Don't worry, I'm not here to play myself, I came to the Park because I'm supposed to hit the bars.

Is that even a real expression? hit the bars. Hmm, doesn't sound like it. Well, for anyone wondering what I'm talking about, I mean excercising in the tube like thingies that some parks have around Stockholm. We also have them in Mexico and as far a I can tell, these excercising places exist all around the world.

The problem is, I can't excercise. I haven't been able to do it in the past 20 days. I haven't been eating properly also. I'm forgetting about the healthy lifestyle, but not because I don't care about my health or my self-imposed fitness challenge, it has nothing to do with my intention of being a better version of myself.

At first I blaimed it on the constant moving. You see, I took 4 planes in early April in a matter of days to go to Mexico City and then a couple of days later, to go to Stockholm. I was tired, I thought it was get lag, I fooled myself into thinking it was normal.

Then, the cold took the blame, or at least I made him do it. Oh yeah, for me the cold is a he and the warm is a she, just like we have a father destiny and a mother nature. I blamed the swedish cold as the reason for me not excercising outside and I was probably right, but I went running one time and I saw plenty of people, so it wasn't a valid reason.

Now I have no excuse, I'm here at the park, ready to excercise for the first time in weeks and I can't.

As a matter of fact, it's not that I don't to, I'm dying to. I just don't have the energy, I lack the drive, I struggle to find all that battery I used to have these previous months. I could say I don't know the reason but I do, I certainly do and no matter how much I try to deny it or come up with another explanation for this endless tiredness, it's just too obvious to be ignored.

I stopped taking my pills and a few days later, old Eric came back.

For those of you who need context: in January I started to take 5 pills daily to control my cholesterol, sugar, triglycerides, lipids and overall blood levels. The change in my body was terrific. I felt as if I was 17 again - 17 years old was the last time I felt full of Energy, strong and overall, like a bull all the time. After that I started to experience ups and downs that never stopped until January this year, when I started to experience only ups, like a healthy young male - and my life changed radically.

I stopped taking the pills because they are more expensive than a coca cola in the middle of the desert and I can't afford them on this bear market. I need Fiat for this kind of stuff, it doesn't matter how low budget I can live, there's stuff you can't really spare expenses and this is one of them.

I have enough pills for the next 60 days but I don't want to start taking them again because I'm scared as fuck of the next abstinence period once I run out of them. I mean, if they are expensive in Mexico just imagine how expensive they are in Europe.

It scares me to be dependent on these pills because it's not like I'm against modern medicine, but I am against being a dependent person, no matter if it is an alcohol, cigarette dependent, lover dependent etc, it makes me feel powerless and takes away some - if not all - of my self confidence when attempting things that require a strong will and drive.

I don't know what I will do but it's already affecting my life again, I'm not in the mood of doing anything, I take log naps and wake up more tired, I don't feel like going out or even excercise. I made myself go out today and hit the bars because lets face it, if I don't make myself do these things, no one will. I will make myself go excercise for the whole week and see if the rush of endorfins helps me get my life wheel rolling again, hopefully I can avoid going back to the pills again.