The Trader

Awrite Boomdawg!

I looked up. My Bitcoin purchasing colleague landed in the chair in front of me as if falling from a great height. He looked awfully pleased with himself.

I narrowed my eyes at him, there was something off. Had he been drinking perhaps?

How you doin?

He sneered at me in a passive/aggressive love-hate-fighty way.

It seemed as if he was desperate to share something. I hoped fervently that he hadn't been goosing the bishop in the toilets. I could do without hearing about that.

So Boomdawg. Remember that Bitcoin you sold me?

Oh lord, here we go.

How could I forget.

Bitcoin boy spun around slowly on the chair.

Well, turns out I took it a wee bit further.

His smugness was threatening to explode all over both of us like the ejaculate from a small dog.

Oh really. And what have you taken further?

He stopped the spinning of his chair and looked around conspiratorially. After he ascertained the coast as being clear he scooched forward. His eyes bulging like tennis balls in a sock.

I decided to... diversify my portfolio...

He snapped back and gazed intently at me. As if expecting me to fall to my knees and sloppily felate him.

Diversify your portfolio?

The urge to boast was making him tremble like a cat about to wipe its anal glands on something.

I have become a trader in cryptos.

Somewhere a mic dropped but there was no one to hear it so it might not have happened.

A trader eh. Is it going well?

He flicked out his phone and opened the Blockfolio app. He waved it at me like Mr Miyagi waxing off.

You could say that Boomdawg. Made a few gains. Sitting quite pretty.

I took his phone and looked. He leaned way back in his seat till it threatened to topple and tucked his hands firmly behind his head.

I guess you could say... that sometimes the student... becomes the Master, eh Booom dawg?

He gave a tiny snort of derision like a woman would at his penis.

I passed him back his phone. Now it was my turn to cross my hands behind my head.

The things is matey chops. I sold you 0.014 BTC worth at the time, about 50 quid, yes?

Yup.

Bitcoin boy shot an imaginary assassin descending from the roof with an imaginary pistol.

Your Blockfolio app shows that your "portfolio" is worth 64 quid, yes?

Oh yes Boomdawgydawg. 14 buckeroos, straight profit. If I keep going at this rate I would more than double my money in a year.

He pulled at a train whistle only he could see and made a whoot whoot noise.

I pulled my own phone out now and googled BTC to GBP and tapped in 0.014. I showed him the screen.

So if you had done diddly fucking squat and just sat on your Bitcoin like a Master... You would have made way more than double in three months...?

He snarled like a wild dog would at a cucumber.

What?! That's just shit. This fucking shit is rigged man. I fucking knew it, it's all a fucking scam.

His face was as red as my lucky left testicle as he got up and stomped off muttering about scams and internets.

I went back to counting down the days till Christmas with a big ole smile on my face.