Spooky Fast Food Wars

When I first moved to my town of Bayville, New Jersey back in 2005, there were a plethora of shitty fast food joints Where one could drown their sorrows. Where the Bubakoos Buritos currently is, stood a horrendous Burger King. Where the Wells Fargo bank sits today was a disappointing Wendy’s. Yeah, over the years those have both been eliminated and all that stands now is the world’s shittiest McDonald’s and riiiiiight on the outskirts of town bordering Pine Beach and Bayville is Roy’s.

Good ol’ trusty Roy Rogers. Not only does Roy’s rarely fuck up an order...and I mean rarely...but they are actually really good!!! Their roast beef sammich meal with mashed taters was one of the main lunches I could have at a fast food joint and still lose weight with results. With the Weight Watchers points...the entire meal was like 11 points where as any other meal from any other place was 3-4 times that. So it’s no wonder that my fast food joint of choice 9 times out of 10 locally results in me heading to Roy’s. Also, it’s like a 30 second drive from me soooo...

As I was being a sloppy piece of shit the other day, I found myself in the Roy’s drive thru. I noticed the did a little bit of Halloween decorating which led to the roast beef king and film icon to talk a little shit towards its fallen foes. I absolutely love shit talking. Not being an asshole as there is a clear difference...but some friendly jabs. When I’m playing a game...any game...even if I am getting my ass handed to me...I love talking shit. It just makes it more fun and I love the dumb laughter it can bring. Anyway, here is Roy’s Halloween decor that I saw that night.

I loved it and it made me garner even more respect and admiration for good ol’ Roy’s. Someone made those fucking things. Those tombstones are carved. This isn’t cardboard and marker...someone went through some trouble to create these strictly to talk shit about its vanquished foes to the hundreds of folks that will use the drive thru daily this Halloween season. That deserves some respect I feel...great...now I want roast beef.

It’s not like the dead Wendy’s and Burger King of Bayville doesn’t deserve it!!! They were horrendous. The BK was by far the worst but I’ll share a personal Wendy’s tidbit with ya. I had ordered a pulled pork sammich there. When I got back to the shop and took it out of the bag, I instantly knew I was in for a treat. It was like a rock. That’s because the bun was literally burnt to a crisp. It was like it was left in the toaster for 12 bakes and they said “eh...looks good” anyway and used it. I can’t fathom how anyone on the planet would think that this rock sammich was ok to serve up.

Before I venture onto the Bayville BK stories...and there are several, I’ll preface this by saying that my business partner loves when my food comes jacked. He literally laughs hysterically and can’t get enough of it. He swears that my picture is up in the back at every fast food joint in the nation so they know to fuck my shit up. It happens an uncanny amount of times...I’m actually starting to believe him.

Anyway...Bayville Burger King. Boy do I miss that joint. It was the place of legend locally and in my shop, customers would swap stories with us if something funny happened. Like when Power Plant Larry swears that when he got to the window to pay and pick up his grub, the guy was wearing no shirt. You might not believe Larry at first because it’s hard to picture this...unless you’ve been to this failed experiment of an eatery. Larry said the dude told him the total...took his money and gave change...then handed him his food. All while never acknowledging the fact that he was bare chested. All hairy chested with nips just hanging and catching the breeze. He swears on this story and I 100% believe him.

My drive thru story is fun but not as insane. One day as I got up to the window, the guy asked me “what kind of soda did you get again?” To which I replied “coke please”. That’s when he proceeded to open a 2 Liter bottle of cola...not Coke mind you but bottom of the barrel dollar store brand cola...and fill my cup. He just turned to me and said “soda’s down” while nodding to me. I was trying to hold in laughter at how ghetto it all looked and appeared.

But it didn’t surprise me that the “soda was down” as those fucking machines were made by the devil himself. Another time my partner Pete, a friend Tim, and myself went there to eat because we are stupid and wanted to laugh. Well that day had some chuckles in store. We got our sodas and sat down. As we took sips we noticed it was really warm. Like mega ultra warm...which was odd as we filled the cups with ice. Well the ice was gone like we never filled it. As we went to the machines to dump and refill...we noticed that the sodas were coming out...boiling lava hot. Yes...hot cola was jizzing out of those wretched machines. I had never seen that before and can say that hold true to this date. Outside of the Bayville Burger King. The employees just lazily chalked it up to “soda’s down” of course.

