Please Pray For My Pain To Go Completely Away

My hand is not getting any better, my left hand in particular as it is getting painful. I just wanted to die if I would lose the function of it and the pain is like what happened to my feet which are now a useless part of my body because I could not walk with them.

It is just sad that it came already into this but I am not surprised because my parathyroid is still hyperactive plus I could not tolerate taking it everyday and if I do I would not be able to eat because of its nauseating side-effect that renders me of enjoying food or being able to eat for that matter.

At least if I would take a pain medicine it would work for a while and then it will lose its efficacy making me have to take it again. But of course it has a bad side-effect like gut lesions and the destruction of red blood cells which is not god for me.

So my plan if I would like to use the toilet so I can move around at least is to take it prior because it is awfully hard to move when you are in pain and you could not breathe that easy.

I think that my longing to die is valid because of these mal-morphological changes in my bod. All I needed is just a relief but it seems that it is not coming and the opposite is coming to me instead.

This is a kind of metamorphosis where the end result is not changing into a beautiful butterfly but a miseried ugly grub with pain issues. I am so crazy just wanting to live like this but I am afraid of dying a lingering death which is why I always chose to go for my unending dialysis treatments just to save myself from drowning in my own body fluids. I just needed more prayers, I needed miracles.