Defying the Odds
Where do you go when the world doesn't seem to be working in your favour? Behind which tree or stone do you hide when it seems as though every eye looking at you is judgemental? Do you have a favourite thing you do to get rid of the dead weight crushing your tired soul?
I do.
I sink to the bottom of a good story. Whether it will be form of a read or documentary. It helps me chase away the overwhelming anxiety that eats on me when I am overthinking. And I say overthinking because sometimes it can all be in my head as much as it can be real. It's hard to define the two most of the time.
The secret.
Stories are made of us. We in return are stories either already being told or waiting to be told with boldness. If we are all stories then we can passively heal each other through our shared experiences. I absorb anything, it doesn't matter if the story is fiction because such examples are littered with life lessons in different capacities.
The good old music.
I keep telling a good friend who thinks I am obsessed with my earphones that music is how my soul is still anchored to this physical world. My energy feeds off of music more than anything. And it's seasonal and unpredictable as hell; I can sometimes listen to emotional music for weeks while switching to something uplifting or danceable in between just to re-energize the same spirit I drain while being that low.
Sad right?
But you are yet to confess where you go when feeling low? When you can't simply tuck pain behind a smile anymore and move on like it doesn't hurt. Where do you go to? What do you do with your self? To yourself?
To myself you ask?
Yes. To yourself. For me, I wallow in the dark while still trying to defy the odds. It's about being down but still functioning well enough for the souls that rely on me. I feel like I owe them that much. I am allowed to feel sorry for myself for a minute or two but after that its more of wading through unresolved emotions. It is a daily struggle. A minute by minute battle.
Carpeting darkness.
The issue with this is, most issues are hurriedly shelved to enable my moving on with life. They pile up in hidden corners of my dying light and create more shadows to run away from. They secretly manage to develop voices to silence my intuitions or turn them into doubts. Then dutifully go ahead and cage me in my own mind. How dark do you think it can be?
I combat negative emotions similarly. I agree that books help tremendously. I do reach to faith when thinks get particularly bleak and find comfort in the scriptures. When mom committed suicide I would shake and nothing seemed to quell the feelings of the world spiralling out of control. I began to copy Psalms by hand and it seemed to help the anxiety and give me some peace. Music always is a go to. Thanks for sharing your methods. Take care
I am sorry to hear about your mum. Suicide is extremely overwhelming. I know because a close friend lost a 19 year old younger sister to it. The good book is always a fountain when nothing else can't be. I think Lamentations have me best.
Thanks and take care of yourself too :)
If a flower or a blade of grass can work its way up through asphalt like that, just imagine what a person can do if he sets his mind to accomplishing a worthy goal.
Nature only proves to us that we can be more. That we are so much more :)
I am, Queen! 🖤
I've been trying to stay away from the dark the last couple of weeks, been trying to keep my mind away of the things I shouldn't be thinking and let myself to move on. During daytime I win, I work, I cook, I do chores, I do crafts, I try to write when my mind cooperates - anything to keep me from thinking. But it's the nights that make it harder, when your head touches the pillow and it's dark all around you, then you have nothing to distract you (shitty candy crush saga game only gives you 5 lives to waste and they are not enough). Thank God I have my sweetheart's arms to cry the pain away. It helps, just being there saying nothing.
Stay safe!
Nights are always the hardest on my end too. When the kids disappear in duvets and I have a cold bed to go home to. They beam with loneliness and emptiness that somehow complements the overthinking. I am trying to stay sane more than anything :)
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