The Bloody Octopus
A quick visit to the hospital today for a check up on number 2 baby.
Well, I say quick. Obviously, it's a British hospital so we checked in then sat for an hour and a half in a poky beige waiting room, sweating in swivel-eyed fear that some flesh-eating bug would start gnawing on us.
They are funny places hospitals with quite the bizarre mix of clientele. As we sat in the waiting room I cast a calloused eye around me. Hmm...
Wanker
Fanny
Obnoxious boot
Uppity bastard
It was a relief when the Consultant sternly called our name. We followed him into his little room of power and he bade us sit.
Being a fine upstanding man I listened intently as he and my good lady discussed birthing plans and what not. After about two minutes however, I got bored and started to scuff my feet like an errant schoolboy.
I was hoaching to get my phone out and check my feed on steemit but admirably held back.
Then I heard a word in the conversation that stopped my wandering mind in its tracks.
Oh fuckity fuck, the blood was freezing in my veins. Surely they weren't bringing up all that shit again? Oh lord, they were. They were discussing the rather horrendous events of the birth of our first born.
And it all came flooding back.
There we were, all those moons ago. I was standing in the birthing room. There were nurses everywhere and astonishingly even a doctor. A few minutes before I had been holding my partner's hand. However, when the shit (literally) hit the fan, I had been crudely elbowed out of the way by a nurse who then commanded me to move down by the bottom of the bed. Annoyingly she didn't even attempt to use a sexy voice.
Aggrieved I moved where I was bid. Apparently the baby's head was stuck. Unfortunately, I now had a ringside seat to the horror that was unfolding on the bed. I couldn't help but be aghast at the sight. It looked like a freeze frame of a wormhole forming from a Star Trek film.
Being a paragon of utter manhood I didn't faint even when the blood began to flow.
About half an hour later it looked like someone had thrown a bucket of pigs blood around the place. A doctor came in with wellies and what looked like a hand blender.
What the fuck, is he making a pasta sauce? I thought.
A nurse saw my face and quickly moved over and muttered something about a ventouse. I nodded sagely whilst wondering what the fuck a ventouse was.
When I saw the doctor attach the hand blender to the babies head I was none the wiser.
When he started bending and twisting and generally looking like he was trying to hoe a particularly tough vegetable patch. I would be the first to admit that my knees gave a little tremor.
Thankfully after a mere half hour of blood and anguished screams. There was a resounding cry. A baby's cry. I opened my eyes to see if the coast was clear. I couldn't see a child but a nurse was tugging me gently over to the bed. Another one held something that resembled a pulsing sloth's penis toward me and a pair of scissors.
I hastily remembered something about agreeing to cut the umbilical chord. With only the smallest snort of disdain, I cut the damned thing. It was rather leathery. I found it quite disagreeable and made it obvious with a loud
Surely this foul nightmare was over. Where was the damned baby? Why was I standing in a river of blood?
The nurses parted and there was my good lady lying there. Smiling in delight and relief. I made to smile back but then it happened.
A nurse proclaimed.
She stepped forward to plop a writhing, bloodied octopus on my partner's chest.
My first instinct was to leap forward and swat the damn thing off. I darted forward but before I could raise my hand. It turned its black soulless eyes on me and screamed.
I snapped out of my reverie. The consultant and my partner were staring at me.
Are you ok
Oh yeah, can't wait. I croaked.
Epic picture and the first time I have heard "Oh fuckity fuck" Hahahah, good stuff!
Cheers! It's a splendid term for use in cases like this!!
this I won't have to go through
cut the umbilical chord?
i'd probably pass out if I were you
my mom said I was born feet first
and stuck too
Im just reading this but my stomach kind'a quench with the details
attach the hand blender? started bending and twitching?
that sounds like a horror birthing to watch
more so to experience eeekkk
thanks God I'm never going to experience this
Your own entry to this world sounds like a terrible orderal. Your poor mother!!
That hand blender was a vcuum thing that sucked onto the head and then they levered her out in quite a violent way. I just remember thinking, it cant get any worse. it cant get any worse. And the blood. oh lord. Everywhere!
Wasn't fuckity fuck the opening lines to 4 Wedding and a Funeral? Not that I was a Hugh Grant fan or anything!
A longer version was I think. Lord, that must be where I got it from. I am old!!!!
you are a hugh grant fan!
I'm probably one of the very few who watched the Lady and The Highwayman more than once lol
Lol, I have never even heard of that one!!
This is the best birthing narrative that I have ever read!
My favorite descriptor in the post:
I'd comment something rather more clever, but I cannot quit giggling. Hang in there!!!
I will be hanging strong!! Thank you, I thought I would get it out of my head and on virtual paper!
You are most welcome! We are all the better due to that extraction, both of them!😆
Yes indeed! We sure are!!! :0D
Well, that brought back some of my own memories... :-)
The cutting of the Sloths thingy, leatherish, weird. Felt like that strange pair of sciccors would not even be able to cut it at all. The apple of my eye had to be born through a cesarean section eventually.
Was glad to hear that first scream.
It was a good thing to hear, signalling that the ordeal was finally over. The cutting of the thing, it was not pleasant!!
It's all worth it in the end though eh!!! :0)
Exactly, I still remember how the cutting of 'it' felt, in my head it has a sound attached too... Yech.
Indeed, all worth it in the end! =D
I remember that too!! It didn't seem like it was going to go and then Schniirk!
Hahaha Dude, that totally is the experience and the sound to match!
:0D
I usually have the attention span of a three year old and never make it past the first sentence in the "funny" section, but I'm glad I made it to the end with this one. LOL!
Aw man that's superb. Thank you very much, you have made my evening!
YIKES!!!!
Whoa, that's a rough enough read, let alone being there!
Wishing you a better go this time around mate!
Thanks mate. I too am wishing for a slightly easier go this time!!
You sir have got some skill. I just read this to my lady and had her laughing the whole time! Fantastic, I hope one day I can rescue my wife from a wailing bloody octopus! Hahah
I hope you get that joy too!! It only takes about a year for the image not to appear everytime you close your eyes ;0)
Just in time for another to begin growing I'm sure...
Why yes, so the
horrorjoy never ends!!!It's a bloody cycle BAHAHAH little pun fun there for ya ;) OK. Geez this wine I'm drinking seems to have already gotten to me.
Isn't that a great thing though when the wine is working!!
It really is...going on a winery tour tomorrow all day so I'm really going to put the wine through its paces. Or will it be the other way around?!?!
I think it will be the other way round but hey, that's no bad thing!! :0D
I dehidrated like two weeks ago... It was a nightmare I sat there for like an hour trying to stay conscious...
I feel your pain!! :0)
That's the NHS for you, if you went private the nurses would have been in stockings and sussies and sexy talking you through everything with Benny hill as the Doctor...
![](https://steemitimages.com/640x0/http://i.imgur.com/0z7ULPK.jpg)
Why isn't life more Benny Hill! :0D
A question i ask myself on a regular basis.
It works make things so much better. Congrats, you are 50 rep now!!
Woohoo!!
Yeeg, can't even fathom birthing an octopod. And watching the process unfold would be an experience of a lifetime. Surprised the jello-mold knee joints hold up throughout. Sure the next one will be easier for you, and give a high fiver to the Missus Meester for me in honor of all that hard work. Thanks for the brilliant read and continual mirth.
Cheers mate! I am hoping the next one will shoot out like a greased pig without any drama :0)
That is why I look forward to your posts. Sometimes I need a good laugh and you always seem to deliver. Thanks.
Comments like this mean a lot, I hope not to disappoint! Cheers mate!