and that, but like you said, you have a family that cared about you enough to offer you a room and money for a macbook? Random people don't do this for no reason? And you were angry you didn't die? The thing is we all want to die at some point, but it's family and friends that keep us going. Even if they aren't around us at the time? I've been addicted to alcohol and drugs (I'm clean now) and not once when I was battling depression did I think of actually going through with it, as I couldn't bare to put that on my mum and brother. I would happily live in the state of depression to the point of the thought of suicide numbs the pain, as the thought of leaving my mother and brother behind was a million times worse!


Of course it would have been selfish. The anger that I didn't die? That was written so to represent how I felt THAT MOMENT, which was over 3 years ago.

I obviously do not feel that way today. I am extremely grateful to be alive and I cherish every day.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It must be tough :{

I had gone through a massive depression for months after getting clean that caused me to go into a manic state, which is why I did what I did.

I would never do it again because I know how serious and how terrible it would be for everyone I love - plus, I love life way too much.

Thanks for wriiting this, but I think you have what you read confused - like I said, I felt angry the day AFTER attempting to kill myself - this is not a current reflection of my feelings, as today I am so grateful that I wake up each morning.


Well done on sharing - you are so brave and have obviously have a strong heart in more ways than one.

Right, that's it I have to start sharing my story too! You have motivated me. Thank you. Don't think it will be quite as amazing as yours though, but as long as it helps someone, even just one person.


Aw, thank you so much <3

It's taken a long time for me to muster up the strength and courage/not give a fuck attitude to finally start sharing my stories.

WOW! I'm so glad that I motived you to do so. When you write it, please tag me in it - I'd love to be one of the first to read it!!!

You have the same mentality as I do - As long as it helps someone, it was worth it all <3

You're amazing. Can't wait!

Bro! Legends never die. Someone has been watching over your shoulder the whole time.
You have a higher purpose and that's why your still here.
Never forget it.


You're damn right dude...someone surely has.
Thank you bro. Sometimes, I do need to be reminded of this...we all have our days where we lose sight of our significance in life.
I really appreciate your friendship man. You're awesome <3

Thanks for sharing. Powerful testimony. Congrats on the 6 months!


I appreciate it! I'm so grateful to be here for it :D

Hi @fatpandadesign, Kudos to you for turning your life around. It is not the event that determines the outcome. It is our response that determines the outcome. Great inspiring story to all.


Thank you for reading and for your kind words. You're absolutely right - and that's why i'm trying to lead a life of being PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE. Makes a massive difference in your decision making process.

Thanks again! <3

A Motivational story to all of us , it takes a lot of courage to change our life, like you did !!
Congratulations man, you're a fighter !!


Thank you man, I really appreciate this. It took a lot but I'm still here :D I'm happy to be alive, that's for sure!!!

Gotta be a fighter to make it in this world man. Cheers to you and I wish you the best!!


Thank you !!