How to Love Your Haters

When people bully others they are simply putting their own pain on public display.

As activists, John and I have received our fair share of "haters" or "trolls" over the past decade. That time I tweeted out "Ron Paul is a traitor" because he endorsed Lamar Smith (war mongerer), or that time I stood up to Alex Jones when he bullied local Austin Activsts (he has since given a grand gesture of apology by speaking at our bookstore), or recently when we were booted from the Las Vegas Bitcoin Meetup for our support of DASH. Haters are something we definitely have experience with.

At first they used to really hurt my feelings. I would feel a pit in my stomach, tightness in my chest, and sometimes I would cry. I would feel the urge to defend myself, to tell them how wrong they were. But over the years I began to do deep inner work and at this point in my life I am able to SEE our haters as hurt people who are acting out a cycle of violence they experienced in their lives (often in childhood).

When you love yourself enough to hear criticism with open ears, reflect on it, retain the useful/relevant nuggets, then make much needed changes in your life, haters become a blessing. When someone tries to bully John and I (like they did today in the comments section on bitcoin.com) - we are now able to see their pain without making it our own. We are able to love them through it, which gives us a chance to really step up and serve our community as Activists in a profound way.

This did not come easy - and honestly sometimes I still get that pit in my stomach until I remind myself that this person is hurting. We do not lash out on others when we are in a healthy and stable emotional place. This person is acting out because of a trauma they have not resolved in their own life. Should I respond from a triggered place of trauma in my my life, I only perpetuate the cycle more deeply.

So instead, when I feel that pit in my stomach I ask myself what I can learn about ME in that moment. Is there truth in their words, despite their harsh communication style? Did I fail to communicate my truth to them in some way? How can I step into my own power, my own truth, in light of what they are bringing to the table? How can I grow from this?

When we feel triggered its because we DO need to grow in some way. We have an unresolved trauma, or a lack of understanding, there is something that needs to be addressed. That pit in my stomach is an indication that I have some work to do on my Self. What a blessed opportunity to become a better person, to become a more loving person, to become a more empathetic and empowered person. That pit in my stomach is a HUGE blessing if I pay attention to what my intuition is trying to communicate to my logical and emotional Self.

No only do haters give us the chance to self reflect and grow, but haters give us the chance to set new boundaries. When we give mean people repeated access to our lives, we simply make our lives more difficult. When we take note of toxic behavior and create a safe distance from these people, our lives automatically become less stressful. When people repeatedly hurt us we can see that their unresolved traumas are not being addressed and we can choose to love them from afar.

John and I used to try and change other people. If they were mean, or negative, or nasty, or a bully - we would try to work with them more, help them see things our way, bring them more intimately into our lives. It was a very unhealthy way to relate to others, and probably a reflection of some type of unhealthy childhood relationships we experienced. This always backfired. ALWAYS. These mean people would eventually betray us and we would be left confused and shocked by the ramifications we experienced in their wake.

So, how do you love your haters? You imagine their inner child being treated the exact way they are treating you. A teacher, a sibling, a pastor, a parent - visualize their caregiver perpetrating the same hate to them while they were young and suddenly you will find yourself flooded with compassion. No WONDER they act this way, this is learned behavior, and we can love them through it.

This is what we do as peaceful parents, we hold the space for our children and we love them through their pain. When we act out in anger when our child throws a fit we are enacting a cycle of violence - we are the ones being a bully, and our actions speak for themselves. Give them the space, see them as a hurt person, and know it is not personal. The ONLY statement that can truthfully be made about you, is one made through your own actions. The words of others do NOT represent you. Remember that. And love yourself no matter what others are doing or saying to you, because their action are a reflection of THEM, not you.

<3