Contacted by a Former Bully

"You look like a zombie and you'll be alone forever."

I was fifteen years old and minding my own business in English class when Amy decided to turn around and share these words with me, as if they were some form of wisdom. I didn't say anything, but I remember my face turning red and looking away from embarrassment. I silently waited until the teacher arrived and began the lesson. What could I have said to someone who was so sure of me never finding love much less friendship (although I had friends back then, she dismissed them as being losers like me)? There was nothing to say. I wasn't the most witty of children and as a result lacked the ability to make a snide, satisfying remark to defend myself.

Either way, I moved from that school and graduated across the country from Amy. I never became her friend and prior to moving only worked with her on school projects if we were assigned to during group work, saying only what was absolutely necessary to get the project done. Upon becoming an adult, I dismissed it all as childish behavior and thought that perhaps Amy had self-esteem issues, so in order to make herself feel better, she'd target the poor souls around her.

Even so, with the closure I gave myself via providing an internal explanation for her behavior which was never confirmed by her, I was still a little thrown off when she sent me a Facebook friend request last week.

Good 'ole social media, amirite? Connecting bullies with their past victims, complete strangers with other strangers, and in the optimistic case friends to friends.

I guess she was just curious.

So, did I do the mature thing and accept the friend request, message her to catch up, and then maybe slowly bring the issue to the topic of how we were not exactly on the best of terms growing up & that it's great that's all behind us now? You know, confront her in a polite way?

Absolutely not, I rejected the friend request.

So why did I do that? Was I not curious? Admittedly a tad. I mean, I did click on her profile and I did find out she works selling cigars now. But, I wasn't curious enough to accept the request. I didn't need to read her posts nor want to keep up with her life. The memories that simple request brought back made me appreciate the Ignore button all the more. Those memories extended far past Amy. She was not the only bully I had run into (though, she is the only one I'll be discussing for the sake of this post).

When I was a kid, I wasn't reserved like I am now. I was introverted and had a high level of social anxiety. I could barely speak in front of the class for presentations. I'd receive a top score regardless for content, but it was still annoying to not be able to talk without stuttering or feeling like I wanted to faint.

In contrast, Amy looked confident on the outside. I emphasize the words "looked" and "outside". She was considered very pretty, always being asked out often by the opposite sex and members of the same sex wanted to be her best friend. She was even a teen model. She was athletic (did track, basketball, volleyball, soccer, etc.) and the second best volleyball player, something she greatly lamented and would vent about in the spiteful comments she made behind the best female player's back... later smiling and even hanging out with her, acting as if the jealous part of her did not exist. She also commonly would insult many other students when they weren't around, especially when conversations with her own friend group were slow. And they often were.

With all this being said, when we're young, sadly outside perceptions tend to dominate our thinking. I had serious self-esteem issues and that made me exceedingly self-deprecating. I questioned everything from my looks, to my behavior, to even my academics ... when I had top marks.

At lunch, Amy and I had one mutual friend. I wanted to sit with that mutual friend at lunch. Did I? No, because if I did, then Amy would either suggest to our mutual friend that they move to another table as I'd be walking up to them. The mutual friend didn't listen, but it was still a terribly awkward situation. Especially when I'd eat lunch with them, be having a great discussion with said mutual friend, and Amy would be sending me bad vibes across the table complete with an intense model glare.

At some point, I opted to eat lunch alone in the library. Or, just read a book and forgo the actual eating part altogether. And, I don't totally regret it, because I did read some pretty great series. But, I shouldn't have been there because of Amy in the first place. My social life shouldn't have been suffering and I shouldn't have let Amy's actions influence my own.

I shouldn't have felt nervous around her. I should have carried on as usual and felt at peace with myself.

I shouldn't have questioned my worth as a human being or my appearance or if being smart was enough (please, anyone reading this, you are all intelligent and intellect can only be a plus). There were times I'd come home, stare at the mirror for a good thirty minutes until my mother would interrupt by asking "What are you doing?", and I'd reply with "How does a girl look pretty? What does it take to look pretty?"

Please do not loathe yourself. Do not do that to yourself. And if you're wondering if you're ugly, you're not. Don't believe you look like a zombie like I once did. No one does.

Though, in retrospect maybe that would be cool. I mean, you'd never have to face another long line in your life and you'd be first for everything. To the movies, release of a game, to the food cart or restaurant, literally everything. People would be running the other way thinking you want to eat their brains out. Yum, brains. Oh, and you'd be unkillable. But, back to the main point.

I don't have any ill will towards Amy. If she's reading this (aw, who am I kiddin', she's not reading this), I hope she'd doing okay. I know I'm doing great. And if you had a previous bullying experience, feel free to let it out. It's not good to let these things bottle up inside since you are all too good for that.

Take care, everyone.

-Chie