Letter to Myself
I've lived much of my life viewing it as a curse, as something to escape from. It didn't dawn on me until recently that it was my own idealogies that I needed to escape from, that I've been holding myself back with my chronic tunnel vision, tendency to overthink and overanalyze, and a persistent need to control the outcome of everything.
Despite the fact that in my mind I've justified blaming other people for my misfortunes, the truth is that I've been my own worst enemy all along. Somehow (subconsciously or maybe superconsciously) I think I knew that I was the enemy because while criticizing others, I've also relentlessly criticized myself...for years on end.
What were the missing links preventing me from living a life I don't need to escape from?
In order to lead a life worth living, I have to be ready and willing to give it all up and realize that not everything is within my control. It's because of grace that I was given this day to live -- not because it's owed to me.
Up to this point, I'd always been holding on so tightly rather than enjoying and cherishing the moments I'm given. With my new perspective, if I were to leave this world today, I would leave it knowing that I love the people in my life and that they know I love them, too. Knowing this is all I need in order to feel a sense of purpose and happiness; everything else is merely extra.
To me, life is more about loved ones and time well spent -- and less about status, power, money, and careers.
What else has been standing in my way?
Anyone who knows me offline knows I have been unwilling to share my thoughts, aspirations, expectations, and passions with pretty much everyone. How can I expect those I love to connect with me if I shut the door of communication in their faces every day? I've preferred silence my entire life, and silence is strategic at times, but not when it prevents me from making human connections. I have been forever shrouded in mystery and that might be cute in certain circumstances, but it gets old fast.
To put it simply, I've been ignorantly sabotaging myself and casting self-inflicted misery upon my daily life. I've done it so often and for so long that I didn't recognize it for what it was. I became institutionalized to my own abuse.
It took me so long to realize the errors of my ways, but I'm on board now. I finally feel free from the lifelong restraints I've placed on myself.
Life is an adventure and I will no longer sabotage that adventure with self-imposed nonsense.
Life's definitely meant to be lived with happiness, right?
Everyone deserves happiness if he or she dares to take it. It's for free and for everyone, but everything around us always tell us that "it's not that easy" and you need "to work hard for that" but the truth is, it's here, easy to get and for free. Once you stop believing "the surrounding" you get it easy.
Why everyone tells us that happiness is hard to obtain?
Because it's easier to rule the people that don't believe in themselves, it's easier to reach "unreachable" when everyone thinks that it's impossible.
Sometimes I see it like squirrels running in the wheel vs free squirrel: the one in the wheel really believe that it has to run for 2-3 hours non-stop to get the nut. But the nut is for free, there, outside of the wheel ;)
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How are you @cali-girl? I'm here if you need to talk.
I'm doing well despite how the post sounds. Thanks for checking in. :)
Sometimes you come to that point in life where you risk it all for everything or regret for the rest of your life not knowing what could have been.
You seem like such a kind soul I hope you find in life what you’re looking for that enables you to live life.
I gave up caring about money long ago. People tried to use it to control me and I would always laugh at them because it really was not much. It does not take a lot to live life.
I’ve seen people make more than I ever will be poorer with that money then I am because they lived beyond their means to such point it was all a lie. They were forced to face it when the credit cards and bank loans maxed out. With daily harassing calls demanding money that will take them decade to pay off if they ever could.
:) Awesome, awesome, and more awesome.
100% upvote on this one cali-girl. I enjoy your writing as for me it's a glimpse into my own psyche. I think the desire to manage the outcome of everything is something that holds me back too. I tend to delay gratification too much and miss the moment in doing so too. I'm the type to keep the car in the garage to keep the mileage down for future retention of value and don't enjoy the use of it in the present.
As you say, being able to "give it all up" and just relax with the gift of the present allows life to be lived more naturally but boy, that's a hard earned piece of knowledge right there!
So well said @cali-girl. No one ever talks about self-abuse, but everyone engages in it at some point. It is by far the worst abuse there is.
Its not uncommon for us all to be each others own worst enemy!
I also struggle with letting people inside... I'm terribly shy. But I am inspired by your post here. Hope better days are to come!
This is "good" news. A new dawn in your life. Life is short savor whats given us.
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