Happiness will come ...
... once this one thing is accomplished.
(This is going to be a more personal post with a bit rambling, just to warn you)
I struggle to enjoy my accomplishments, and I'm sure I'm not the only one with that problem.
There's always the next big thing that's supposed to make everything great, supposed to make us happy. But then it's the current big thing, and only moments later, it becomes the past big thing, making room for the new next big thing.
The next big thing is usually the driving force behind everything I do.
Graduate high school with a GPA good enough to study what I want. Finish my exams. Finish my thesis. Receive my bachelor's degree. Be accepted to my next University of choice. Find a place to live that I like.
The place to live, that's my current next big thing and I can already see the things that follow: Move to the new place, finish my master's degree, get the PhD spot I want, finish the PhD, find a job I like ...
Will I be happy then?
The thing is ... I don't think I will. Not until I learn to be happy about the now instead of worrying about the next.
When I received the message that I had been accepted for my master's program, I nearly ruptured @techslut's eardrums, because I was squealing so loudly and high-pitched. And after a few moments in which I told everyone the good news ... the joy subsided. Everything was back to normal except ...
... for an empty feeling.
I felt like I was supposed to be more excited, but every time I grasped for that happiness, anxiety pushed it down.
You're not in Ireland yet.
There are more things that need to be done.
You need to move again.
Especially the last point fills me with fear, as moving is something I dread. I like a certain stability in my life.
But there we have it: I got the great news I had been anticipating for months and I just wasn't able to feel happy about it.
That's still the case.
I feel like I should be happy, feel like people expect it from me. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe some are angry that I'm whining like this despite obviously being successful.
More than one person told me that they're amazed by how well I have my life together - at 22 no less!
I will work on appreciating what I have right now, but it won't be easy and it won't be fast. Unlearning things you've been doing your whole life is a daunting task, but nothing will improve if I don't at least try.
And maybe it's something we all need to learn: Cherish what there is now. It doesn't mean we're settling for it, we can still shoot for the stars while being content with the ground we already have.
It took me many years to find that fine balance between striving for more and appreciating what is. Annoyingly enough, it's a daily struggle against our programming as perfectionists. The way we are demands that we force ourselves to stop and smell the roses.
"Smell the roses". I never understood that term, until I started growing flowers and herbs. If you don't enjoy them, you're working for nothing. They will grow and die and it'll be for nothing if you don't to appreciate them.
Well maybe I'll be happy once I have my garden then!
....wait
For me it's about having a clear division between past, present and future. I cannot change the past. The future is mostly out of my control and there's only so much I can do. The present is kinda all we have.
Having no real control over the future is scary. Very scary. I'm learning to come to terms with it tho.
It's the scariest. It's kinda the cause of my generalized anxiety.
well, there is a secret...two even... to enjoying the now @suesa. I’ll throw you some Japanese terminology, that you might have heard of before: wabi-sabi and mono no aware. They both have to do with the knowledge that nothing is permanent, or perfect and that nothing lasts and the transience of things. It’s also similar to HIMYM’s graduation goggles paradigm:
Plus don’t forget, feelings of being terrified and excited are sort of similar ;) and they too will pass
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