Or the time I was eating inside and went to the ice machine to ya know...fill my cup with ice. I hear it cranking but nothing is coming out. Try again with same result. Ok...happens. I’ll go to the next machine as there were 2 places right next to each other. Same sad story. No ice. As I turn toward the counter, I see the Teenage disaster staring at me and still not saying a word. I uttered “uh...I think these are out of ice” to which I got the profound response of “yeah they’re broke”. Then there was about 5-10 seconds of us just staring at each other. Me wishing this person who watched me go to 2 different ice machines knowing they were broken but not uttering a word...dead. After these long awkward seconds passed, I said “do you have any ice back there?” and she walked away without saying anything and produced a bag of ice. Yup.

Or the time I ordered the 9 piece chicken fries meal. I want to point out quickly...it wasn’t a small/medium/large order of chicken fries...but a specific number. I believe the options were 5 and 9 pieces. Naturally upon getting to the shop and taking the food out, I notice I have 7 and a nub. Fuuuuuck I was so irritated. Probably because my partner is pointing and laughing hysterically at me as he’s eating his unfucked meal which in all honesty was probably equally as disappointing...fucked up or not.

All the person had to do was count to 9. That’s it. Most of us have 10 fingers...right?!? Safe to assume?!? Therefore I personally believe that any person at a working age should be able to count their own fingers. I don’t feel that it’s too much to ask. I once again imagine sone cuck counting my maybe chicken and losing count at 8. Oh so close. But before wrapping it up, decides to take a bite off the 8th and put the remaining nub that he held between his most certainly unwashed thumb and pointer finger into my sack. I seriously hope that person gets AIDS one day. I did call up that day as I was so pissed off and they put me in the books for a meal credit. Funny thing is I never used it as they closed not long after that. Fuckers...

That BK might be done but I’m not yet...

I also enjoyed the time when I ordered I believe was 2 cheeseburgers and they served the normal maybe meat patties on the gigantic Whopper buns. This...just looked utterly ridiculous as there was no lie, and inch and a half circling the patty that was nothing but bun. Their reason was “we are outta normal buns”. I took a photo at the time as it just looked so ridiculously magnificent but I can’t seem to locate it at the moment. Sorry. 😞

I don’t know which BK story is my favorite though. Those above or when I got my maybe bacon cheeseburger that day. I’m just going to show this. I’m not even going to explain any further. I unwrapped...and this was what lies inside. Keep in mind...I ordered a bacon cheeseburger...

Fuck! I can’t not comment just a smidge. Look closely. First off, you may notice it’s a half of a bun. You would be correct in your thinking. Second...where the fuck is the patty?!? Good question you sleuth. Third...that’s all the bacon on your bacon noncheeseburger?!? That’s all I was given. But my favorite part isn’t my any of the above or even that they topped it with ketchup and a delicious pickle. Instead, it’s that I see the gross pieces of meat fat on it. This leads me to believe that it started out as a proper sammich at some point and somewhere along the way...just lost its way. Unless there is meat fat chunks in the ketchup or attached to the super generous amounts of bacon crumbs that they placed so delicately on my ketchup & pickle sammich.

What’s crazy is that the McDonalds in town is not much better but they somehow survived despite serving up classics such as these...

What you are looking at about is a large order of fries. Nope...I did not eat a bunch. In fact I ate a total of 0 of these as not only were they cold like my ex wife’s dead heart...but the fucking thing was literally half filled. What piece of shit employee would think that it’s ok to not fill up the damn fry holster!?!? Holy fucking shit!!!! Also, I’m guessing my maybe cheeseburger was created by a robot who worked at an ice cream parlor prior and was never reprogrammed properly. See how they not only sprinkled the onions on top of the bun like you would sprinkles on a sundae, but topped it off with a pickle as you would a cherry! That...is the ONLY explanation. Nothing else could even possibly make sense. Oh...it’s also sloppily smeared to the side for...well...just for the fuck it I think.

What this all means is...good for Roy’s for shitting on that disgraced failed eateries. I will continue to frequent Roy’s for as long as they keep serving up delicious roast beef with a side of shit talking.

A very hungry Blewitt

Happy Halloween!!!!