The Hitch Hikers (micro-fiction): Who wore it better?
I had so much fun asking my fellow writers on Steem "who wore it better" last week that I decided to do it again. I've got two versions of the same 50-word story below. I was just about to publish the first one as a standalone and then I thought it might work better if the dialog is flipped.
You decide. Which version is better?
Image source: Pixabay
The Hitch Hikers (version 1)
Jenny shuffled along the highway, tired already. “Who started that expression?”
Declan looked up from the dust and stones. “What?”
“A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.”
“Lao Tzu.”
“Gesundheit.”
Declan laughed. “Only 900 to go.”
Disheartened, Jenny watched their lift disappear down a side road.
The Hitch Hikers (version 2)
Jenny shuffled along the highway, tired already.
Declan kicked up dust and stones. “Who started that expression?”
“What expression?”
“A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.”
“Lao Tzu.”
Declan laughed. “Gesundheit.”
Disheartened, Jenny watched their lift disappear down a side road. “Only 900 to go, then.”
Thanks so much for reading! I love micro-fiction, and the challenge to write succinctly. This story is not exactly "high drama," and not a lot happens. I wanted to capture that moment when a shift occurs. The hitch hikers have been dropped off, as the driver of the car they were riding in must head in a different direction. One of the hitch hikers feels up to the challenge of continuing on the journey, and the other does not. The conflict between the two points of view is resolved when Jenny attempts to make light of the fact that their long, hard journey has only just begun.
I wrote this story for the "journey" prompt of this week's 50-word short story contest. I run the contest, so I am participating just for fun. I do love this challenge!
Posted from my blog with SteemPress : https://jaynalocke.com/2019/01/05/the-hitch-hikers-micro-fiction-who-wore-it-better/
For me, the first has both clarity and surprise that the second does not. I knew enough about how Jenny felt to clearly imagine her saying the first line of the joke, although I didn't know it was a joke until Declan laughed. Maybe it's because I read the upper one first, but the joke was funnier the first time around. And the joke teller remains despondent, which is both surprising and says a a lot. Plus, it's one more thing we know about Jenny. Last, I like the shape of it on the page better - the poet in me. I love that story!
Glad you like it! Thanks so much for your comment. Shoot, the second version works so much better for me. Who knows, maybe sometimes it’s best to leave well enough alone! 😁
Posted using Partiko iOS
I'm a big believer in "if it's good, it's done." It really may be that I read the upper one first.
@jayna I would have to say the second, because ending with Jenny's comment just gives it more of a punch. ((:
Thanks for reading and commenting, @joeylim! I am having fun with this “who wore it better” gig. 😊
Yes, the second version seems to have more punch to me as well.
Hmmm. Tough call. I like the second one best, but they're both good, so I can't really say the first one is "bad." Just less my favorite! Hahaha
At the end of the day it all comes down to favorites! Ha ha. Thanks @tanglebranch.
Posted using Partiko iOS
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!