The TSA Agent Dream Fund

There's so little left we can take from you

In a searing article sure to galvanize the public, the Washington Post has reported that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is preparing to confiscate all passenger snacks at U.S. airports.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/trafficandcommuting/traveling-via-air-expect-to-remove-your-snacks-and-place-them-in-a-bin/2018/06/29/ea0bede2-796c-11e8-aeee-4d04c8ac6158_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.ac7a0fdfad7c&wpisrc=nl_most&wpmm=1

Post reporter Martine Powers writes:

They came for your laptops. And for your liquids, and your shoes. Now, the Transportation Security Administration is coming for your snacks.

This article is just the latest in a series of criticisms leveled at the TSA by libertarian-minded people. Glenn Greenwald, the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist who broke the Edward Snowden story, had taken aim at the TSA in 2010 for their use of airport body-scanners.

What caused this outburst of civil libertarianism was the implementation at airports by the Transportation Security Administration of new, invasive body-scanning machines that generated quasi-nude images or, if one refused that, physical pat-downs that included the groin area. [1]

Comedian George Carlin, in a prophetic 7-minute tirade during his You Are All Diseased HBO comedy special (1999), said:

There's too much security at the airport. I'm tired of some guy with a double-digit I.Q. and a triple-digit income rooting around inside of my bag for no reason and never finding anything.

It would appear that TSA agents are the boogie men we feared as children, men and women who wield their power to make our airport experiences uncomfortable and demeaning. That's how it would appear on the surface. If you look just a little deeper, you'll see the truth lying inches below it. Our research has enabled us to paint the true picture of the TSA Agent, not as a monster, but as an unwitting victim of the very system they enforce.

Think about what the TSA agents take from you.

• shoes
• bottled water
• other beverages
• shampoo
• nail clippers
• combs and brushes
• snacks and other food

Isn't it obvious when you see it in a list? TSA agents are not menacing executors of a Survalence State agenda. They're HOMELESS.

To avoid the trappings of armchair journalism, we interviewed some TSA Agents to uncover the truth.

Barney R.

Here we see Barney performing some of his best work. We asked him some questions and he spoke under promises of anonymity.

Q: Why do you take people's shoes at the airport?
A: I need them. When I joined the TSA I was wearing shoeboxes on my feet. Now I have Air Jordan's, Ugg suede slippers, and a pair of Jimmy Choo's, which are a little uncomfortable, but delightful to sniff.

Q: Do you feel bad about taking people's shoes?
A: They're free shoes.
Q: And?
A: And nothing. They're free shoes.

Q: What about the snacks? The Washington Post reports that you will soon be confiscating people's snacks.
A: Really? Oh, thank God. I'm starving!

Could this be true? Could the government really be exploiting the homeless to serve as TSA agents? To figure out the economics of it, we interviewed an agent named Ronnie J. Although he had just been fired for possession of child pornography [2], we found his answers to our questions very helpful.

Ronnie J.

Q: How much do you make per year as a TSA agent?
A: -$36,000.
Q: Did you say negative $36,000?
A: That's right. It depends on what you do for the agency. If you work the x-ray scanner, you get paid in shampoo and nail clippers. Sometimes you'll be lucky enough to get someone's laptop which we then sell.
Q: You sell laptops?
A: No, we sell the data on the laptops, but sadly those days are few and far between. That's how I started getting into kiddie porn. It was on one of those laptops. I think it belonged to a Congressman or something.
Q: Let's get back to your salary.
A: Right. So if you run the Awesome Machine--
Q: Awesome machine? Do you mean the body scanner?
A: Yeah. Well, everyone wants to run that and also pat down passengers, especially the hotties. So, we have to pay for that.
Q: But -$36,000 per year...that's...$3,000 per month. Why would you pay that kind of money?
A: It's cheaper than going to a strip club and paying a girl to grind your junk. A lot of these passengers are way hotter than the strippers...at least, in the strip clubs I can afford.

There you have it. Human beings just like you and me having to steal shoes, shampoo, and cheap feels to survive. If you are as appalled by these revelations as we are, then please give to the TSA Agent Dream Fund, and let's make those dreams come true. You can donate to the fund at this link:

TSA Agent Dream Fund

[1] https://theintercept.com/2018/02/05/the-nunes-memo-and-katie-roiphe-article-show-how-concerns-for-due-process-and-civil-liberties-are-highly-selective-and-self-centered/

[2] https://www.infowars.com/tsa-agent-arrested-on-child-porn-charges/

I nominate @harpooninvestor and @tenhanger.