When pain tempts us to withdraw

I've been through a lot of pain in my life.  I've often written about my experiences with depression and suicide, but one aspect that I've not covered was the temptation for me to withdraw from family and friends when I was going through it all.

I am a witness to many friends experiencing the same thing as they struggle with the wrath of genocide against them and their families.  Others wince and retreat when loved ones are molested by family members or taken away by human traffickers and murderers.  The betrayal of people we trust or love is far beyond what most of us can even comprehend let alone heal from and forgive.

As I go through the ebbs and flows of healing my vessel of cancer, I find myself experiencing similar feelings as my vessel has good days and not so good days.  I just don't have the energy or capacity that I used to have and confronting the deterioration of my own sovereignty in the wake of these challenges is daunting.  I've been fiercely independent for a long time and to face the prospect of not being able to hold my own is challenging.  

While I speak often about how it is our duty to be independent and to teach others how to do the same, I also speak of how important our tribes are to one another.  There is a reason for our tribes and that is to ensure that nobody gets left behind, no matter what challenges we may be confronted with.

Perhaps it is pride, shame or even guilt that spawns the temptation to walk away when we need others the most.  Maybe it is a natural instinct or trauma that has not been healed yet.  What ever the reason, I recall withdrawing from people a lot during my depression days and I witness others do the same when they are up to their own eye brows in pain and anguish.  

This type of life change is one of the most challenging as those who withdraw are confronted with their feelings and often reject the offers of others to help.  What better form of love is there, when people see and recognize one's pain and reach out despite what has unfolded?

My relationship with my wife has gone through hell and back over the last 30+ years.  I struggle as I'm not physically or even mentally capable of doing what I was able to do even a few short years ago.  But more surprisingly I find my emotional strength is equally compromised as the feelings I experience at times have a mind of their own.  It is frustrating and I work hard to accept what transpires as the days continue to roll on.

What can I possibly contribute but my capacity to be a witness and observer to these challenges and put it into writing for others to share.  Maybe I can help somebody come to terms with their own experiences so that they can find the spiritual lessons involved in the darker periods of ones life.

We all experience those dark days.  Nobody can escape it as this is a foundational part of life within this Physical Realm.  Spirit is here to experience it all and I think we do ourselves a significant disservice if we try to avoid it, run away, mask it with addictions or succumb to anger and frustration.  Taking it out on those that we love only makes matters worse and I think we miss out on a profound lesson with these dark experiences.  

My wife is away right now, working to help keep the few bills we have from going into default.  Her willingness to step up and have us switch roles is profound and telling.  I've worked hard to surrender the idea that it is 'my job' along with the shame and guilt that goes along with it.  Instead I've found a way to see her efforts for the gift of love that it truly is.  I am worthy of accepting such expressions and that feeling fills my heart with joy and makes the work towards healing that much easier for me.  

While I fight the urge to withdraw, I work hard to keep writing, interacting with others and being present.  My perceptions may have changed and I know that I'm much more sensitive to all the bull shit that is going on around me.  I don't tolerate it nearly as well as I used to.  

But I find this part of my life very interesting.  Love is not a noun, but instead is a verb.  What better way to love somebody else than to graciously accept their gift of time, effort, gratitude, appreciation and all the actions one can muster up to help another?  Who am I to dismiss their expression?  How violent have I been in my efforts to maintain my own pride and save myself from the guilt and shame that I beat myself up with?

What saddens me most is that I've had to walk away from projects that would have helped others tremendously.  I was working on a grant proposal for Kehewin First Nations so that they can receive funding for an innovative housing project.  I experience great sadness as I pray that my withdraw does not impact them in any way.  I pray that they don't feel disappointment but rather gratitude and appreciation for what I can contribute.  

I've also had to turn down an opportunity to help a cousin build an addition to her home.  I just don't have the strength or intellectual capacity to do that type of work any more.  

But what can I do?

Be.  This has been a very hard lesson for me to comprehend, but I've been told that my mere presence is enough to bring comfort, strength and inspiration to others.  My life and my actions proceed me as people continue to reach out to me even if just for a moment.  Even if the exchange is just a few words on social media.  My mere presence is enough and I'm starting to learn just how powerful that can be.  

I pray to Creator that I can heal my vessel and get back to work.  But if I have to live this way for the rest of my life, I will do what I can to allow my Spirit to inspire people from the example that I've lead all my life.  Despite the physical, emotional and mental challenges, Spirit continues to shine bright through my very existence and I work hard to keep that in mind.  

My dear friend @harvardhomestead told me the other day that it may be time for me to step aside and let others pick up the work that I started.  If I don't do that, then I may actually harm the movement, the youth and even myself in the process.  

I surrender to the will of Creator.  I hear that it is time for me to shift into the next phase of life and be the elder, knowledge keeper and inspiration for the next generation.  I still get to share my thoughts, feelings and insights, but I am no longer capable of doing the grinding work that I once was able to do.  So I turn over my work to the next generation.  May their efforts prove as fruitful as mine were.  May their service to Spirit inspire millions and be passed on to the next generation.  

For those in the dark abyss, I encourage you to step forth with courage, inspiration and strength.  Even though it may not feel that way, when we do so and share our stories, we connect with others in ways we never contemplated possible.  We need to hear your stories as these stories are what will bring us out of the dark ages.  

We hide the darkness within and then real when that darkness comes to the light.  The world is being confronted with human trafficking, child torture & blood consumption, pedophilia, murder, genocide and violence far beyond comprehension.  People are in shock and awe as the absolute evil depravity of the earthly masters come to light.  By sharing our stories, we start the healing process as we realize that we are not alone in this world.  

We feel alone because we withdrew out of pain.  But when we find the courage to share, we return to the tribe and find support, comprehension, brotherhood, love, compassion and a deep level of connection.  I walked away from a tribe due to violence.  But they really were not my tribe.  My tribe is that loose connection of friends that go about their day but work hard to maintain the connections no matter how each of us are feeling.  

I dedicate this to my real tribe.  I thank you all for being a part of my life and honouring the work that I do.  I dedicate this to all those who have found the courage to walk their path despite what is going on in this world.  Thank you.  I love you.  Please forgive me.  To my wife, I express the deepest gratitude as it is you that is showing me what true love is all about and for that I am humbled.  

I offer this smudge and prayer to everyone who is in pain and working hard to come back from the brink.