My Actifit Report Card: November 4 2018

I went on a walk this morning before I went to bed. It was about 2:30 a.m. by the time I got home.

I woke up and spent the day feeling pretty bad about myself. I worked on two paintings that I don't feel are going to get anywhere. I don't really have much understanding of how to use paint and I don't feel like I have enough time to really gain that skill because there's so many other things that I need to do.

I live with my parents right now and I hate it, people here don't expect you to live with your parents at the age that I am. a They don't even expect you to live with your parents at the age that I was 15 years ago, but here I am. I feel such deep shame about how my life has gone and how I haven't been able to form relationships or be truly independent. I feel it's all my fault.

I'm trying to study JavaScript. I'm trying to study anything that could help me get work, but I really have no faith in myself. I drive Uber on an extremely part-time basis because doing it anymore than that just kind of destroys me. Many people say things that unintentionally hurt my feelings because it brings up problems that I've had in my life. People talk to me and ask me about my life and I hate talking to them. I don't want to speak to anyone about my life or tell anyone about myself.

It sucks because I know that in order to be with people I have to reveal things about myself, I guess, but the vast majority around here would simply not understand who I am or what I've been through or why I've been through what I've been through they wouldn't understand why it's so hard for me to work or do much of anything or why I haven't had much of a love life if any love life to speak of.

I don't know I'm writing this right now and I guess I might go for one more walk and then send this out to the blockchain.

...

Okay, well I decided to go on another walk it took about an hour. Halfway through, it began to rain on me but I thought that might happen so I brought an umbrella along with me for my journey.

I'm here in my bed about to begin reading head first JavaScript programming, a book that I purchased recently. Hopefully, it helps me in some way with work in the future. I'm not sure that I will ever manage to do a job that gets me somewhere in life. I have no hope but I know that I have to try and at least attempt something in my life but I do feel very hopeless.

Walking