The dangers of allowing tears be a negotiation technique during parenting
When dealing with children, there is a constant push and pull for power in all areas of their lives. This is not a bad thing. (Would you rather see your child coalesce to every request you give? What kind of independent thinker are we raising here?) The importance in negotiation with children, as well as them negotiating with us is to leave tears out of it and once they dry, to return to logic and reason.
Today, my daughter was having problems with her math assignment, and I explained to her how to do the problem. But she wasn't grasping the concept, after I explained it 3 times in two different ways. She didn't ask any probing questions, just grunted a bit and started to cry when her grunts for help weren't effective. I refused to provide her the answer and she continued to struggle. I occasionally gave her tips, but refused to do her homework for her, I had already passed that grade.
She eventually got it, and the experience connected more synapses of her brain, while also making her streak of usual independence continue, despite the early tear negotiation. It is a success for both of us, me not giving in, and her not becoming used to having her emotions be used to get things she didn't earn.
Parents also have this issue of using emotions to get responses out of their children, which isn't helping the cause either. Children are the great imitators of their parents or if no parents are available, the closest grown up where an attachment or connection can be developed. Moms that cry in front of their children because they are being bad or dads that use their anger to get obedience are creating the same "Because I told you so" or "you don't love me because" kind of empty lessons that will come back to bite kids later on in life.
Do you want your child being an emotional leaf blowing in the wind? The world would be a much more beautiful place if we all learned to use logic and reason rather than holding our children captive to emotional whims.
I work with kids, and I agree - hold compassion and respect for the kid, while not allowing their emotional tantrums to manipulate you or the boundaries/requests of the situation. It's ok for them to cry or get frustrated, and help them know they are loved, and that the boundary is still there.
Humor helps. I'm connecting with a two-year old these days, and he has tantrums about different things, whining, crying. I connect through humor and playfulness, and it pops him right out of his funk.
Very true, I use comedy to dry the tears and redirect, while giving a long term view of how the emotional breakdown didn't help solve the problem. The short term and long term thinking helped get her back on the using logic track.
I understand what you are saying and agree completely.. sometimes it's hard for me to not seem so intimidating to my son, whenever I'm trying to help him solve a problem or overcome an obstacle.. I've yet to find a solution to this problem. I don't give him any particular look and I'm not judging him but for some reason maybe it's an expectation I have or just a certain look I unknowingly give.. makes my son nervous and afraid to think any further. It's very hard to get past this point.. I usually have to step away and come back to see if he's progressed any further in solving the problem... usually the distance let's him calm down and think a little clearer
It is difficult with my daughter and math because she is always negotiating to get answers. However, over time it dies down and she begins becoming more of an independent thinker. We aren't perfect, we're parents. But the amount of effort we put in over what we otherwise wouldn't will make all of the difference.
There actually is nothing more rewarding than seeing the look on your child's face after they've struggled with something and then all of a sudden get it. No matter how frustrating it was, by giving her the answer you would've taken that learning moment away, and taught her that if she waited long enough, you would give in. Sadly, I must admit though that I stole many learning opportunities away from my kids because the frustration became too much.
We all have, Cathy. The point is that hindsight is 20/20 and going forward we can adjust :)