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Paradise Lost Chapter III

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It was typical day in early February, I had to shower in rain while walking to the train station. That day, I was also feeling heavier than ever. I cried the night before and my eyes were puffy. I also felt a little woozy and just wanted to put my head down.The only good thing was,my train would be leaving in the next thirty minutes.

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As I reached the train station, I sat on the bench, waiting for the train. I looked at various tracks that would lead to different destinations. Life was a little different, you could pick a track but you could never know where it would lead you. Sometimes you even had to switch just because you didn't feel like to continue.

Finally, the train arrived. People were pushing each other as if they were afraid to be left alone.I waited until the chaos stopped. I stepped inside the train and were looking for my seat with my eyes down. I looked like a mess. I should not even be here.

I went back to visit my adoptive parents. They were living only five hours from me. It was almost half a day trip.Sometimes, it could feel as if it were eternity to just sit with three other random strangers inside the train.

I disconnected myself from the situation. I put on my headset and a loud depressing songs in my playlist. Hell yeah, this should pass.

Halfway through the journey, I felt my stomach was grumbling. " feed me, feed me" they said. I could careless but it was too painful. So I got up from my seat and went to the restaurant. Instead picking an overpriced and microwaved meal, I had a coffee. It had been my diet and I wouldn't eat anything else. I also made sure to get dozens of caffeine running inside my blood daily.

I was not bringing anything with me either. It was a surprise visit. I packed the only baby I had, my laptop. I called it my baby. I made sure it never fell anymore after one time, I was in rage and just threw it from my table to the ground. I broke its screen and could not even repaired it had not my step brother helped me.Since then, it was the only thing that I made sure safe and alive. Even more than myself.

I went back to my seat. Those depressing songs were painful. Shouldn't I be listening to more cheerful song?maybe.

Finally the train arrived at my destination. It was cloudy and about to rain. I rushed myself, thinking how to get home. I did not want to pay an overpriced pedicab just to get there. So I spotted couple of students waiting for the public transportation.

I stood next to them while making sure they would go at least to the same destination as mine. It took about ten minutes standing with them while I asked them questions like a weird stranger.

I was like them once. Always waiting for the mini van to take me home after school. I would commute daily and would never complain. Though since the coming of online transportation, I was out of touch and scared dealing with human being. I wanted quicker and simpler things. No haggling and fixed price.

As we got into the minivan, the rain started. I felt happier somehow. I smiled and couldn't wait to surprise my adoptive mother even though she would still be at work.

I got down from the minivan. I paid what I thought was appropriate. The driver didn't even complain and rushed to his next destination.

I walked through the alley that would lead to my home.But was that home ? What is a home ? I was left with those questions since last year. I could count how many times I crossed this alley. It was only twice even once a year since I was being an independent young woman.

This time I went back for a particular reason. I wanted to forget my problems. Not to mention, I wanted to pay forward for what my family did to me. I wanted them to feel happier. We went through a lot of things for the past couple of years. We went from a very well-off family to bankruptcy. It took a toll on each of us. It taught us lessons but grew us apart.

My adoptive mom's birthday was near. I would love to take her traveling with me without worrying about anything. She loved to pack things, picking cheapest options and make sure we didn't waste any money. But this time, I would not let her think about any of those. I wanted her to simply enjoy the moment. I would took care of her like she took care of me.

" oh hey, you're home, when did you arrive?" said my grandma from across the hall.

" Just now, I feel like going home" I replied.

" Yeah, your mom's still working. Go change clothes and eat something. Today I surprisingly bought your favorite fried mushroom " She added while walking slowly to her room.

My grandma and the rest of this family were pretty. They had features that I wish I would have. They were tall, slender, south asian like with deep brown eyed. Their hair was perfect black and wavy. I knew I was different. Especially during the family gathering where everyone looked like a mixture of south asian and chinese tribe.

I went to slide my bedroom door. I started sneezing just right after I stepped in. I glanced through wallpaper I made, cyrilic I wrote and bunch of flags of countries I wanted to visit. It felt rather strange and foreign. Was I that person? Did I ever learn russian? did I ever made all those junks displayed in my study table? maybe I did.

I closed the door and went upstairs to my mom's bedroom. I placed my bag and began to sleep. And maybe that was home.

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Footnote :

• This story is part of memoir called paradise lost . It is recollection stories and journey of the author's life during the turmoil days.Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

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