It Feels Like My Heart Is Weaker Now But I Am Accepting Any Unexpected Eventualities In My Life
I was having this discomfort now everytime I am having my dialysis and it pertains to the pain in my neck which happens when my blood pressure is low and I was not experiencing it unlike before where my vision just slowly dims leading to blackout. But now there is a pain factor there and I am afraid and worried that I might not make it soon.
But it is just while hooked up at dialysis and about a few moments while my blood is being returned the pain and discomfort feeling ceases especially while not getting treated at all I am not having any heartbeat issues, arrhythmia or whatever in my heart that I can perceive except just being aware of my heartbeat because of my hypertension.
I will not not be so surprised that maybe one day I will just fall off and learn that I am having a heart attack which I hope that will be fast and swift to take my life like that in my Uncle's case. What I do not like is to suffer from a stroke and lead me in a vegetative state.
But actually I wanted to die already because of the multitude of health issues that I am dealing with which is also expensive to maintain. I just wanted not to see other family members die before me because that will put me in a more precarious and much more difficult situation than I am dealing now and I do not like that to happen.
It is just I do not want to die not being treated for dialysis because I am really afraid of a lingering death type of passing-away. That is why with all what I could do I am trying my very best to take my head up from the water but if I would be passing -way soon like tomorrow then I would sweetly accept it after all not all things are possible and in my control but God.
Hey, death is not as bad as it seems, I have died 3 times. Once was suicide attempt, the others were doctor induced from improper treatment. I'm not saying this to make you want it more, but once you do reach the port of death, there is nothing but love. Have you tried eating a vegan diet to try aiding the healing process? Or going to a spiritual healer to help speed your process of healing? Both are extremely beneficial while also doing your regular treatments, it is good for the mind. Once your mind sees all that you do to help benefit it, you are likely to start healing faster. I don't know about all that you go through, but if you need to talk ever, find me.
I also nearly died about 15 years ago by accidental Phenobarbital overdose in my attempt to get a solution to my insomnia @ladyreijya. I managed to get myself some and I went into coma but the fortunate/unfortunate thing was Barbiturates are dialyzable and I was back in my senses after two dialysis sessions.
There is no cure for my condition except if I would get my needed surgeries which are my goals that is why I am religiously blogging in here trying to save some funds for those goals of mine. Thank you and take care.
Take care and keep it up. You are a true warrior.
Its crazy to think life begins, but also ends. Stay atrong my friend.
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