In 1778 Captain James Cook made a pit stop in Hawaii while searching for a Northwest passage between the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean. He named the place “The Sandwich islands” after his benefactor; John Montague, The Earl of Sandwich. The name didn’t stick.

The natives were impressed by the European’s boats, being a bit of sea faring chaps themselves. It was basically like some guy pulled up to a soap box derby in a Corvette. Now if there’s one things dudes stuck on a boat with a bunch of other dudes for months at a time can’t get enough if, it’s pussy. The Hawaiian women had plenty of those, and it came wrapped in a lean, tanned, sultry package. Since the Hawaiian Islands were formed from volcanic lava flows and they are just babies on the geological time scale, metals like iron simply do not exist there. The Hawaiians were blown the fuck away by crazy European black magic fuckery, like nails, which make better fish hooks than the old fish bones the Hawaiians used. The sailors hung out for a little while, trading nails for venereal diseases before leaving the tropical paradise full of chicks who screwed for nails and spent the next year freezing their tits off around Alaska and the Bearing Straight.

After a year of not finding shit other than ice and a hatred of walrus meat they sailed back to Hawaii to restock on fresh water and empty their balls. They pulled into Kealakekua Bay while the festival of Makahiki was under full swing. Makahiki is the Hawaiian new year celebration to honor the god Lono, who brings rain and fertility. He also dodges spears and catches bullets with his teeth. Wait, the bullet thing was someone else, nevermind.

During Makahaki all wars are postponed, as well as any unnecessary work. People spend most of their time partying and giving offerings to the king and the gods. At the end of the ceremony the king paddles out into the bay, then everyone throws spears at him while he tries to get back to shore to prove he is tough enough to keep being king. I’m going to guess it was more of a ceremonial gesture than Thunderdome dodgeball, cause if I got to throw spears at my boss to prove he deserved to keep his job every year I’d be going Swiss Family Robinson on that ass, lobbing some coconut grenades at that motherfucker's boat.

It just so happens that Kealakekua Bay is sacred to the Lono festival. According to legend, the Hawaiians thought Captain cook WAS Lono, but some historians dispute this. Either way, they rolled out the red carpet for Cook and his crew. This sounds like a crazy ass coincidence that he showed up at just the right time, but it’s not that amazing considering Makahaki lasts for four months.

The Europeans hung around carousing and eating all the Hawaiian’s food until they started wearing out their welcome. Cook decided to leave but after only a few days they hit bad weather, forcing him to go back to the islands for repairs. At this point Makahaki was over, and the locals were tired of the hairy white dudes banging their women so they just started stealing anything metal they could get their hands on as well as one of Cook’s smaller boats called a Cutter. Captain Cook came up with the brilliant idea to kidnap the king and hold him for ransom to get the boat back. His diabolical plan was to go hold hands with king Kalaniʻōpuʻu and walk away with him. Somehow he made it all the way to the ocean despite being surrounded by a shitload natives screaming, “Hey brah! Where you going holding hands with our king? I know it’s Valentine’s Day but he don’t swing that way brah.”

Cook’s crew got spooked and took a few shots at the mob with their cannons and a few muskets. While Cook was waving at the boats and screaming for them to stop shooting, one of the chiefs stabbed him in the back. Then they finished him off by stabbing him some more…and beating him with clubs…and rocks… while he was drowning. Then Cook’s body was taken back to the village where it was disemboweled, cooked and had the bones scraped clean, which was actually kind of flattering since that treatment was reserved for royalty. The Hawaiians believed whoever kept the bones got some of the person’s spiritual power.

The two sides took shots at each other for the next couple of days. After the Europeans burned down a village, chopped off two guy’s heads and stuck em’ on some poles the natives called a truce. They gave some of Cook’s remains back in a box so he could get a burial at sea, but they kept a couple pieces for that sweet sweet mana.

Cook’s ship “The Endeavor” would later have its name changed to “The Lord Sandwich” and was used to transport troops for the British. During the American Revolutionary War, The Lord Sandwich was used as a floating prison for colonial POW’s off the coast of Rhode Island until was sunk to create a blockade.

Cook’s sailing master was a chap named William Bligh, who would later command his own ship, the HMS Bounty. It turns out Bligh was a total dick so his crew threw him and 18 other guys on a tiny launch boat and left him for dead out in the Pacific, inspiring scores of film, television, and literary accounts of… The Mutiny on the Bounty.