The Bullshit Investors Club, Crypto and Rednecks, What Could Go Wrong? Chapter Five

“This meeting of the Bullshit Investors Club will come to order,” Wendel banged a dented can of Campbell’s tomato soup on the table top.

Need to catch up on the story?

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

It had been their makeshift gavel since before he took office. It had been there so long before that, no one remembered whose it had been, and Vince had even considered putting it up on Ebay because the label looked old enough to be “vintage”.

Fifteen of the sixteen other members of the club gathered around the long lunch table where Wendel and Billy sat. Alex had been noticeably absent from the breakroom, working on the transition for the new ownership. “Billy has agreed to fill us in on our progress to date. It’s been a full week since we bought our first cryptology coins, and…”

“Crypto,” Billy interrupted Wendel.

“What?”

“You said, Cryptology, but it’s just crypto, crypto currency, or just crypto for short,” Billy explained.

“Right. May I continue?” Wendel eyed Billy with annoyance. Billy nodded.
Alex came in and stood at the back of the breakroom, his arms folded around a clipboard against his chest, he seemed only half in the room, his mind was somewhere else. The crowd chuckled at Wendel’s insulted expression and Alex tuned in.

“Now, as I was saying, our “treasurer” here has a good report for us today. I’ve been watching our crypto, did I get it? Yeah! Okay, I’ve been watching our crypto as best I can and it’s all been green, which as I understand it, is good. Billy?”

Billy cleared his throat, “Okay, well, we started with an initial investment of $187 which bought us 186.65 shares, and we’ve had a really good week. In fact, the price has doubled this week, making our initial investment rise to $380.”

The crowd broke into applause. Wendel raised his hands for quiet. “So, it’s lottery day again, and here’s the issue before the club, will we buy lottery tickets and just let our initial investment ride, or, will we embrace the future and double down? Who votes in favor of going back to lottery tickets?”

Sid spoke up, “Can we open the floor to debate? I’ve got some concerns.”
Wendel sighed, Sid always had concerns. “Okay, five minutes for debate, Sid, your minute begins now.” He checked his watch and pointed to Sid, who stood up and took the soup can, the symbol for having the floor.

“Okay, so, my kid, Hunter, he’s real smart with computers. Anyway, he signed up on this thing and got Steem for free. So, I’m wondering, how valuable can it be, if they’ll give it to a kid? That’s all, I guess.”

Wendel looked at Billy. “Yes, anyone willing to share some basic information can get a free account. They’re giving a small amount of crypto to each new user to help get the ball rolling and make it accessible to more people. The more people who use it, the more stable it becomes, the more valuable our investment gets.”
“Y’all are suckers!” This came from Yolanda at the back of the room.

“Yolanda, the chair didn’t recognize you, and as far as I recall, you dropped out of Bullshit Investors after last time,” Wendel said, as patiently as he could.
“That’s fine, you guys don’t want to hear the truth about where Billy’s putting your money, that’s fine by me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Billy spoke up, “So, what exactly is your concern, Yolanda? Maybe I can answer it.”

“I signed up on there too, and I blogged about y’all. In fact, I got enough votes to get $20, but, when I went to take it out, it wasn’t but $7.50 and I can’t even spend it nowhere, unless I want to spend more money to change it into actual money I can spend. Steemit is a ripoff. Took me three hours to write that post, that ain’t even a dollar an hour, and I bet Billy gets the rest of that money, don’t you Billy?”

Charlotte snorted, “You’re just jealous cause he broke up with you to go out with me!”

“Uh, you’re jealous cause he broke up with you to go out with his hand, so…” Yolanda tilted her head to one side and threw up her shoulders in the universal sign for “bring it on”.

Before anyone could move, Charlotte was marching down the middle of the table top, her boot heels clicking a staccato beat that reverberated around the silent breakroom. No one breathed.

Charlotte walked straight to Yolanda and without pausing reached down, grabbed the top of the woman’s hair, and with a mighty yank, pulled it straight up. The massive bevy of blonde curls that Yolanda had been known for, for years, boiled upward. There was a horrible ripping sound, almost drowned out by Yolanda’s ragged screams. The weave, which it clearly had been, came neatly away, revealing a patchy, reddish blonde crew cut.

Shirley, the resident mother, snorted coffee out her nose, “I knew that was a weave!” she choked.

Charlotte dropped the weave onto the table, then cat walked back along the table top and stepped down into her chair. “How do you like me now, you cheap, knockoff, Dolly Parton look-alike reject?”

Yolanda was pale with rage. Her white trash breeding was about to burst through her Lee press on nails veneer. Her eyes bulged out, hands jammed straight down at her sides, balled into fists so tight, the skin became translucent. Then just as it seemed she would launch herself the full length of the table in retaliation, she picked up her weave, shoved it onto her head and stomped out of the room.

“Um, hmmm, white girls shouldn’t wear weaves anyhow,” came a voice from the back.

Billy choked, and Wendel slapped him on the back. After a coughing fit, he recovered, mostly. “Well, as Yolanda pointed out, payouts on Steemit are a bit complex. If you want to put up a profile, I can explain it in further detail. I would point out that it took me almost a month to build up to what we earned this week with our investment.”

The room was silent, attention split between the door where Yolanda could still be heard stomping to the ladies locker room, and Billy.

Billy looked around, “Does anyone have any questions?” he asked.

Sid snickered, “I do! Which hand?”

Alex tried to hold it in. The joke was borderline sexual harassment, and he should have been reprimanding Sid, but he didn't care. He snorted so hard coffee came out his nose and sprayed two innocent bystanders. He choked, then caught his breath and laughed harder than he could remember in a long time. It was contagious, everyone in the room, except for Billy, burst into tear jerking laughter.

Alex knew he was going to hear about this from management, but he didn’t care. It felt good to release that much tension. Besides, things were moving in the right direction. A few more good weeks on this Steem thing and his financials worries would be a thing of the past.

Wendel snatched the soup can from Sid and pounded the table, tears streaming down his face, “Okay, okay, order, order, oh, who am I kidding? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

When the laughter subsided, the vote was unanimous, minus Yolanda, who had yet to return from “the powder room” as she always referred to it. The Bullshit Investors Club would indeed double down. Wendel pulled out his notebook and set his hat on the table.

One by one, the members passed by and dropped their investment contributions into the hat, as Wendel, dutifully marked them on the few remaining lines in the notebook. Billy kept count.

Alex was last in line. “Same as last week? I’ll paypal you the money, good?”

Billy nodded. Wendel raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. As long as things were going his way, whatever the boss and boy wonder were cooking up was none of his business. He happily totaled up the contributions, humming the theme song of The Love Boat, and dreaming of the cruise he planned to take his beloved bride on, once this experiment was over and they could cash out their earnings.